Birth Stories

Each of my pregnancies has ended in the type of birth that I’ve seemed to need at that point in my life. They’ve been as different as each child is. I’ve been fortunate to experience four low risk pregnancies and always knew that I wanted to experience home birth. My first three pregnancies were at birth centers and I was attended to by midwives across various states for each one. One eighteen-hour labor, one water birth, and one encaul baby born on the tail end of the Covid lockdowns and each one couldn’t have been more special. Each journey was unique and powerful and each one has helped me grow as a mother and person in so many unexpected ways. This time I knew I was ready for my home birth.

I wanted to birth at home and with a provider that trusted me as much as I trusted them. I was ready to not endure the car ride to the center and then have to resettle into the rhythmic flow of my labor this time around. Fortunately, I came across Kara’s website and added her to my very short list of midwives I would hope to interview for my fourth pregnancy. She wound up being the first and last I would interview. I felt immediately that she was a laid back and calm presence and exactly the sort of energy I was looking for in my birthing space. I enjoyed our prenatal check-ins and appreciated the understanding between us that I was looking for as little intervention as possible.

At about 39 weeks I thought it was time to meet this little person I had been carrying. My nesting urge was extremely strong that day and I was preparing the room where I was planning to give birth. I was moving the bed around, carrying a massive mirror downstairs and all but scrubbing the base boards (had already done it!). I started having regular contractions throughout the day and lost a sizeable portion of my mucous plug. I gave my husband, Blair, a heads up, but didn’t message Kara until before bedtime just in case I would’ve had to wake her up overnight. I made it through that night and the labor signs all fizzled out. No leap year baby for me! I know that due dates are suggestions so I never hold my breath for them but it started to look more likely that I was going to make it or go passed the day.

Ever the punctual baby, this little one began her journey as soon as midnight hit on her due-date. I let the contractions build for about an hour before I let Blair know. I had “Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince” audiobook droning on in the background and the lights dimmed while I alternated between walking around the room and laying on my side. After another hour I let him know it was time he start getting up and finish prepping the downstairs room so I wouldn’t wake our others with any potential noises. Finally, I was settled downstairs and leaning over my birthing ball and rocking my hips. I messaged Kara and let her know that this was definitely it. She asked if she should join us yet and I told her I wasn’t sure and maybe another hour would be alright. I hit send and my water broke! I let her know and she showed up within 20 minutes.

My audiobook was still playing in the back, the lights were low, my partner was in and out of the room because our eldest had woken up, she has a sixth sense. It was so calm and exactly what I needed. I was experiencing my contractions straight across my low back with little relaxation in between and they became more and more intense. I started to become uncomfortable and Kara recommended I try hopping in the shower. I had a warm jet stream of water pointed straight at my back while on all fours and it felt amazing. From where my tub is situated, I can see directly into the kitchen and could see Kara and Sue, her support midwife, enjoying a cup of tea at the kitchen table. It was a significant moment for me and reinforced my calm. I didn’t stay in the shower long and was back in the room on my side on the bed again. I let Kara know that my back was killing me and she massaged it which helped a bit. The game changer for me was the tens unit which provides pulsing waves that vary in strength to the area the pads are attached to. I was able to adjust my position which took stress off of my back and relax again. Kara and I had a conversation and I asked her for the time. She said it was 5am and I said that was great because my others will probably be up after 6am. At this point Blair had rejoined me and I knew the baby was coming. I let them all know and at 6:04am she was with us and breastfeeding like a champ. She transitioned well and our other kids joined us to meet her. The kids also helped Blair and Sue prepare the placenta which was amazing. It was a wonderful birth and I am so happy that I got to be in our home.

Yohanna’s birth story

I woke up one morning a few days after 38 weeks pregnant feeling period-like cramps in my low abdomen and I had the thought “I’m going into labor”. I don’t know how this is possible, but I hadn’t actually put much thought into going into labor. My whole pregnancy was filled with tons of cramping and Braxton Hicks contractions, so there was a part of me that worried about how I would stay pregnant. I’m also a midwife, and every birth I attended during my pregnancy caused me to cramp. But these cramps were different. These ones were spicier, so I was excited, and not at all anxious which was also a surprise!

I cramped all throughout the day, a few an hour. Once the sun went down, they got a bit more regular, maybe one long cramping every 10 minutes. I ate dinner wearing just my underwear and had a glass of wine.

My partner went over to a friend’s house after dinner. As soon as I okayed the hang, I regretted it. I didn’t actually want to be alone. So I crawled into bed, and started listening to home birth stories from the Birth Hour podcast, which had become my nighttime ritual. At this time, I had been attending births for close to a decade, and had attended hundreds, but my nervous system still needed to be fully saturated with stories about birth. Outside of my actual prenatal care, it felt like the best preparation I could do.

My cramps got closer together - about every 5 to 7 minutes, but they remained mild. Each one became a little less possible to ignore. Eventually they took enough of my focus that I couldn’t listen to the voices in the birth stories anymore, so I put on my labor playlist which had all of three songs on it. One of which was 30 minutes of continuous chanted OMs. I’d lay on my side, with the OMs in my ear, and whenever I had a contraction I’d pop up onto all fours and move around and make some mooing noises.

My partner came home around 10 pm and joined me in bed. He stayed up with me while I alternated between “sleeping” and mooing. He’d rub my back but was mostly just watching me do my thing. So around 1 am I told him to just go to bed, and I ran a bath. The bath chilled everything out, and so I soaked for a bit and then got back into bed.

At this point, my contractions felt moderate, certainly more intense than period cramps. They lasted about a minute, but they didn’t look like the big labor contractions I’d seen attending births for so many years. I trusted that it was still early. Another thing that tipped me to the fact that it was still early labor was how easily I could rest between the contractions, how normal and lucid I felt.

At 3 am I got up to pee and when I wiped I saw a big chunk of mucus plug. This was really exciting because it gave me more confidence that my cervix was actually making a little bit of change. I did more resting, and mooing when I needed. Contractions stayed about 5 minutes apart for the rest of the night.

Close to 6 am, I got up to pee and decided to check my cervix. I squatted in front of the toilet and when I felt with my hand, my cervix was about 4 centimeters and in front of it was a taut, water balloon of amniotic fluid. In what I can only describe as an animal instinct moment, I intentionally squeezed the “water balloon” open and broke my own bag! A big gush of clear fluid poured out. Then my midwife brain turned on and told me, I should listen to the baby. I pulled out my doppler, fluid dripping down my legs, and listened to my daughter for a minute. Happy heart beat. I couldn’t believe what I had just done, and really couldn’t explain it to myself. I was suddenly anxious that I had changed the natural course of my labor. As a midwife, I would NEVER open someone’s bag at 4 centimeters…what the hell was I thinking.

I called Kara. “I’m in labor, and I opened my bag”. Kara’s voice was so warm and non-judgemental. She knew who she was working with. I like to call Kara the midwife’s midwife. She asked how I was feeling and I said “happy”. And she said call me back when you need me. In my memory, I hung up the phone and then proceeded to have my biggest contraction yet, and I let out a huge roar. This is the point at which I went to Mars. I stripped off all my clothes, and managed to ask my partner to get out the box fan. I got on all fours, naked, in front of the box fan, and mooed and howled as my contractions got very intense. By now, they were every 3 minutes or so, and with each one I felt the most intense pressure in my butt. I felt as if I was sitting on a hard coconut. My mind felt blank, and I was completely in my body. I’ve never felt more animal.

About 30 minutes later, I managed to bark to my partner to call Kara and tell her to come on over. I knew that if I was feeling all of this pressure in my butt, my baby was low and I was definitely progressing. It felt like instantly Kara walked through the door, but it was probably closer to a half hour. When she walked into my bedroom I yelled “check me!”. I wanted to push - and I felt myself naturally bearing down with each contraction. She checked me but didn’t tell me my exact dilation. She also listened to the baby with the doppler, all good. She said I still had cervix and suggested I try not to bear down, This felt close to impossible because my body was naturally doing it. She suggested the bath to ease the pushing feeling. I crab walked over to the bathroom and then proceeded to push out a giant log of poop while holding Kara’s gaze. And then I stepped in it. Labor is no place for modesty.

I got into the bath, but the splashing water made me feel like I was in a turbulent sea, huge waves peaking around me, and I immediately wanted out. My contractions were beyond big. SO MUCH PRESSURE. It’s truly ineffable the bigness of it all. My eyes squinted shut as I sat on the bathroom floor with these relentless waves of pressure slamming me. It felt a milimeter away from too much, but my body knew that I was close.

Kara and my partner went into the other room to futz with the birth tub we had rented, and I stayed in the bathroom, laboring. Suddenly, the coconut in my butt feeling switched to a zinging feeling in my vagina, and I knew my daughter was close. I put a hand inside, and immediately found my daughter’s head. I could feel her head at the opening of my vagina - about the size of a lime. I called out to my birth team “she’s right here!”. Photographic evidence tells me at this point I was hugging the toilet. Kara grabbed a sterile glove to confirm the baby's position and make sure I had no more cervix. She quickly said “yep!”. I trapped Kara in a strange spooning position as my partner called the assisting midwife to join us, my best friend, a midwife who Kara had midwifed twice!

We were all on the bathroom floor. My partner managed to switch places with Kara. I leaned my back into him. Kara supported my perineum. I felt my daughter barrel closer with each contraction, her head emerging more with every surge. As her head was crowning I yelled “OW OW OW!”. The stretching of my tissues, less than a few seconds, was maybe the most painful moment of the whole labor. But then I felt that her head was fully born and I said to myself “oh thank god”. I instinctively held my vulva, and the top of my daughter’s head as it emerged. Kara said “reach down, both arms”. She said “Hi baby, we’re so happy to meet you”. My partner started crying in joy. I pulled our daughter onto my chest and started patting her butt. I said “Hi Yohanna!” and then I cried “I did it!”. It was such sweet relief. Peak intensity melting into pure exhilaration.

My placenta came easily, and quickly. Kara got me into bed. My perineum was intact but I had an internal, muscular tear that needed a few stitches. Most of this was a blur. Kara quickly sewed me up. We all ate lox bagels from Saul’s, at my request, and drank fresh squeezed orange juice. My partner and I watched Kara do Yohanna’s newborn exam which included weighing her with a fish scale and sling in that iconic way all home birth midwives do. It was all really sweet, and I felt really happy.

Yohanna cried a lot of that night, and chomped on my nipples with her tiny, new mouth. We needed a lot of nursing support from Kara in the first few days and weeks, so I was so thankful I didn’t really have to leave my room. Kara would pop over, and we’d tweak our working plan to get my baby to poop and gain some weight. It was really humbling, trying to figure out how to feed our baby, but I felt emboldened by the birth. I’d never done anything so physically hard. I was proud of myself, and that helped carry me during the blurry and tired first few months of being a mom. I reflect on my birth with pride and awe every day, and I’m so grateful I was able to birth on my terms - unjudged, unbothered, free to be animal. I am genuinely excited to feel that animal feeling again some day.

First off, I want to preface by saying the care that I received from Kara was the best care that I’ve ever received from any provider.

Secondly, as a Labor & Delivery Nurse, I’ve seen so many providers rush through such special moments that perinatal care has to offer. However, every visit with Kara gave me the space and internal understanding of how to enjoy my pregnancy by simply slowing down. I will be forever grateful for every visit I had with such a legendary midwife.

Ok, my birth story, here goes:

Prior to 41 weeks of pregnancy, I had many nights of start and stop early labor. Kara had done a couple membrane sweeps and at 41 weeks I was hanging out at 4.5 cm dilated. I felt the urge to try castor oil to get things going. Kara and I talked closely, and considering how dilated I was, she felt I was a good candidate to make it happen.

At 1:30pm on November 17th, 2023 I drank castor oil in a fruit smoothie. It tasted like fruit-covered crayons. I had sent out a message to my whole team which included a birth photographer, my midwives, and my doula. All the women present at my birth all had babies with Kara, which made it felt special and sacred.

After doing my best to stay calm and keep the smoothie down, I cleaned my house, listened to some music, got my 2 yo daughter set up with my mother-in-law, and ate some dinner. I did my final lap of nesting, I was ready. Since I had been experiencing contractions off and on for weeks now, I wasn’t sure if these contractions would stay. I asked my husband to blow up the birthing tub just in case.

Weeks prior to the birth, my husband, Kevin, bought some lava lamps because he thought it would be funny / cool to have them going during labor to set a funky mood. After I plugged in the lava lamps and began to watch the lava morph around, I felt a sudden shift in my contractions that I hadn’t felt before.

I messaged my doula to let her know that it might be a good idea to head over. Around 5pm, my doula showed up and the contractions started to fizzle out. My inner, people-pleasing personality had scared them away. My doula even said “they fizzled out because I showed up”. I realized in that moment how much of the mind-body connection really matters for labor to begin. I had to tune in with that quiet primal side for oxytocin to be released.

Around 6 pm I called Kara, I told her that I was having inconsistent contractions that weren’t progressing. She told me to drink a little more castor oil, take a bath, and just relax.

Shortly after I got into the bath, it began to rain. With candles lit, lights off, music on, I watched the lightning through my bathroom skylight as the storm intensified. Lightning storms in San Francisco are very rare and it felt like a sign that the birth gates were opening for me. As my doula and I looked up through the skylight to watch the rain, I could feel my baby descending further into my pelvis. It was a wild and peaceful feeling.

I got out of the bath because I felt the sudden urge to poop. It wasn’t poop like pushing poop, it was my old friend castor oil making its way through my bowels. It was diarrhea on a level I had only experienced while traveling through China, so you can imagine.

After greeting my castor oil poops, my contractions came back online. My doula began doing light counterpressure while I draped over a yoga ball. At 7:10 pm, my water broke on my living room floor like a water balloon hitting the ground. The floodgates were fully open now. My husband and I looked at each other and started laughing with the realization that this was actually happening. We began to fill the birthing tub and I made the call to Kara.

Next, I found myself totally naked working through contractions in bed as the birthing tub continued to fill. Slowly and quietly, the midwives and my photographer trickled into my candlelit home. Each one of them silently gave me a hug and kiss on the cheek or forehead. Their kisses and hugs felt like a blessing to me as I began this rite of passage.

I decided to get in the warm birthing tub, my doula and Kevin stayed poolside through every contraction, while my midwives seamlessly bear witness, checked heart tones and blood pressure, and snuggled with my dog, Chief, on the couch. It was perfect and peaceful.

In between contractions, my husband and I would look into each other’s eyes and for some reason, we just couldn’t stop giggling, still in disbelief. That familiar giggle is the love we have so often come back to find our footing in unfamiliar, but beautiful territory. Throughout contractions, I also talked to Kara about music, a common theme during our prenatal visits. I couldn’t believe how beautiful this labor was. As every contraction began I would stop mid-sentence and meet every contraction with closed eyes, my breath, or a moan. The water helped ease the peak of every contraction as I moved around effortlessly. Holding my doula’s perfectly shaped hands made me feel so comforted and grounded.

Between 8pm and 10:30pm, this is where things began to get fuzzy for me as I slipped into labor land. My contractions began to pick up in intensity and I started to notice Kara and my other midwife making moves as they put gloves on and shined a light to see if baby was making their way earth side. The one thing that Kara said to me that really helped with contractions was “let it get big, I’m soft and open”. I needed to say these words out loud as I started to feel the intense sensation of contractions building closer in time and bigger in intensity. Suddenly, I felt the urge to go downstairs to my bedroom – my den, my safest place. I found myself getting out of the birthing tub and saying “I wanna go to the shower”. I was entering transition as I transitioned downstairs.

Once I got into my shower, I felt the urge to scream, not in a painful way but in an intensifying releasing way. I asked Kevin to hand me a washcloth to scream into and bite on. I never felt scared or that I wasn’t able to get through it. I knew that being in transition was supposed to feel this way, and was typically the shortest and hardest phase. However, I felt lost in the intensity.

In the shower, I saw Kara’s flashlight calmly emerge from the darkness to see if baby was coming. “I’m not sure what I need right now”, I told Kara. She knelt down and responded calmly “Would you like me to check you?” I quickly nodded and made moves to my bed on hands and knees. I started to feel like a bowling ball was about to come through my butt. As Kara checked me she told me that I was 10cm with an anterior cervical lip that she could reduce. She asked if she could reduce the cervical lip and once again I quickly nodded as I was ready to do anything to work with these contractions to push and meet my baby.

After Kara reduced the cervical lip, I felt the uncontrollable urge to sit on the toilet, but I wasn’t sure if I needed to poop, push, or both. Again, I was lost in the intensity. At this point, Kara told my husband to sit on the edge of the bed as I sat in front of him on the birthing stool. Finally, being told to sit down allowed me to center myself and gather my intensity to push.

Kara knelt in front of me as I looked at her and she smiled at me. I finally felt relaxed and smiled back. Kara took my hand to meet my baby’s head. It was amazing to finally push with the contractions, we both laughed just as we did so many times during our prenatal visits. Exchanging big smiles made me feel so safe and centered in my body again. Kara then said “baby’s head is turtling” which in the birth world meant there might be a shoulder dystocia coming. I asked if I should flip over into the Gaskin position. Kara responded, cool as cucumber, said “no, you’re perfect”. Kara adjusted baby’s head slightly and with another push, my baby popped right out and into my arms.

It was pure, joyful, and overwhelmingly beautiful. I thought my baby was a boy my entire pregnancy, but quickly lifted her leg to see I had just birthed our second daughter at 10:58pm after 12 minutes of pushing. I was instantly high and blissed out. I pushed out a beautiful 10 pound 4 ounce baby girl with no stitches – I felt like a superhuman. I delivered the placenta moments after with our brand new baby girl, Tully, still attached and skin to skin. I remember that cheesy grin never leaving my face after crawling into bed. Kevin then fed me the best bagel and cold beer in our warm cozy bed.

One of my most memorable moments in the immediate postpartum was watching Kara carefully assess our daughter Tully. I have assessed hundreds of newborns during my time as a nurse but have never witnessed such a thoughtful, gentle, mindful assessment of checking every nook and cranny of our Tully’s perfect little body. It’s a moment that will stick with me forever as a mom and nurse.

Everyone that was present for my birth made me feel so incredibly loved, confident, and safe. I’m not sure how to end my story in a way that captures the magical and peaceful feeling I felt that night. But I guess naming our daughter Tully, which means “peaceful” in Gaelic, will forever hold the highest truth. A fitting name for the calm, loving birth that we experienced on that stormy night at Ocean Beach.

I am incredibly grateful to Kara for her outstanding support and expertise during the birth of my daughter. From the very first visit, Kara took the time to build a strong, trusting relationship with me, dedicating 60 minutes to each appointment. This allowed us to discuss everything in detail and ensured I felt well-informed and confident throughout my pregnancy.

When my belly was measuring small, Kara was consistently reassuring, providing all the information I needed to make the best decisions for myself and my baby. It turned out that my daughter was simply small due to my husband's and my petite constitution. Kara's calm and informed approach meant that I could avoid unnecessary medical interventions that a hospital might have insisted on, such as induction.

My first pregnancy resulted in an incredibly fast delivery, taking only three hours from the first contraction to birth. This left me feeling like I didn't have time to fully realize or process the experience. It took me a while to bond with my baby, and my husband was preoccupied with last-minute preparations for the hospital, leaving us no time to enjoy those initial moments together. The experience was too intense and fast, lacking the cocooning time we needed. For my second birth, I hoped for a longer labor to fully embrace the process. My labor began in the middle of the night with one contraction every 20 minutes for about an hour. The contractions were perfectly manageable, like bad period cramps. After taking a shower to prepare, labor unexpectedly stopped. Surprised, I tried walking around the apartment to encourage contractions, but nothing happened, so I went back to bed and slept for another 3-4 hours.

When I woke up, the contractions resumed every 20 minutes, still mild. We decided to take a walk to Dolores Park at around 9am. On the way, we stopped to buy a financier and coffee. At the park, the light was gorgeous, and it was a perfect sunny November day. The park was almost empty, and the weather was pleasantly warm. We walked around the park until the contractions became more intense, about every 15 minutes. We called Kara, our midwife, to update her, and she stayed close by.

After more loops around the park, the contractions, although intense, were still spaced out every 10-15 minutes. We decided to head back home, stopping to buy some plants along the way. Once home, the contractions became very intense, and we called Kara. I had time to drink a homemade soup my husband lovingly prepared. Soon, I felt the urge to push.

In our bedroom, surrounded by candles, incense, flowers, and soft piano music, everything was ready to welcome our baby. When Kara arrived, I was already pushing. She made it just in time but remained calm and even shared a laugh with my husband. After my water broke, two pushes later, my daughter was born. The atmosphere was calm, cozy, warm, and full of confidence. I delivered the placenta easily and enjoyed two hours of skin-to-skin contact and breastfeeding. My husband also had skin-to-skin time, and we cut the cord when we were ready, about an hour after birth. I took a shower and ate right away. The second midwife arrived to assist with postpartum care.

This time, I had precious moments with my husband during labor, waiting patiently for our baby. The labor was smooth, progressive, and slow—just as I had hoped. I realized that allowing the body to function without interruption or even intervention leads to a natural and planned process. Problems often arise when we try to force a body that isn't ready. This is the beauty of home birth with a midwife: respecting physiology makes all the difference. Home births have a low rate of complications because midwives are experts in birthing, knowing how to observe, listen, and touch a body in labor. They trust the body and provide the necessary resources for a natural process. The environment plays a crucial role, with every detail counting, and confidence being the most important.

Birthing at home is an empowering experience, showcasing the strength of the body and mind for the best health of both mother and baby. Choosing a home delivery for a physiological pregnancy is the best gift you can give your baby.

Kara's blend of professionalism, support, and personal touch made my home birth an empowering and joyful experience. I trust her completely and recommend her without hesitation. Thank you, Kara, for everything!

It doesn’t get easier - you just go faster.

40 weeks

I set expectations that regardless of my January 31st “due date”, this would be a February affair. To take the pressure off the 40 week milestone, I planned a celebratory day for myself.

Weekly pilates restored what was left of my mobility and then I popped over to Kim Pierce’s to level up my regular prenatal for a “birth encouraging” massage. Whale sounds and clary sage set the mood while Kim hit the “exit button” pressure points. She finished by stretching my jaw - a move that I swear released decades of things I’ve never said. My toes curled, sacrum arched and sweat poured out the soles of my feet. An exorcism of sorts.

A visit to the DeYoung with Mel was not the right after party for that massage. While Mel and I pursued the haute couture collection, whatever Kim had dislodged perspired out my body in waves. I wasn’t sure if I was about to go into labor or faint. But after a few hours it passed and I ended the day with LB, out at dinner as planned.

The next 4 days were tough. Even if I didn’t expect anything, everyone else did. It was a lot of “has the baby come yet!?” I did another massage with Kim and a walk up Bernal hill to reset my energy. The weeks of rain had paused and the clouds lit up a billowy spring pink. I sensed this baby had an opinion about when he wanted to come and it was more cherry blossom than atmospheric river. I needed to loosen my grip so I wrote a note to myself, “Let go of what is past. Let go of what may come. Don’t try to figure anything out. Don’t try to make anything happen.”

41 weeks The zen vibe I’d fostered on that walk carried me through 41 weeks. Kara, my midwife, swept my membranes as I rounded 3-4 cm dilated. Things were happening - just at their own pace.

At 9 days past due, it was time for the routine antenatal test at UCSF. The baby performed but that afternoon the “high risk” doctor requested I come back for another resting heart rate baseline. Frustrated, I consulted Kara who asked, “what’s your intuition telling you?”. An empowering question that gave me the confidence to skip the Friday afternoon call back.

The clock was ticking as I rounded 41 weeks and 4 days.

Saturday I went to what I hoped was my final Jane Austin prenatal yoga class. I had the privilege of wearing her “41 week tiara” 3 times... While that helped add levity it was short lived. By the late afternoon I was crawling out of my skin and that night I couldn’t sleep. It had been a long 10 months and now I was anxious about the potential of having to induce the next week. I called Lauren, my birth doula, who calmed my nerves with a to do list.

Following Lauren’s recommendation of Le Tour de Stair Climb I did 30 minutes at the Battery East Trail stairs from Crissey Field up to the bridge trail followed by another 30 minutes (running) the Lands End stairs. A racing heart and wind in my face brought me to tears and was the oxytocin hit I needed. That night, we watched SF play Kansas City in the Super Bowl. Gus, our two year old, ran around the house yelling “touch down!” and “field goal!”. I soaked it up. Finally, we ended the night with marathon nipple stim. (3x 20 min) which both Lauren and Jane swore by. It’s a lot - but I was willing to do anything at that point.

Early Labor

At 3:00am I woke up to a surge that had the ramp up and down vibe. I noted the time for the 7 surges that followed, all around 10 min - 40 min apart. Between them, I gulped water, repeated my mantra “Don’t try to make anything happen. Don’t try to figure anything out” and slept.

At 7:00 am, I awoke to a surge that reminded me what they feel like when you're really in labor.
I showed Jim my schedule from the night before and told him it was worth giving the crew we had on call to take Gus a heads up - just in case.

I got out of bed to pee and my stomach completely emptied. In the bathroom I was having rolling surges and used the hand towel bar to lean over and sway my hips. By the time I made it back to the bedroom it was 7:25 am. I decided to give Kara an update. We both assumed things would pick up in the evening so kept the plan to meet at our scheduled 12:30 pm appointment.

I had the bedroom door closed and my birth playlist on so I could tune out the noise of Jim and Gus who had just woken up. Dylan’s Lay, Lady Lay. Nada Surf’s Blonde on Blonde, Nick Cave’s Into my arms, Nick Drake’s Pink Moon, The Velvet Underground’s Pale Blue Eyes and Nico’s These Days filled my room.

Go time Jim poked his head in the bedroom at 7:45am to see how I was doing. I was mid surge and all I could muster was a quiet moan. I knew he’d understand that meant get Gus out of here, I need you, this actually is happening now. Jim texted Kara that my surges were ramping. Kara told him to sit tight and wait for a pattern. By 8:00am Gus was out the door with my best friend LB. Jim was by my side just in time to support the surges that by 8:30 am had jumped from every 3 minutes to every 2 minutes, lasting over a minute. Kara was on her way. Game on.

I stacked up pillows to support a forward fold over my bed. When a surge came, I swayed my hips in a figure eight as I’d done most mornings to stretch. The vibe was tranquil with long inhales and exhales and a quiet hum that filled the space between Matt Beringer’s Walking on a String, the National’s Run Away, and Bon Iver’s Beach Baby.

Around 9:00am Kara opened the bedroom door. Seeing her with a backpack of birthing gear was relieving. Nothing could stop the momentum now. As Kara set up next to me she asked how standing was going. My immediate reaction was “good”, I needed to be able to move. But she had incepted me and I suddenly became aware that my legs were shaking such that I could barely stand. I crawled onto the bed and layed on my left side in the fetal position with my feet dangling off the edge. And that’s how I stayed for the rest of labor.

Jim closed the blinds and the room took on a calm gray with bits of light pink morning sun cracking through. The spring colors this baby was waiting for. My mind drifted into the portal where there is no time. The adrenaline shivers pulsed through my body. Jim sat on the bed behind me, not intervening beyond stroking my head as my hand lay draped over his knee. I moved boldly toward the surges when they came and deeply relaxed in between.

I never saw Lauren come in, my eyes were closed, but I felt her. She stood at my feet, stroked my thigh, put a hand on my back and whispered “you are safe.” I loosened my fingers, toes, brow and jaw. Kara gave me a kiss on the cheek. Then woosh, a much more intense surge left me in a full sweat. Jim put a cold towel on my forehead.

Brian Eno’s Music for Airports took over in the background. Bruce, our dog, paced at the foot of the bed beneath me. Kara checked the baby’s heart rate and reassured me that he was doing great. She asked how I was doing and all I could respond with was “I love you guys, I’m getting closer right?” The answer was a resounding “yes”.

The vibe remained tranquil. During each surge I’d breathe in and out my nose with an “mmmm” down the back of my throat, toward my cervix, with a sensation-aligning-crescendo. But once the surges were coming one on top of the other, I couldn’t get enough air.

Lauren sensed my strain and encouraged me, “You’re doing this.” As the next surge ramped I took a deep breath in and exhaled out my mouth with a low “awww” but now out through my open mouth as if it was directly connected to my cervix. Kara encouraged me, “good honey”.

I was beginning to embody a fire breathing dragon. The vibration of my own voice roared bigger than the sensations in my cervix, hips and inner thighs. Lauren reminded me, “big deep breath in, nice and heavy” as I fully relaxed after the surge and floated into Brian Eno, the light pink calm and love in the room.

The intensity continued to build as did my roar. Now, with each surge I’d take a deep breath in, ramp up with an “awww”, until it peaked with an “oohh” and wind back down with an “mmmm” breadth out. With no time in between the “mmmm” moved back into the “awww….oohh” loop. Birthing songs. I was hot and working hard. Jim encouraged me, “the baby is coming” as he put a fresh cold towel on my head.

Lauren reminded me, “each one brings you closer” as my “oohh” transitioned to an “OOOO” that rattled on it’s way out. My entire body shook as the next sensation hit a decimal so high I was no longer here on this plane. Lauren knew where I was heading and reminded me not to be afraid with a “you are strong, yes go there, that’s it.” My dragon self was breathing out a flame so big and powerful it could sustain the opening but between I was entirely serene.

I enjoyed a bit of a break and then my “OOOO” became a “WOA!. woa, woa, woa, woa….” A surge so vast it turns you inside out and shoots you off the earth. Like a dark waterslide, quick around the turns, along for the ride, completely surrendered. The closest to god I’ll ever be.

The feeling was so overwhelming I suddenly needed to know how much longer I had. I asked “is Sue here?” Sue was the assisting midwife and I knew if she was in the room I had to be close. “Yes, just in case you were waiting” said Sue. I exhaled with relief.

The final mile

Kara knew. This is why they call it “spiritual midwifery”. She’s on the other wave length with you. Kara said that soon my water would release and I’d feel the urge to bear down as she snuck another bed protection pad under me. She asked if I was too hot with the towel and I said “yes, but I need it.” I needed the weight of it to keep me tethered to something on this planet.

With the next surge my “OOO” turned into an “I’ve gotta pusshh.” And then, woosh, the fluid poured out of me. Powerful. I realized I was still laying on my side and I asked if I could stay like that. Lauren and Kara held my legs slightly apart so the baby could come through.

My dragon self fully took over during surges. It was all consuming, I was entirely off in the stars, going full speed ahead toward the big wide open. No way out but through and into. “Yes, you gotta go!” I said to the baby. I was telling him to follow my lead, no hesitation, feel the fear and do it anyway. Kara encouraged me and Lauren reminded me, “you know just where to go”.

Jim kissed my cheek, told me I was doing great, gave me a sip of water and I told him I loved him. Kara checked the baby’s heartbeat. I asked if “he was chilling”. She told me we were doing great. I told Kara to tell me when his head was out. I knew we were at the finish line.

Finally a longer break…Brian Eno still playing. Bruce still pacing.

The next surge was a massive push I couldn’t slow down. He was coming. “MMM…Oh fuck!” I let loose, opening my jaw, wide as I could. Letting the vibration over power my fear. Full and complete dragon roar. Faced with crossing the line, Kara reminded me, all was well and that I was safe. I took a deep breath to calm my energy so the baby would feel relaxed and I repeated after her “I am safe”. With the next surge I released a big sniffly cry as I repeated after Lauren, “OOO I am open, I am open, I am open.”

I said to the baby, “oh Lachie come on.” Then Kara asked me to lift my leg slightly and roll onto my back to give the baby a break - she could see his head. Kara’s voice stayed so calm as she coached me to feel his head, check in with him and tell him he was safe. I whispered to him, “you're safe” just as the final urge to bear down came gracefully. Kara said, “bring the baby all the way through…more, more, more babe, you got it, great, yes beautiful, oh yeah, your catching it, head is all the way out, oh Jess reach down for your baby.”
Jim said “There he is, there’s beau-Lachie!” I grabbed my baby under his arms as he came through and pulled him onto my stomach. Exactly as I’d visualized myself doing.

Cool down’

“I did it! Hi lover, oh I’ve been waiting for you! Oh I love you, you did it, we did it!” He let out a scratchy yelp to celebrate with me. We both understood the team work that had gone into getting us to this moment. “Everyone’s here, you’re a little hot - I know, I know you waited so long, hi slimy lover…are you thirsty after that work-out? It was fast wasn’t it?” I said to him. We were still sharing each other’s thoughts and feelings. Jim told him “good morning!” I took a big deep breadth in and out and told the room “I love you all so much”. It was 10:09 am

As the baby rooted around for my nipples, I was having mini surges - a reminder that we had one more step. The last song of the Brian Eno Music for Airports played as I breathed down my placenta and Kara transferred it to the gorgeous ceramic bowl she’d made for us.

Cold Speck’ Lay me down, shifted the room energy. I started to come-to. Back to this plane, this planet, this room. Floating down until I was in my body again. The tone of my voice changed. My vagina suddenly ached. My body started to shake. I opened my eyes to see Kara, Sue, Lauren and Jim all surrounding me. Kara sensed my disorientation and asked if I was alright.

All that was left was the only part of birthing I dread - the check for a tear. I pushed for less than 3 minutes so I prepared myself for the worst and was thrilled with less than paper cut. With that bit over, I turned my focus to telling my blood vessels to close and my uterus to contract as Kara massaged my stomach.

When we were ready, Jim cut the cord and the baby latched. Once he was done feeding Kara did the newborn screen while Sue helped me into the shower. I washed the blood and sweat off my body, a final goodbye to my birthing self.

By noon Kara and Sue had packed up. Lauren made us eggs for breakfast and gave me a foot rub and the lullabies of Eva Cassidy’s Fields of Gold, Jeff Buckely’s Hallelujah and finally Morgan Stapleston’s You are my Sunshine eased my nervous system. Jim and I cuddled in bed with the baby and decided to name him Lachlan.

When Gus got home that evening, the first thing he said when he opened the door was “where is Beau-Lachie (his nickname for his baby brother)?”. My heart couldn’t have been more full. I heard Gus washing his hands with Jim and then he came bursting through the bedroom door, climbed up on the bed and gave Lachie a once over. He kissed Lachie, stroked his forehead and then handed over his brand new white car. A gift for his new baby brother. Gus went running in his room to grab one of his pacifiers and put a blanket on Lachie - curious, gentle and loving as ever.

It was the first moment I was sure - this was indeed a good idea.

As a midwife who works in the hospital setting, I had been curious about homebirth but had never gotten the opportunity to attend a home birth myself. When exploring homebirth as an option, I learned that many hospital based midwives, doctors and nurses had worked with Kara as their homebirth midwife, including several colleagues who had graduated in the years above and below me. We decided to schedule a consult with a “midwives’ midwife” and from the first meeting we felt at ease with Kara. As a young midwife myself new to practice, Kara was invaluable to me as I brought every anxiety one can have about a pregnancy to her. She handled it all with grace and compassion, not only caring for me and my baby but teaching me about this beautiful and ancient model of pregnancy care that holds pregnancy as sacred, normal and healthy.

I came to trust Kara deeply. With so much information about pregnancy and birth but limited to the hospital setting, Kara came to be my most trusted resource, always spinning me back to get in touch with my gut and empowering me to make the decisions best for my pregnancy.

I ended up going a ways past my “due date,” and Kara was there to help keep me cool as we started to near 42 weeks, offering much guidance that I was unfamiliar with on how to get labor started, information I wouldn’t have received in a hospital environment. I ended up going into labor spontaneously before hitting 42 weeks, with my water breaking early in the morning and strong labor coming on quickly afterwards. Kara came to our house shortly after and supported us through a roller coaster ride of a labor and birth. Sue acted as her wonderful assist and joined that afternoon for the birth.

Two unusual emergencies were a part of our story, including our daughter needing resuscitation and then a postpartum hemorrhage. Back to back, Kara and Sue resuscitated our baby and then were able to control my bleeding and stabilize my vital signs. While it was all happening, I was able to turn off my midwife brain and felt deep trust and peace knowing that I was in their capable hands. Despite this whirlwhind, within several hours they had us tucked into bed with our beautiful new daughter, having cleaned up the apartment and fed us after everything was stabilized.

In the postpartum period, Kara was there to process my birth, to answer one hundred questions about newborn care and breastfeeding, and to come to us for postpartum visits and weight checks so we didn’t need to leave the house with baby for several weeks.

There’s so much more that Kara did for us, but it’s such an extensive list it would require pages to include it all. Overall, Kara was our most trusted guide and the exact person you’d hope to have in the case of an emergency. I would not change anything from our journey, and would recommend her without hesitation for anyone looking for a knowledgable and loving support through your pregnancy, birth and postpartum. Ultimately, working with Kara set our daughter up to thrive and set me up to be the best mother and midwife I can be. Thank you Kara for all of the heart and soul that you pour into your work. The world is so lucky that you decided to become a midwife.

When I found out I was pregnant with my second baby, the choice to have a home birth was an easy one. My first baby, Teddy, was born in a hospital a month before the world shutdown in 2020. There was nothing negative about our experience in the hospital, but the pandemic gave me time to learn about and understand other choices that were available for prenatal care and birth. Before getting pregnant the second time, I had already done so much research that my husband, Jonathan, and I were 99% sure that home birth was the best option for us. Once we met Kara, we were more than 100% sure that home birth was the best option for our family.

Labor for Teddy was not considerably lengthy (even for a first timer with an epidural) so we sort of had a feeling baby #2 would not take too long to enter the world. The day after my guess date, I just had a gut feeling that the baby would be born that day. Daycare was closed that week, so Jonathan was taking Teddy to his parents’ house that morning. As I was putting him I the car, I broke down in bittersweet tears cause I knew this was the last time I would be seeing my son as an only child. The boys drove off after told my husband that I would let him know if I started to feel anything, but to take his time getting back home.

I began having light period-like cramps that were regular, but nothing big or frequent enough to sound the alarms. After showering and drying my hair, I relaxed on the couch watching some of my favorite trash television when I felt a little pop and thought “maybe my water just broke!” After standing up, my suspicions were confirmed. I excitedly called Jonathan and told him to head home soon then called Kara letting her know my waters had released. She let me know that things will probably start to ramp up and then she can come over anytime. Since my surges were still very light, I was playing it cool and just kept watching tv and called my mom to give her the update. Right after getting off the phone with her, the surges started to get a little harder to ignore. At this point, I naively thought I still had hours to go, but figured I would start tidying up and get into the zone with my meditation tracks. At this point, I was texting Kara and telling her I was still fine without her, but would keep her posted.

As she predicted, things ramped up pretty quickly and I had to fully focus on my breath to get through each surge. I finally told her to head over and texted my husband he needed to come home…NOW (the birthing tub still needed to be set up!) One surge hit me so hard that when it was over, I was on the ground with my headphones on and I had no idea how long it had been. I truly went into a trance like state and had never experienced anything like it. My hypnobirthing practice was paying off! During that rest period, I felt the urge to vomit and crawled to the bathroom to throw up. I knew then that it was go time and baby would likely be coming out soon. I was able to squeak out a text to Kara and she let me know she was en route. Jonathan got home a few minutes later and excitedly started to get the tub set up. Kara walked in shortly after and began getting her supplies ready and helping Jonathan with the tub (at least I think this is what was happening…I had headphones on and was zoning out in the bathroom thinking about how long it would be until I would be able to be submerged in that bath).

All of a sudden, things shifted and the next surge felt different. A low and deep noise came out of my throat that I had zero control over. I somehow called Kara over to check me out. I heard her tell Jonathan to stop setting up the tub cause we were having the baby right where I was in the bathroom. I couldn’t believe it! It hadn’t even been an hour since my bag opened. I didn’t even feel the urge to push because my body took over and did all the pushing for me. All I had to do was attempt to breath and surrender. It was the most intense and powerful feeling that used every piece of energy in my body and I had zero control. Jonathan was rubbing my neck through the surges and after what felt like a few seconds, Kara told him to come behind me if he wanted to catch the baby. The last surge was the biggest sense of relief as I felt my baby be born into Kara and Jonathan’s hands. We kept the gender a surprise, so Jonathan was able to announce to me that we had a little girl! I was in complete shock that she was here and that she came so quickly. I had a feeling it would be quick, but not quite like this! My bag broke at 10:50 am and she was born at 12:05 pm.

Kara and Jonathan helped me up and into our bed where we cuddled our new baby and I delivered the placenta. I was still in complete shock, but totally blissed out about how it all transpired. What a dream it was to be in our own bed immediately post birth with Kara and Brigette lovingly caring for us and our little girl. After a day or so, we named our daughter…Midori Moriarty. An ode to both of our maternal grandmothers.

My pregnancy and birth with Midori taught me so much about what I am capable of and the power of the mind-body connection. My wish is for more women to be aware of how amazing physiological birth can be with the right preparation, care provider and birth setting. Thank you, Kara, for the way you cared for me and my family...we will never forget you and I can’t wait to tell our daughter the story of how she was born.

I came to trust Kara deeply. With so much information about pregnancy and birth but limited to the hospital setting, Kara came to be my most trusted resource, always spinning me back to get in touch with my gut and empowering me to make the decisions best for my pregnancy.

I ended up going a ways past my “due date,” and Kara was there to help keep me cool as we started to near 42 weeks, offering much guidance that I was unfamiliar with on how to get labor started, information I wouldn’t have received in a hospital environment. I ended up going into labor spontaneously before hitting 42 weeks, with my water breaking early in the morning and strong labor coming on quickly afterwards. Kara came to our house shortly after and supported us through a roller coaster ride of a labor and birth. Sue acted as her wonderful assist and joined that afternoon for the birth.

Two unusual emergencies were a part of our story, including our daughter needing resuscitation and then a postpartum hemorrhage. Back to back, Kara and Sue resuscitated our baby and then were able to control my bleeding and stabilize my vital signs. While it was all happening, I was able to turn off my midwife brain and felt deep trust and peace knowing that I was in their capable hands. Despite this whirlwhind, within several hours they had us tucked into bed with our beautiful new daughter, having cleaned up the apartment and fed us after everything was stabilized.

In the postpartum period, Kara was there to process my birth, to answer one hundred questions about newborn care and breastfeeding, and to come to us for postpartum visits and weight checks so we didn’t need to leave the house with baby for several weeks.

There’s so much more that Kara did for us, but it’s such an extensive list it would require pages to include it all. Overall, Kara was our most trusted guide and the exact person you’d hope to have in the case of an emergency. I would not change anything from our journey, and would recommend her without hesitation for anyone looking for a knowledgable and loving support through your pregnancy, birth and postpartum. Ultimately, working with Kara set our daughter up to thrive and set me up to be the best mother and midwife I can be. Thank you Kara for all of the heart and soul that you pour into your work. The world is so lucky that you decided to become a midwife.

First: I had no idea what home birth meant. I honestly thought it meant: "oops, we didn't make it to the hospital in time, we had to have the baby at home." 

I met Kara before I was even pregnant because I'm a Millennial and fairly Type-A (I think of myself as Type-B+, for the record) and I wanted to do my research. Once I became pregnant we made things official. My husband works in biotech so I was nervous how I'd convince him of this alternative route but he was surprisingly open to learning more. After our first meeting with Kara he was all-in and mega supportive. Something I loved about the process was how involved he was; it wasn't my pregnancy and he happened to be there. It really felt like a team effort; we learned everything together, made decisions together and he became very invested in every step of the way. (To this day he knows wayyy more about pregnancy and birth than his peers. Not that it's a competition!)

We took a birth class at Root where we met two other wonderful, like-minded couples; we took a prenatal yoga class we loved; we had round-robin meetings at the houses of Kara's other clients who shared the same birth month. Around 30 weeks, when I still felt hesitant about having a doula, Brigitte played birth-matchmaker and put me in touch with someone she thought I'd really get on with--and I did. We became legitimately invested in the natural birth community. We felt so prepared.

My due date came and went. I knew to expect this... but I also started nearing 42-weeks, the last day to legally have a home birth in California. I stopped answering "baby yet?!" texts and started going to the hospital for non-stress-tests. I began preparing to maybe let go of my idea of a homebirth. I knew all along not to hold on to a "birth plan" too closely but in practice that's challenging. I also began acupuncture, herbs, tinctures, and yes, at 41-weeks 5-days: castor oil. Contractions began that night but dissipated. The next morning, I disappointedly returned to the hospital, had another NST, and scheduled an induction for the following morning (42wks on the nose) at 8am. On my way back to the parking lot I texted Kara: does anyone ever do castor oil twice? "In this situation, if you're up for it, go for it." I did. 

Contractions began again that night as they had the previous night but I told my husband to go to sleep. I'll wake you if it gets serious. We got in bed around 9p but by 10p we were on the phone with the doula. I remember everything so distinctly though it's too enigmatic to attempt a description. Here are the big pieces: at some point the tub was filled. At some point Kara arrived. At some point she measured me and said I think you'll be happy: I was 9cm. When she asked if I wanted to get in the tub I said anything other than this and hobbled in. Two big pushes later a head was out. My 10lb babe arrived at 3:30 am, mere hours before we were due at the hospital for my induction. 

I can't begin to describe how empowered, prepared, educated, supported and honestly loved and cared for I felt during my husband's and my first birth together. Kara and Brigitte were everything we needed for that amazing journey. Always supporting, guarding, guiding she made for an amazing leader of our birth team. We had no idea just how fortunate we were to come across the team we had but as time has gone on, we do realize it. And we are truly, eternally grateful. 

Each day that passed, getting us closer to our due date of May 1st, we were more and more excited to meet our little baby. We wondered, would today be the day? Tonight?

Jason and I got into bed and chatted about how it could be any day now .. but thought, maybe since I had no signs of labor, it would be over the weekend. It was easier to manage expectations so we weren’t anticipating activity every hour of the day. With that, Jason nodded off to sleep and I rested my eyes and visualized what it would be like to hold my baby.

At 12:20am, I felt a cramp in my side ~ it was small, but I still got up to go to the bathroom and walk a bit. I got back into bed and thought, maybe this could be it?? I noted the time, and tried to get comfortable in case this was the beginning. A few minutes later, I felt another cramp - I smiled, thinking yes, this may be it. I got up again and went to the bathroom. When I got back to the bed, I looked at Jason and thought, I’ll let him rest a little longer, this is probably going to be a while - I can put on my meditation and labor on my own for a bit. After a few more surges that seemed to get more rapid, I thought the pace was quicker than I expected so wanted Jason to be up with me to provide support. I was a little nervous that it seemed to be progressing in faster intervals than normal...A surge every few mins. The last time as I recalled, that would be considered - active labor. But here, I had just started.

I nudged Jason and whispered - I think it’s time. He jolted awake and started getting into motion with his list of to-dos. I went back to pacing between toilet and bed, pretty soon just toilet and sink. As Jason was prepping the bed sheets and bathroom mats, I tried to time the contractions myself, and they were every 3 mins. I thought, this is so fast - how can we already be here? Jason put on my birth meditation that I had been practicing with for the past two weeks, and lit two candles that I had set up in advance. The bathroom was dark. I was in the zone. I recall Jason came back to me and put his hand on my shoulder to rub it … I couldn’t bear the touch so shrugged away. I was in a trance, trying to focus on the meditation and my breathing and the rapid surges.

I started to feel overwhelmed at the pace, and told Jason that we should call Kara. This was 1:15am, only 50 mins since the first surge. I continued to pace and breathe, visualizing my baby coming to me, closer with every contraction. Before I knew it, the surges were coming in waves one upon another, and I was bracing myself by the sink, gripping myself for each one. Suddenly I heard Kara’s voice as Jason and Kara came into the bathroom - I muttered how glad I was to see her and that things were moving so fast … and just then, I groaned and pushed with a surge, and my water broke and splashed to the floor.

Suddenly, I felt compelled to drop to my knees, and started pushing. Kara was by my side, as was Jason, and she called out that she could see his head. Again, I heard the worlds but couldn’t understand .. how could his head already be there? I had just started…. Second push … Kara said she the head was coming out … third push … almost there …. I could hear her telling Jason that baby’s heart rate had dropped and she told me, I need you to push one more time Eurie … I heard and re-centered on my body. I could not push just yet, I did not feel the urge. I waited. Then, maybe seconds maybe minutes later, I felt my body ready to push, so I pushed. Out came his head, and Kara said it was good! One more push to get his shoulders out, so I pushed and he slid out into her hands, and she brought up through my legs up to my chest. I was suddenly holding my wet baby, we were both crying, and I just thought, is he ok? Is he ok? Kara said yes, he was great … and I heard his cries and knew he had arrived.

A few minutes passed I think. We were just frozen in that moment with him in my arms. Brigette walked in a min after he came out, and started helping to get the baby wrapped, dry, and warm. We all scooted towards my bed, and they helped me get in with little baby to rest … he was still attached to me via umbilical cord, but he was on my chest, warming up to my breast and body, and I felt elated that the labor was over.

James Asher, as we later decided to name him, came into the world at 1:58am, exactly 1 hour and 43 minutes after my first small contraction. It was the smoothest birth I could have imagined, I was connected to him and my body the whole time, and I trusted myself despite my fears that things were going too fast, or that I did not know what to do. I did know what to do, and I believed that we, James and I, could do it together. And we did.

As I reflect on this birth story, it is the one I always wanted. It makes me realize how hard my first experience was, and what an impact that had on our first few weeks, months, together with Izzy. With this birth, as smooth and swift as it was, my body felt empowered by the experience, versus resentful or a victim to it. I emerged feeling strong and confident, that I can take care of my baby, and trust my instincts. And that caring for him does not directly mean that I have to sacrifice my own health and care. That we can be cared for together. And care for each other together. His nursing helps relieve my breasts. My milk fills his body with nourishment. We are a team.

I am so grateful for all those who supported me throughout this pregnancy and birth. Kara and Brigette, our midwifery team, all my dear friends and sisters, our family, and of course Jason, who supported me in such a deeper way this time, seeing how hard each step in the process was for me, and appreciating my efforts in a way that validated my contributions and sacrifices. I feel seen and appreciated, and that has made all the difference.

I knew this birth would be different than my first. This was both a small source of worry (my first at the birth center was beautiful and I wouldn't have changed a thing), but was also great practice for embracing the unknown: wisdom for labor, as I have been told. I had such a positive experience with my first born that I knew i wanted to try homebirth, as several friends of mine had. I have always felt empowered by the writings of Ina May Gaskin and other birth workers who normalize birth. I really loved the intimate relationship that a midwife has with you throughout pregnancy and postpartum, like a friend or family member there by your side. Contrasting this to my hospital experience in prenatal care was like feeling seen versus feeling unseen. In the hospital, I felt a unit of measure moving through a revolving door.  I also REALLY did not want to have to leave my house or drive in a car after being in active labor. 

***

My first baby was born at 40 weeks, 1 day. So when  40 plus 1 day passed, then two days, then three, then four... I tapped into the patience and trust of my body and baby. This takes work, for sure, and it’s not easy. At 41 weeks, I met with Kara at her office and we decided to begin some gentle encouragement to start labor (homeopathics, herbs, sweeping membranes). On my end, I was trying every old wives tale (pineapple? Sure. Spicy Hunan take out? sure) and some trusted ones (nipple stimulation and sex). I had some contractions on a Friday night, texting my doula and Kara. They went away by morning. On Saturday, I went for a walk with my doula which was a great mental clearing and positive emotional support. Throughout the early afternoon I felt small contractions, but was still moving about as normal.  I took a nap and by 4pm, things were kicking in. Kara called and she said it could happen this night. Kara was also so positive, hopeful and reassurming throughout every part of my prenatal care. She recommended having a nice dinner with my family, lighting a candle and honoring that this could be our last night as a party of three. During my toddler’s bedtime routine at about 7pm, I was laying in child’s pose, and hands and knees, during the more intense surges. After he was asleep, I moved about the house in different positions as things became more intense. I would rest my forehead on a pillow while on my knees in bed, then move to the living room and lay over my exercise ball. At some point, my partner lay on the bed with me on my side and sounded & breathed through contractions with me. I found this invaluable with my first labor. 

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 Around 10pm we called our doula and also set up the birthing tub in our living room.  I have no idea how long or far apart my contractions were at this point. I had stopped timing them, but my doula was monitoring this. I remember that going pee would always trigger a big surge and feel very intense. At one point, probably around 10:30 or 11pm, it seemed as if things were slowing down or getting less intense. My doula said there was the possibility to go back to bed and then have labor come back the next day. This felt like a strange crossroads, and while it was tempting to think I could literally just go to sleep and push pause on labor, I decided I wanted to forge forward and pick things up. She suggested walking up and down our 2 flights of stairs. I did this a few times, also with my partner. I believe I went into the kitchen next and had some very intense contractions leaning against the counter. At this point, my doula was observing my standing contractions and gave me the advice to move more into them with my body, coaxing things downward. This felt like a choreography of some kind, using my arms and hands and hips to breath and mentally focus on “downward and open.”  More peeing, more stairs and about an hour later I was feeling the need for hot water ––hot water is what I turn to when needing comfort.  I turned on the shower and grabbed an IKEA stool my child uses at the sink. I would sit with my back to the hot shower head, and then stand and roll my hips during surges, leaning against the tiled wall. Daniel was filling the birth tub (or so I thought). A very little while later I told my doula, who was keeping time on my contractions, that things were feeling very low and almost “pushy.” I said, can we call Kara to come over? I was contracting and pulling up and in during surges because I was too afraid to let my body release downward for fear that Kara would not be there if I actually pushed out a baby. I knew I would be safe with my doula and things would be fine if she caught the baby, but there's something very comforting about your midwife being present! I would roll my body in circles while leaning pretty firmly at this point against the wall, my head pressed into my hands at my forehead. I started to say a mantra, or a prayer if you will, that everything would be okay, everything would be okay. I was counting the seconds until Kara would arrive. (Later, my doula told me when she saw me begin to chant to myself that everything would be okay and that Kara would be there soon, that she, too, began to pray. We had a good laugh over this!). Finally, Kara rushed into the dark hallway. I pictured her with her bulky backpack and it was as if I had permission to really move into the next phase of labor and not hold anything back. I got down on my knees and leaned over the side of my tub. Kara got prepped quickly outside the tiny bathroom, said hello to me, turned off the shower and put on the tub water. There was a candle burning and the lights were off. I remember going into transition very quickly afterwards, a moment I had been not looking forward to. I was much more aware of what was happening and much more verbal and cerebral than my first labor. “Is this transition?! Am I in transition??” I asked everyone. As Kara accounted after the labor, she replied kindly, “This is talking, Lauren.” Haha.  It was just as uncomfortable and formidable as I remembered it. I declared out loud “I don't’ want to do this!” and then told myself, “But I’ll do it!” Kara and my doula had squeezed into the postage stamp bathroom with me;  Daniel was upfront and center, holding my hands. Suddenly the urge to push came and this pushing felt different than with my first labor. I vaguely heard Kara say, “Lauren, do you feel that the baby is in the sac?” I pushed as hard I could, while roaring as hard as I could. A few pushes later, Maeve was born into the shallow bath water.  The amniotic sac broke just as she came out, in all her glory. It was about 5 minutes of pushing and she was born just around 15 minutes after Kara arrived. Kara quickly switched places with Daniel and checked Maeve in an instant, then placed her on me. I felt just as relieved and triumphant as one can imagine, or has experienced. 

In summary, homebirth is a revolution and a revelation, as well as being the simplest, mundane act. I wish every mother could feel an empowered birth, no matter where or how they birth their baby. I wish every mother had a friend, confidant, ally, sister, professional and caretaker like Kara. It’s what we all deserve. 

Savannah was conceived just two weeks after a miscarriage. The pregnancy was full of stressors, problems in our marriage, selling our home in San Francisco and buying a home in Danville, moving from San Francisco to Danville, and just having a 2.5 year old. Most of the pregnancy I felt terrible: exhausted, overstressed, nauseous or overfull, aching throughout my body and sleepless. The last trimester, I developed sleep apnea and extreme dry mouth that woke me up every 45 minutes. The last 3-4 weeks, I had Braxton Hicks so much that it always seemed like labor was going to start and yet it didn’t again and again. Throughout all of this, Kara was an incredible supportive presence. A soothing voice in my sea of negativity, reminding me it was okay to hate being pregnant and that it was still beautiful to be pregnant even when you hate it. She reminded me that my experience was okay and my daughter was loved and cared for even when I felt like I was failing. She made me feel worthy on days I felt worthless and strong on days I felt like I was crumbling.
I stopped working at the end of June and that really helped me feel physically better. I got to rest and float in the pool and my swelling really went down, but I was still tired all the time. My son Dylan was born three weeks early, so I was sure Savannah would be born at least a little bit early. I arranged to have my aunt stay with me starting at 37 weeks. My mom arrived at 38 weeks. There were so many nights that I had strong contractions that I stayed awake waiting for labor to start….it didn’t. One day I was driving to see a friend and had to pull over and then have my mom drive me home the contractions were so strong…yet I still didn’t go into labor. Finally at 40 weeks and 3 days, I was so ready to have this baby. I had already had Kara strip my membranes twice over the last week. I had lost my mucus plug on Tuesday and it was now Sunday and still no labor. I talked to Kara about taking castor oil to make the labor start. It was now August 1, 3 days past my due date and my mom was set to go home on August 5 to go on a long planned trip. I drank two castor oil cocktails in the morning and took my son to the park. It was like my entire tummy was in a constant cramp. I called Kara and told her how I was feeling. She said she would come out to my house and just check me and the baby. I had been really scared that my labor would be so fast that no one would be able to get to me in time and Kara had had a dream that she needed to come to my house to be with me to get labor started. My son was born within 8 hours and we all felt this baby would come fast and we had Bay Area traffic to contend with even though we were still in the pandemic. Thankfully, Kara had the intuition to come see me that day because Savannah arrived very fast and in need of some quick help.
I laid down and Kara arrived at my house about an hour later. I was feeling the same, just cramped throughout my tummy. She checked me and the baby and Savannah was doing just fine. My heart sunk a little when she told me I wasn’t in labor. We talked for a while and Kara was going to use the rebozo to try to give me a little relief. I went to the bathroom and I felt the baby drop more than usual and a gush of water released. We tested the fluid and it was amniotic meaning my water had broken. Almost immediately the contractions started and were strong and close together. I quickly became a little frantic and said I needed to get into the bath. The warm water is the only thing that gives me any relief during labor and the relief it gave during this one was barely any at all. My husband appeared and Kara pressed on my hips on the beginning which was also really helpful. I remember saying I just needed a break because I felt the contractions were coming right on top of each other. I bit my arm so hard and screamed and begged for it to stop. I remember Kara telling me to try to loosen my jaw and making the haaaa noise on my exhale to try to get me to breathe. This also really helped. I said I needed a hospital (just like I did during my first homebirth when Britt Fohrman thankfully talked me down – because for that birth I had time to get to the hospital). This time Kara was my mama bear telling me what would happen if we needed to transfer and that I was so close to having the baby I may not make it to the hospital. Somewhere in the middle of this, I remember hearing Kara say she needed to go out and get her bag. Labor progressed so quickly Kara barely had time to get her stuff inside before I started pushing. Luckily, she did get her birth bag and everything set up in time and I don’t really remember her ever being gone. It felt like she was there the whole time. I started to feel like there was more space between my contractions and some of the intensity was gone. I asked Kara how much longer…fearing the answer. She asked if I could feel my baby’s head. I said yes. She asked first knuckle or second? I said first. She said, “maybe 15 minutes.” I was so relieved. I felt I could do 15 minutes. I was afraid she was going to say much longer. Suddenly in the midst of my very loud and not calm at all birthing, Kara looked in my eyes and told me that I needed to do exactly as she said. She told me I had to get on my hands and knees and then push as hard as I could. I may have said, I don’t think I can and if I did, I know she said yes you can. As soon as she said to, I did flipped around and tried to push and somehow Savannah came out right then. She was blue, her eyes were closed and she was not breathing. I was still in the bath, then Kara was in the bath with me. I was holding what I thought was my lifeless baby and asking if we should call 911. Kara immediately started resuscitating her as I helped to hold her. We were all wet. My husband noticed that Kara was having a hard time doing everything she needed to do and keeping the suction of the bag over Savannah’s mouth and he reached in and held the suction over her mouth. Almost immediately, Savannah started crying and breathing. Kara resuscitated her very quickly. It turned out the cord was tightly wrapped around her neck and Kara had to get into the bathtub with me and push the cord over Savannah’s shoulder and get her out as quickly as possible to do the resuscitation. Kara knew that the crowning was taking too long and suspected that the cord may be hindering Savannah from coming through the birth canal. When she pinked up and started breathing, we all breathed a big sigh of relief too and I relaxed back into the tub holding my baby. The entire labor lasted only about an hour. Our assistant mid-wife and my doula Paige Driscoll were not able to make in on time. They both arrived after the birth and Paige was able to capture some beautiful moments in photographs and on film. Savannah June was born at approximately 5:48 pm on Sunday August 1, 2021. My water had broken about 4:40pm.
My mom brought Dylan back from the park to meet Savannah and he was fascinated with the placenta. As the sun set, we all decompressed, ate some cassoulet prepared by my husband in anticipation of the birth and even drank a nice DAOU Cabernet my mom brought from Paso Robles.
I am so grateful for Kara. I never imagined myself the kind of person who could do a natural home birth. It was only with Kara’s calming presence and my complete confidence in her that I was able to do this…twice. When we told our pediatrician who works in the hospital for births the story of Savannah’s birth, she was in complete awe of Kara’s skill to do what she was able to do at home, by herself, and wet from the bathtub! We are forever grateful to Kara for her compassion, her birthing wisdom, her helpful and therapeutic care throughout a stressful pregnancy and finally for being a total rock star at resuscitating baby Savannah. Her care takes into account not just the new baby, but the health and well being of the mama as well as the rest of the family. There is no comparable way to bring a new life into your family.

I scored pretty high on the Adverse Childhood Experience (ACE)  test, so it took me many years of self-care and personal work-- meditation & yoga-- to decide to start a family. I’ve spent my life’s work around children -- as an educator, kids yoga instructor, birth doula-- and more recently assisting new birthing parents in their postpartum period as a holistic postpartum doula. 

I met Kara and Brigette while working with a mutual client who I adored. Upon knowing I was just pregnant, I interviewed different midwives. Working in the birth world, and birthing during COVID, I knew I wanted to “meet” midwives relatively quickly in order to make a decision based on our rapport, not just availability. I didn’t need any convincing of the safety and comfort of birthing at home, I have complete faith in home births. I wanted to be able to be with someone that would support me however I ended up being while birthing--quiet, loud, present, primal, etc. Kara’s sense of humor and non-invasiveness immediately appealed to me. I know myself to be able to be very quiet and still and the next moment to be having a laugh attack-- so I knew I needed someone who could handle those extremes gracefully and be able to read me. Having witnessed birth before, my birth preferences were two fold “just not on BART & delayed cord clamping.” Birth happens how it happens and although I wanted a home birth, I knew that at the ripe age of 45 I could easily end up in the hospital. 

Getting to know Kara and Brigette during COVID was sweet. I wanted to be their friend as they were often the only new people I engaged with, let alone in person. They took their time to get to know me. 

Also, with COVID, I wanted to have concurrent care with Kaiser--both to have a safety net of having all my info should a hospital transfer be necessary--and the geekier side of me to be able to understand what kind of care my clients may receive if they choose hospital care.  Kara and Brigette and I would hang out for an  hour or so for my visits. My Kaiser appointments were often under 10 minutes. I made it clear that i did not want to know the sex of my baby at Kaiser--looking away during ultrasounds, etc. The geneticist at Kaiser sent me notes with the sex, by ‘mistake’ at the top of her report. Sure, there was an apology but you can’t unknow that sort of thing. Then I spent the next several months not telling my partner so that it could still be a surprise. That is a small glance of the difference between care models. Something so important to a couple can get lost in the charts and an error can be made so easily because the number of patients/caseload is so high. 

As a middle aged Gen Xer, being split between the generations meant that the focus wasn’t just on my pregnancy and ensuing beginning of a family, but rather the pressure to take care of my own mother, from across the country. Kara and Brigette listened and held space for me to process this kind of stress and discomfort-- there was never a moment where I felt I shouldn’t share something so deeply personal and familial going on for me. I felt safe and heard. Not once did it feel important or appropriate to share with my OB--it felt indeed too personal. 

Despite pressure from my OB at Kaiser to be induced much earlier, I was in labor 10 days past my due date at home induced by a dear friend by acupuncture. My labor was strong from the beginning--every 5 minutes for approximately 33 hours. 

I had an entire team of close friends who happen to be medical professionals with me for my birthing process: my acupuncture & yoga friend, my chiropractor who adjusted me throughout labor, and my partner’s best friend who happens to be an EMT. Kara and Brigette allowed my partner and friends to step in as desired while also monitoring me skillfully the entire time. My ever-so-active baby was posterior, so I was riding the incredible waves of increasing, steady pain of back labor the entire time.  They skillfully didn’t tell me how little I was dilated during my first check. When I was finally ready to be medicated and transfer to the hospital no matter what, they did another check. I was 8  cm dilated, in transition, and textbook was asking for help to get through it! I persisted despite the most painful thing I've ever experienced and with everyone’s support gave birth to my baby at home. There was a moment just before the pushing stage when the baby’s heart rate dropped and the meconium was apparent. Kara simply, calmly instructed me to push now. There was strength and presence in that demand that made me rise to the occasion despite hours of pain, puking, and dehydration. There wasn’t fear in her being or voice but wakeful direction that cut through the moment. 

My plan was to go with a hospital birth but I was bringing some baggage with me.

5ish years ago I had an ectopic pregnancy with an IUD in place - something that happens only .01% of the time. By the time I found out what was going on, Jim and I were in the UCLA emergency room and I was being rushed into surgery. In the end I lost a fallopian tube and have had a hard time with any kind of OBGYN type visits since. Then the fall before getting pregnant with Angus we had a misscariage. After an attempt to pass it at home failed, I ended up needing a DNC the following month.

On top of all of that, I generally hate needles and hospitals in general. But given how much I’d relied on the hospital for both miscarriages, I didn’t even question an alternative. That being said, Jim knew I’d have a hard time staying calm and wanted us to look into having a birth doula to support bringing our baby, Angus, into the world.

Week 14 I wasn’t sold on having a doula but Jim convinced me to talk to one of his cycling friend’s partners, Lauren Brown, and that’s when everything changed. Lauren’s vibe was grounding and I knew immediately she’d guide me through this process - starting with a dropbox folder of resources I devoured.

I read about birth work legends like Ina May Gaskin's “Guide to Childbirth” and got insightful data to frame my thinking from Emily Oster’s “Expecting Better”. I went down a feminist rabbit hole that ended with Regena Thomashauer’s “Pussy Reclamation”. I watched movies and listened to podcasts about birth like Jessica Morre’s “Why Not Home” and Bryn Huntplamer’s “Birthing Hour”. I took the Rachel Yellen and Spinning Babies classes. This whole world opened up to me that I found powerful, in a I am Woman Hear me Roar type of way.

In the end, I realized I didn’t want a lot of the things the hospital offered (induction, epidural, monitoring etc) because that’s all stuff that makes me anxious and y felt a sense of confidence that my body was capable (if everything went right) to do this naturally and at home.

Week 20 So I got curious about home birth. Lauren put us in touch with Kara Engelbrecht, a midwife she thought we’d jive with. In our first phone call with Kara she spent more time with Jim and I then the year I’d had with the OBGYN. So that was it, we bailed on the hospital plan and took, what felt like, a courageous leap to try for a home birth with Kara and Lauren by our sides.

In our first midwife appointment, Kara had to run a blood and glucose test. Jim and I walked into her office, which looks more like a spa, and we all talked over a cup of pregnancy tea about all the things - our families, health, marriage, work. When it was time for the blood draw Kara had me lay down on her massage table, snuggle a bolster and gently handled my body while she did it. This was a whole different experience to needles, doctors and care for me.

The level of trust established that day grew after every bi weekly appointment. Kara would take Jim and I for walks around her Noe Valley neighborhood, took me with her to volunteer at a high school biology class where she was teaching the students about birth and overall nurtured Jim and I throughout the pregnancy. We both felt held, loved and cared for by her.

Over the 4 months I soaked up advice from Kara and Lauren on how to best prepare my body, mind and environment for a healthy home birth. I knew so many things could trigger a transfer to the hospital but I was going to do everything I could to avoid that.

Physically I went on a regime of supplements like iron, collagen, magnesium and probiotics to prevent things like Group B Strep and anemia. Lauren got me to protect my pelvic floor by shifting my workouts from running and cycling to walking and yoga. After 35 weeks I focused on getting my uterus (pregnancy tea), hip alignment (Chiropractor) and pelvic floor (Pelvic PT) ready for birth.

Mentally I focused on creating a status quo that was pretty zen so I could easily slip into meditation when labor started. I used Racheal Yellen’s birth preparation meditation throughout my pregnancy. I also started doing therapy right after my miscarriage and stuck with it through pregnancy. Toward the end, Jim and I did a few sessions with Julian Redwood, to shore up our relationship.

Vibes wise, I made sure our home felt like a sanctuary. I lit candles and incense and had the diffuser going all the time, filling the house with calm.

Week 37 Probably the most important thing I did, on Kara’s recommendation, was bailed on work at 37 weeks. I ended up with a full 4 weeks off spent doing all the things I love: long walks, jumping in the ocean, art museums, epsom salt baths, face masks, seeing friends and generally doing everything with my best friend and dog - Bruce. While I did a lot on my time off, I also started the big wind down. I stopped letting other people in our house, practiced my “labor and birth rehearsal” meditation and napped.

Week 40 When 40 weeks arrived, without Angus, Kara re-assured me not to worry, very gently swept my membranes and sent me to UCSF for a non stress test.

Jim started paternity leave giving us time to indulge in our morning ritual of taking Bruce to Sightglass coffee and chatting with the neighbors. He joined me on my walks in the Headlands, Golden Gate Park and Lands End. We did a beach day and went to brunch at new spots. It was the perfect connection time for us and left my very pregnant self feeling beautiful, loved and looked after.

That Friday night Jim and I went to our favorite wine bar, Penny Roma. My best friend, LB, came by with her husband and my favorite 2 year old to drop off a bag of hand me down baby clothes and ended up hanging out with us for a while. It was the perfect impromptu Friday night. LB, always the optimist, said she thought I’d go into labor the next day. I was looking BIG.

Week 41 (8 days after my due date) 8am The next day I woke up feeling generally crampy which had been happening on and off for weeks, usually dissipating after an hour or so. Instead of getting up and going for my normal 3-6 mile walk I opted to stay in bed for a while to see if just chilling for a change may bring on labor. I read my Judy Chicago biography, listened to Nick Drake’s Saturday Sun and passed away the gray morning. By noon nothing had changed.

12pm One of the things I visualized about my birth was being in early labor while on a Bernal Heights walk. So I figured I should do that. I intuitively knew I needed to be alone, just with my dog Bruce. While I’ve done that walk a million times this was different. I noticed myself in a meditative space - with one hand on my belly, closing my eyes and just letting Bruce pull me along. When I got home, Jim said I’d been out for ages.

4pm Given the combo of my cramps that hadn’t gone away all day, my unusual walk and some sharp back pains when Angus moved a lot - we decided to give Kara a call to check in. “Is this early labor?” I asked. “We won’t know until baby comes” Kara said. Kara told me to take a shower which would either ease sensations or bring on labor.

5pm By the time I dried off the cramps were gone. Assuming this was a false alarm, we ordered Indian food. I went back to reading my book as Jim left on his bike to pick up dinner. He was gone less than 5 minutes before, out of nowhere, I had my first surge which shot me out of bed. I called him to come home. We gave Lauren a ring. Jim told her I couldn’t talk during a surge but once it was over I was fine - a sign that I had a while to go. So Jim went back out to grab our dinner.

6pm While Jim was gone the surges picked up and I wanted to get settled. My friend Jess told me the yoga ball helped so I jumped on mine with my forehead and hands pressed against the wall. When Jim walked back through the door I grabbed him by the arm and pulled my head hard against his stomach, squeezing his hand tightly. I was caught off guard by the pace (2-4 minutes apart), and desperate for a moment ofrelief.

7pm Most of the sensation I was feeling was at my sacrum. The serges were already lasting a minute. I remembered Lauren told me to keep moving during early labor so I was all over the place, trying different positions. I needed my sweatshirt off, I needed a heat pack, I needed a fan on my face, I needed a pillow, no I needed a bolster, I needed water, I needed to eat something, I needed to spit out the food in my mouth, I needed to side lie, or stand, or a blanket, no not a blanket, I needed to be on all fours...What never changed was the need for Jim’s hands on my low back every surge. It gave me a sense of safety - that he was right there with me.

8pm Everything had happened so quickly that my energy was frantic so we moved to the shower where I got on my hands and knees. After every surge I’d let go and hang my body over the bathtub. It wasn’t an ideal position but the hot water helped calm my nerves. Jim called Lauren and she listened to my vocalizations which was the first time I realized I was doing that. I was hoping it sounded far enough along for her to come.

Lauren suggested a couple of inversions to relieve the back pain. I moved to the living room, still in my towel, put my legs on the couch and hands on the floor and tried lifting up mid contraction a few times. And that’s how I made my way to the corner of the couch, on all fours, where I’d stay for the rest of my labor.

Everything about this worked and I got into a rhythm. Each time I felt a surge coming I’d signal to Jim with an “ok” or a “now” and he’d put pressure on my back. I’d take a big clearing breath to start, hum through the surge and move my hips around. I’d end with a big exhale - signaling to Jim it was over, drape my upper body over the armrest and move into deep relaxation.

At some point I puked up a lot of pink watermelon juice and thought, “I’m not going to make it, I need to go to the hospital and get an epidural.” But I didn’t say that out loud and countered my self-talk with “just take this one surge at a time and wait for Lauren”. It seemed like moments later Jim told me Lauren was leaving her house in 30 minutes and then, Lauren will be here in 30 minutes. Those mile markers kept me going.

9:51 pm The next thing I knew Lauren was silently floating through the door. It shifted the energy in the room. I felt a little more safe to let go.

The living room was a dark orange glow now, with just a candle going. Bob Dylan, Nick Cave, the Velvet Underground, Nico, and the National playing in the background. Bruce laying on the floor next to the couch. I remembered my mediation “we are here now, today is the day you've been preparing for, the day you’ll meet your baby”. Lauren behind me quietly, whispering “you’ve got this mama” and “you are safe here”. Jim pressing on my back with every surge and handing me a straw full of water after each. I could do this.

Sometimes the surges would come on top of each other with no break in between. I knew I needed to go toward them, imagining my cervix opening with each one. The one place I was recoiling was in my toes, they’d curl up and Lauren would put her hands on them helping me to relax.

And then, a sudden feeling of needing to poop. I didn’t say anything. There was no way I was going to make it to the toilet anyway. Almost in sync with me Lauren said, “let me know if you need to poop or push”. “Yea I do have to poop!” I said. She suggested a trip to the bathroom and all I said was “can I just poop here!? (on the couch). She was like “Sure!”. Relieved, I let what felt like two poops slide right out. I love Lauren.

Lauren called Kara and put the phone up to me so she could hear me vocalize. It was pure relief when Lauren said Kara was coming. Another mile marker. I could do this.

11:08 pm Kara walked in the door like a ballerina ghost. Her quiet presence gave me the last bit of confidence I needed to take this through the finish line. I remember Kara checking baby’s heartbeat from underneath me and the spot seemed so low. Kara told me Angus was doing great. I remembered I needed to stay calm to keep him calm and that pushed me to relax even more deeply.

During one of the early pushes I felt a huge release and for a moment thought maybe that was the baby. But then was quickly corrected by Lauren - your water broke! More like exploded...all over her! I truly don’t know how my couch survived this all.

And then the surges stopped. A break to catch my breath. It was probably only 5 minutes but it felt like eternity. I relaxed every part of my body. The quiet before pushing.

I knew it as soon as I felt it. A tightening. I remembered everything I'd learned. The breathing from my meditation practice, how to get behind baby and hold my pelvic floor open from PT, and Kara’s instruction to get in a few pushes with each contraction. I remembered to go slow and followed Lauren’s voice “yes Jess, go there”. I knew what she meant - go to where it feels scary. After each push I would completely relax and exhale every bit of fear, every bit of pain I’d felt for the last 5 hours, every bit of anything I was holding onto. I’d sway my hips around just like in yoga, trying to keep my body loose, soft and stretchy.

Bruce, who had been calmly lying next to me the entire labor, walked up around the couch and put his head under my draping hand. Comforting me.

Kara asked me how it felt and all I could think of was “big”. Inside of me. Outside of me. All of it. Otherworldly. Lauren whispered to me “your body was made for this”. With Laura and Kara physically and emotionally behind me and Jim by my side I went for it. I opened to the rumbling. The shaking. The widening. The pelvic gulp. And when I thought things couldn't get more intense, they did. “Oh holy shit, this is too much”. But then on the exhale I’d let that go and with each surge, faced it again. Met it head on.

11:58 pm Bridgette arrived just as softly as Lauren and Kara before her and took her spot behind me. I knew we were close to the finish line. The final mile marker.

Kara told Jim to come behind me to see Angus’ head and told me to reach down and touch him. Alien brains coming out my vagina. I remembered again my meditation “feel for baby’s head and think. my baby is here!” I used that to energize me. I remembered Kara and Lauren’s coaching to let the head crown and go back so that blood could flow and the tissue could stretch. So I focused on just pushing enough for Angus to progress down rather than out. I relaxed into it, setting an intention to move at the pace my body was telling me to - ignoring the part of my brain that wanted to get it over with. There were moments of pushing where I felt I was going to cross an edge that might be the dreaded ‘ring of fire’ and I was scared for what that would feel like. But then his head was coming out and I just held it. Like the biggest poop of all time hanging out my vag. I relaxed and realized I had the power to hang out there. My back was dripping sweat. My forehead was dripping sweat. My legs were shaking. My arms were exhausted. My hips were dying. This was mile 23 of a marathon - when you tell your body to shut up and no matter how bad it hurts you smile because you know you're going to make it. This was day 10 of Vipassana when you discover your brain can separate from the sensations in your body. When you realize how powerful you are.

12:32 am I could feel Angus’ shoulder stuck and Kara’s reach to help. “Wait!” I said, scared it was really going to hurt. I needed to gather myself for this, “Ok” I said and gave it one more push as she helped him turn his body.

And then the biggest release of my entire life. He was out. I remember hearing him cry and thinking “he’s alive!” Holy fuck. For fucks sake. Jesus christ. Omg. I did it. We did it. I looked at Jim and told him I loved him. The gratitude I had for everyone in the room at that moment was one of the biggest things I’ve ever felt. Immense. It took over every part of me. And then I looked down and Angus was in my arms. Just like that. I was on my couch, in the corner I always sit in with my favorite blanket covering my shaking legs. Jim and Bruce hanging over my shoulder, tears in Jim’s eyes, smiling. And Angus in my ears. Skin to skin. I couldn’t believe it. The next thing I knew Lauren was feeding me scrambled eggs on toast which I desperately needed.

12:45 am Kara sat on the couch with me and gently looked between my legs, “your Placentia is right there, it’s ready to come out” and then almost immediately, one last contraction and another massive pressure release. “Oh! that feels better”.

Now the part I was so nervous about...how much damage was done? Kara, with her cute headlight on (it was still only candle light otherwise) checked for tearing, looked at me and smiled. No tears. YES! Mission accomplished! No stitches (remember my fear of needles).

We all hung out in the living room for a bit chatting and filling the room with warm cozy love energy. Then they got me to the bedroom and Kara helped me take a shower which felt incredible. Jim and I crawled into bed while Kara and Bridgett did a once over on Angus to make sure he was healthy and ready to rock. I couldn’t believe his weight 8ibs 7ounces. Chonky!

3:00 am ish And before I knew it, Angus was on Jim’s chest, skin on skin, and the four of us (Bruce included) were off to bed for our first night together.

I love my home birth story.

I wanted to work with a midwife because I wanted my birth to feel like a personal experience, and that I was fully present for it. That I was engaged in it all along the way and that it was attended to by someone who knew me, cared for me, and who I felt safe with when I was at my most vulnerable. I also loved the holistic nature of midwife care. Knowing that I’d see my midwife consistently before and after the birth and that those visits were not just about checking progress, but about building a relationship. That’s my jam.

Every reason why I wanted a homebirth panned out 1000%.

I remember reading Ina May Gaskin’s Guide to Childbirth while I was pregnant. Mostly, I read the birth stories. I gobbled those up. It was wonderful to read story after story about births that happened mostly without medical intervention to normalize the idea that birth is a natural thing – bodies can handle them. MY body can handle it. It takes different shapes and can include so many feelings. Not just pain, teeth-gritting and agonized cries.

Things got intense at 8:30 on a Tuesday night. My birth team was my mom and sister, and they showed up around then. I remember having my first contractions alone in my apartment. I was texting with a friend of mine who’d delivered 5 weeks earlier and asking her – how did she cope with this?! Her labor lasted 16 hours and I remember thinking “I don’t know if I can do this for 16 hours.” The feeling of a contraction was unlike anything I’d ever felt. A tumultuous brewing contained inside my body. What a trip.

Labor ended up lasting 36 hours, through Tuesday night, all day Wednesday and until morning on Thursday. I’m so glad I didn’t know how long it would be when it began. And I’m glad I lost all concept of the passage of time sometime late Tuesday night. I simply clocked that it was light at some times and dark at others, but gave no thought to how long it had been. Labor was entirely consuming. Strange, new, intense feelings occurred in the deepest place inside me, and finding ways to move through those was my only job.

But I wasn’t alone. My mom and sister were at my side the whole time, and of course Kara, who guided me through all the intensity with calmness and trust. These amazing women never let me move through a contraction alone. They watched and responded to my cues. I just had to extend my fingers and I felt one of their hands slide into mine to help me through each contraction. They took turns napping. They believed in me and kept telling me I was doing it. They were incredible. I don’t think there is a greater gift I could ever receive than the love and support I received from them in that process.

My labor was unpredictable, surprising, and, in the end, kind. It didn’t ramp up to the pushing like we were all expecting. It surged and then subsided, allowing me a couple precious hours of sleep on that second night, which gave me strength to push when the time came.

I had heard people talk about needing to “get out of the way” of their body so it can do what it knows how to do. I liked the idea that my body knew how to do this, but I found that I had to give my mind a job too. And it ended up being sort of a coach or a cheerleader. My body was going through the process of giving birth, and my mind was supporting it. It was really hard! I knew that I had be strong enough to hold this space so that my body could do a very hard thing that it had never done before. Each contraction was painful and all-consuming and I used mantras like “This is hard and new. You’ve never done this before so it’s strange, but it’s not wrong. You can do this.” It occurred to me partway through that process that….I think this is sort of like parenting. Creating a container for your kid to do hard things that they’ve never done before. Creating space for robust and healthy struggle. Wanting to DO something to make it easier but knowing you can’t. It just has to happen how it happens.

Kara had come earlier in the day on Wednesday to give me some herbs to help with nausea, and then returned to stay about 9pm Wednesday night. Overnight on Wednesday into Thursday morning, I managed to get some sleep. Labor slowed a little, and Kara suggested I try to rest. When I got up, I got in the shower, and Kara said I could check my own progress – reach in and see what I could feel, how much cervix there was left. “Ummmm,” I said, “Can you walk me through that?” Midwife care, amirite? I don’t imagine this would have happened in a hospital.

I reached in and felt my daughter’s head. I felt her hair. And her head turned when I touched it. I pulled my hand out like I had touched something hot. I was shocked. Kara said, “What did you feel?” I said, “A HEAD!” She said, “what else?” I said, “HAIR! And it MOVED!”

When I got out of the shower Kara asked if she could check me herself and when she did, she told me, “You have no cervix, my dear.”
“What does that mean?” I said.
“That means it’s time to have a baby” she replied.

She called Bridgette Barnato to come assist, and when she got there, we got to pushing. I didn’t have that experience of an irresistible need to push. It meant that at that point, I had to sort of work up contractions to help me push that baby out. Lots of nipple stimulation and herbs, and some castor oil. Pushing was hard! There were moments in the middle where I thought I might crack apart. And there were moments when I stopped pushing to try to get a moment of respite, but that feeling didn’t let up and I knew the only way out was through. I was pushing on my bed, and my mom and sister were watching. I could tell from watching their faces that they were seeing something miraculous happening, and it helped motivate me. And then Kara encouraged me to reach down and feel my baby’s head, the top of which was already born, emerging from me. I reached down and felt the top of her head, which I had previously felt when it was still inside me. “Push her into your hand,” Kara said, and I did. I found some insane reservoir of strength and determination, and I pushed so hard, and felt her come out more, into my hand as I cradled the top of her head.

After more pushing, her head and shoulders were born and Kara said I could reach down and get my baby. I held her slippery body as I pushed the rest of her out into my hands, pulling her right up onto my chest.

I have no words for this feeling. It was like some cosmic reunion.

All pain disappeared as soon as that baby was out. What a wild feeling. And as I laid there looking into her face, I just cried. Hearing her cry for the first time was like her announcing her own arrival. What a badass. At some point a few minutes after delivering her, I realized I still didn’t know if I’d had a girl or a boy. Kara reminded me I could look to see! Finding out I had a daughter shocked me! We are a family of girls and somehow I figured the scales would balance out and a boy was coming to me. But no – Ramona has continued the tradition and I could not be prouder.

The placenta was born with no problem and I laid there in my bed with this amazing little bundle on my chest, still covered in the residue of her journey.

We made a perfect pot of coffee and I ate a corn cherry scone from Arizmendi. The. Best.

The days that followed brought lots of tears – awe and gratitude – and lots of visits from Kara while we found our footing in the breastfeeding journey. It was rocky at the beginning – I wasn’t producing enough to motivate Ramona to keep sucking. We had to help each other figure it out. And Kara just kept coming back and helping us figure out a plan. She made sure we felt secure that things were moving in the right direction.

My insides felt like a Picasso painting for the days after giving birth – nothing was where it was supposed to be – and I was so ginger with it. I remember the triumph of making it out of my apartment to the front patio for a cup of coffee in the sun about 4 days later. It felt like such a victory! My mom stayed with me in my tiny apartment for 9 days after Ramona’s birth and made me meals, helped with feeding, and let me just stay in bed and recover. I feel so lucky. She cared for me so I could care for my new baby.

The whole experience felt so deeply human, and I am so grateful it all got to happen this way.

COVID-19 hit 3 weeks before my son Asa was born, at home. We were ordered to “shelter in place” the first day of my maternity leave, and the following Monday my older son’s preschool shuttered its doors. I had delivered my first son, Zev, 3 years before in a hospital, and I was seeking a different kind of prenatal and delivery care experience. With my first birth, I had felt like a cog in the Kaiser system: I was asked to dictate my member ID number each time I called in the fragile oneness of pregnancy, I started afresh with my personal story each time I saw a new prenatal provider. I wanted to know and be known by my provider. I wanted them to recognize how social, mental, financial, familial factors influenced my health and wellbeing. I wanted them to be on board with my birth plan, and wanted to be sure that whoever was present for my delivery was as well. I wanted my health to include wellbeing.

Working with Kara was amazing….I felt seen, every time. Our visits were some magical combination of therapy and holistic healthcare. I felt deep confidence in her swift judgement, her expertise. She helped me envision what I would need to feel supported in the hours and days after birth – bowl of fruit and almonds that was never empty and the tears that came with that visualization of sustenance and care. With birth we discussed risk, and safety, the possibility of loss, and the threads that connect each of those. With time, I came to trust her entirely, knowing that birth is a natural occurrence at baseline, but were any danger signs to arise she would move swiftly and with excellence.

I had prepared intensively for birth the first time – completed tens of hours of a birthing prep class with my partner, called on my doula training, done weekly prenatal yoga, visualization, planning. I had delivered my first son with strength and intuition, and the sense of empowerment I felt after pushing him into the world guides the confidence I have in my own capacity to this day.

But in the weeks leading up Asa’s delivery, the world was shrouded in uncertainty and fear. All of the sudden I doubted my ability to deliver safely, successfully. I knew I’d done it once before but convinced myself it was a fluke, that I just got lucky that one time. I was terrified that if we had to transfer to the hospital I might be alone, without my midwife and without my partner. My birth team shifted, as my Mom decided she didn’t feel comfortable flying in those early COVID days to the West Coast. I woke in the middle of the night with panic attacks, uncontrollably crying – a pattern I’d never experienced before. J pleaded with my family not to send me any COVID headlines, for fear of them sending me into a tailspin. I tried to build a cloak around me, constantly reinvesting in the calm I knew I needed to harness, offering myself forgiveness for the anxiety: I read birth stories from Ina May Gaskin, fell asleep to hypnobirthing recordings while lying on the floor of my bedroom, tuned in for virtual yoga to tap into that which is bigger than me, leaned on Kara and Brigette as a source of support.

I started having pre-labor contractions about two weeks before Asa arrived, but like I did with my first birth I continued to carry on with the nesting, the new home-based preschool, walks through the neighborhood. A week before Asa was actually born I was sure I was going into labor – called Kara who told me if I took a shower it would likely slow and if I took a bath it would likely speed up. I took a shower out of fear, not quite ready. Still, I knew there was so much outside my control and as I showed my sister drove through the final snowstorm of the year from Tahoe to San Francisco to take our eldest to her house. As soon as she arrived, my contractions stopped.

A week later, Easter Sunday, I filled my son’s Easter basket and I made a traditional family frittata for brunch. I had contractions that felt closer to the real thing during brunch, the kind that I truly had to breathe through – but they were infrequent and fleeting. I convinced myself it was the prelabor, continuing. I wrote my Dad a birthday card, my cousin a birthday card, realizing that if I didn’t do it then I might not get to it for days if this baby came. I kept a job interview on the calendar for the next day, just in case.

By about 3pm I decided to lie down to watch “Self Made: Inspired by the Life of Madame CJ Walker,” and as the contractions intensified in bed I texted my husband to let him know we should ship Zev off to his friend’s house. Even when Zev left at 5pm, I didn’t quite believe it was happening – I hemmed and hawed that perhaps we sent him off too quickly, that perhaps we should pick him up and all go down to the beach, one last time as a family of 3. We walked two blocks to the mailbox and I handed my husband the cards, bending deep over my belly to make it through a contraction. I remember seeing a couple watching and trying to hide from them – I was still so much in the habit of doing for others, of caring what others think. I had forgotten how embodied childbirth is: How there’s nothing to hide and nowhere to go when in labor because birth becomes you – the experience drops you in deep into your body, if you let it. All the screens you put up to protect or project in your regular life are gone. You are the fullest, purest version of your embodied experience.

We walked the two blocks home and I had another contraction just like the first one. I looked at my partner Shawn with assurance: This is it. This baby is coming. Still, I didn’t know how quickly it would happen.

Over the next couple hours as labor progressed, I went inward to the rawest state. Because it was just my husband and me as the contractions deepened and increased, we created a sphere of opening. I put back on Netflix in the hopes I could distract myself, but quickly realized I was neither focusing on it nor was it contributing to the experience, so I closed the screen. We put on Krishna Das and as my husband scurried about between the upstairs and the downstairs room where we planned to deliver to set up the birth tub, light candles (who in the world knows what he was doing?!), I leaned over the couch to get through each contraction. I remembered the wisdom from my first birth that in between the contractions I could rest, and I leaned wholly into those sweet silent periods. I attempted to eat toast, without much success. Roared and moaned into the contractions, so comfortable in the space of my own home. Screamed at my husband to push on my hips, keep them together. Threw up into the KitchenAid mixer and at that moment Kara and Brigette made their way over. Kara found me on the toilet – I have a blurry memory of seeing her suitcase full of medical supplies, a moment of fear flashing over me, and then the calm that washed over me on her approach. This was a person who knew me, so many sides of me, who had explored loss and grief during our prenatals, who had gotten to know my husband and the way he supports me, who was going to bring rapid and sound judgement to whatever came. And most amazingly, I felt calmed that she was there but I didn’t feel relief: Finally, I had the deep knowing that I could do this.

Took me 10 minutes to make it back to the living room where Kara asked where I wanted to deliver, to which I responded that I wasn’t sure….and she said well: now is the time to decide! Somehow I power walked between contractions down the stairs to the room with the birth tub, Bridgette close behind. I leaned over the edge of the bed on my knees, sure I was about to poop and I looked at Bridgette with fear: “Something is happening!!!” To which Brigette responded: “Yes, something is happening – it’s the baby. Let’s take off your pants.” (Yes I had my pants on, who can say why). I got one leg out of my pants when I felt the unmistakable urge to push – and felt the baby’s head cresting. By that point Kara had made it there with her suitcase, Shawn to push on my hips, and Brigette (or was it Kara?) asked me to stop for a minute, and coached me through what the next push might look like. She told me I was doing a beautiful job, and that with this next push I might try to breathe through the push itself, to exhale with the push. This was so different than the advice I’d gotten the first time I gave birth; a Kaiser midwife had coached me to bear down like I was on a toilet which was incredibly helpful in the moment, and transformative to helping me understand how to push my first baby out with strength and speed. But this time, I was able to harness that force while also softening into it. And the environment supported it: the lights were dimmed. The candles were lit. I had a tribe of partnership and the feminine surrounding me. I reached my hand down to touch my baby’s head and my face opened up into a smile: He was so close. I could bring him in with ease. I pushed once more, slowly, a breath with depth and with length, and with strength – and the rest of his head with his body slipped out. When Asa was handed to me – was it Shawn? Was it Brigette? – I felt such a sense of triumph. I looked at Kara with this child on my upright chest and everything that I felt came pouring out to her: “I’m so proud.” She gave me the most knowing nod. “You’re so good. You did so good.”

In that bubble we created, there was momentarily no COVID. There were no panic attacks. There was no news. We facetimed my parents when Asa took his first cry and they stayed with us virtually, my sister slipped in with her partner - but otherwise there were no other people in the world. There was just this, new life, and the courage and support that it takes to make it such a thing of radical beauty. In the hours that followed, I remember being blown away by the fact that there was just no rush. No rush to breast feed. No rush to cut the cord. No rush to measure anything. I lay there with a wet baby on my damp body, fruit and almonds beside me. As he cried and I cried, my partner and my birth team accompanying us in wonder.

I’m probably not what you would imagine to be “typical” homebirther, but once I embraced this process it wholeheartedly embraced me back- exactly as I am. I first considered having a homebirth for purely practical reasons. I wanted to feel more comfortable and calm during the first 24 hours after delivery. I had my first baby in a hospital, and I found that setting to be really stressful. Yes, I had access to an epidural and my baby and I were safe and cared for, but our recovery room was hot and stuffy. We were not able to sleep in between all of the feedings, vitals checks, infant screening tests, etc. I suffered the full gamut of issues and interventions, but I thought this kind of birth experience was normal and unavoidable. I had no idea that it didn’t have to be this way. I didn’t know how much prenatal and postpartum care mattered. I didn’t know just how good birth could be. In the end, what started out as a practical decision led me to a surprising place: deep spiritual growth and healing.

My first birth and postpartum experience was disempowering and traumatic. I struggled with infertility and PCOS. At 34 weeks pregnant, my husband and I moved across the country from Brooklyn to the Bay Area. I said goodbye to a life I really loved- my friends, my family, my job… and tried to start over. I had gestational diabetes, an induction at 37 weeks due to hypertension, an episiotomy and 3rd degree vaginal tearing, and I was unable to breastfeed my son. High blood pressure sent me back to the ER at 5 days postpartum, and my son continued to lose weight rapidly. I was told by my pediatrician to “triple feed”- breastfeed, bottle feed, and pump- which left absolutely no time for self-care. My baby cried constantly for three months straight. My anxiety was crushing. I didn’t feel like I could trust my instincts as a mother. I developed postpartum depression, which wasn’t fully resolved until two years later when I finally sought out SSRI medication and therapy. I kept wondering, “Isn’t there a better way? Does it really have to be this way?”

Thankfully, I fully recovered and was thrilled to become pregnant again. I was determined to do things very differently this time, and I worked with a birth coach and doula, Cassie Schemper, to fully prepare myself, both physically and emotionally, for bringing my second child into the world. As I worked through my hopes and fears around this birth and postpartum experience, I felt increasingly certain that homebirth was the right decision.

When I first met Kara on zoom, I knew she was the one for me. She listened to my whole story with compassion and empathy, and she supported all of my choices- even the ones that probably weren’t “typical” for a homebirther. She supported me through the deeply personal (and not easy!) decisions to remain on SSRI medication throughout my pregnancy, to prioritize sleep and self care, and to bottle feed instead of chestfeed. Kara was genuinely interested in getting to know me. She showed me extraordinary care and love- before, during, and after my birth. Kara believed in me, she believed in my goals, and she was invested in my well-being.

On a beautiful Friday evening in September, my bag of waters opened. Labor progressed extremely quickly, but I was not afraid. I knew I was in the best hands- my husband, my doula, a close friend- and I trusted my body to do this work. I felt ready, and I felt safe. I settled on my hands and knees at the foot of my bed. The work was hard, but I was glad to be doing it. I visualized my cervix opening as I rode each wave, and soon I felt the overwhelming urge to push. I was in awe of the power of these sensations, and I was amazed with my ability to embrace them instead of fighting against them. Kara arrived at 7:00, and baby Charlie was born into her capable hands ten minutes later. My labor was about 90 minutes from start to finish.

The next few moments are a blur. It’s almost impossible to describe- shock, ecstasy, elation, deep pride, badass feminine power and a primal, almost animalistic love for my baby. My doula described my birth as a “shooting star,” and it certainly felt that way to me. I felt closer to God than I ever have before. I felt like my truest self- infinitely powerful, lovable, capable of love. I think about these moments every single day.

Charlie needed extra support to breathe, and Kara skillfully and calmly resuscitated him, right there in my arms. It was amazing to see Kara jump into action as a true medical professional. Her years of experience and expertise were evident, and Charlie quickly came around, turning pink and breathing well. There was never a moment when I feared for my safety or Charlie’s safety.

They always say that the real magic of homebirth starts after the baby is born, and it’s true! Over the next few days and weeks, Kara and Brigette supported me through the ups and downs of the postpartum period. They were available by phone or text 24 hours a day. They cared for me holistically, attending to both my physical and mental health. It’s pretty special when you can text your provider about anything- bleeding, pooping, anxiety… you name it- and get a quick and reassuring response!

I’m so grateful for this experience. Charlie and I are happy and healthy. Though I’m probably not a “typical” homebirther, my experience working with Kara has shown me that homebirth is for anyone and everyone who wants an empowering, personalized, and safe birth experience filled with joy and love. It’s that simple!

My baby’s birth story culminated with our beautiful son coming into the world at home (in a birthing tub in our living room, no less) on May 31, 2020 at 2:36 in the morning. He weighed 8 lbs. 10 oz. and was 21 1/2 inches long. Big guy and big day!

He is my second child, but my first baby born at home. Everything leading up to my home birth is a bit more challenging to put into words than i had anticipated, but i’ll give it a shot. I am a nurse and I had my daughter 4 years ago at the hospital where I work and comparing the two births reveals pretty dramatic differences, though both produced the most gorgeous squishy little babies of my dreams.

The labor and delivery of my little girl, 4 years ago, was by no means a traumatizing experience, but there were some not-so-great moments and it did surprise me how many times through the years i went back over the details of it in my mind, wondering when exactly it went off track and how it could have been different. My prenatal care was a mess; I never saw the same provider twice. My husband and I found an excellent Doula to come be with us as a guide for labor/delivery, to help make it a connected and empowering event, but as labor dragged on I felt myself losing focus. My inner struggle of wanting to advocate for myself versus wanting to please those around me and be compliant (most likely because of the fact that I’m a nurse and I didn’t want to be perceived as difficult) tainted my decision making big-time. I eventually was induced because I wasn’t progressing as quickly as they wanted me to and they convinced me that i had become an infection risk. The pitossin made my contractions go bonkers and made getting into a good rhythm again very difficult. The nurse made me get out of the birthing tub over and over, poking and squeezing my contracting belly and eventually just told me that I couldn’t go back in because of an “equipment malfunction” and this was especially disappointing because I felt the most comfortable laboring in the water. Our Doula tried to advocate for me, but I felt like I couldn’t fully connect with her or myself because of all the nonstop distractions. It was a long labor with a fair amount of hiccups (even more than I’ll bother going into), but eventually I had my daughter and that was the most important thing. Flash forward a few years and I’m pregnant again. Had a few curveballs thrown into the mix in the interim period, mainly three herniated discs in my lumbar spine and back surgery, so I was approaching my labor and delivery with concerns around all that and sort of putting my personal hopes for a more in-tune birthing experience on the back burner. I was referred to a fabulous OB/GYN, who specializes in high-risk deliveries, and I did the bulk of my prenatal care with her. I was on that train and just chugging along until a global pandemic hit the world and stopped me in my tracks at 7 months pregnant. I started running scenarios in my mind on repeat: hospitals being maxed out on capacity, laboring with a mask on surrounded by strangers, my husband and/or chosen people not being with me, being separated from my baby, my baby being exposed to virus, repeats from my last birthing experience, etc. If my last delivery had left me feeling somewhat disconnected and disempowered, I could only imagine how it could be this time around and i really didn’t want that. I lost a lot of sleep and became really motivated to change my birth plan.

My exposure to homebirth was limited at best, but I was always drawn to it. Despite my career as a western healthcare practitioner, i’ve always put a lot of stock in homeopathic and Eastern healthcare approaches. A huge part of my career path has centered around my passion for end of life care and connecting to the power that comes from immersing yourself fully into those sacred spaces where life and death are happening. The more I started thinking about the upcoming birth of our baby and my priorities, the more I desired to have him at home where i could be calm and free to just let things unfold as they would. Herniating another disk and excruciating back pain during delivery was a very real concern that we had to keep in mind, but ultimately my husband and i made the decision to roll the dice and risk it, knowing that we could just get in the car and go to the hospital if things turned dire. I consulted a treasured friend of mine, who’s been a midwife in Germany for the past 20 years, and her words of encouragement really helped me believe that this was not only something that I could do despite my physical limitations, but something that would be an experience that would enrich our lives forever.

Next I reached out to a friend, who i knew had done a home birth locally, and I got Kara’s information from her. What a providential day that was! I adored Kara from moment one and felt the most incredible sense of relief and peace after signing on for home birth with her (and the incomparable Brigette). I was already 32 weeks at that time, so unfortunately I didn’t get the pleasure of doing much prenatal care with her, but we just enjoyed the heck out of every minute we did spend together preparing. Kara is warm and funny and knows her stuff.

Labor started with a HUGE gush as my water broke in the early morning hours of May 30th. My contractions became regular (about 6-7 minutes apart) for a few hours, but then kinda fizzled and became irregular as the sun came up and my daughter woke up. I texted with Kara and Brigette throughout the day, took walks, laid with the dog, and just did stuff around the house while labor was up and down. Kara reassured me that this was all very normal and that it wasn’t unusual for women with toddlers to have their contractions go irregular during the day; she correctly prophesied that they would pick up again that evening when my daughter went down... which is exactly what happened. I found myself wanting to be alone a lot throughout the day as I kind of went inward and prepared for the event ahead. I got in the bath and did my birth visualization meditation a couple times (i started doing that regularly a couple weeks before my due date, super helpful!) and i listened to music and just reveled in being able to be in my little haven with nothing to do, except let my body prepare and unfold. Once it became clear that my contractions were undeniably regular and getting closer and closer together, we reached out to Kara and Brigette to start preparing to come (contractions were about 5 mins apart). Kara and Brigitte arrived around midnight, just as I started barfing from the intensity of the contractions. One of the hallmarks of my labor were the most intense shooting, throbbing pains down the front of my thighs during surges. absolutely breathtaking, debilitating pain. man! My delivery dream team of my husband (JR), Kara and Brigette helped me move into the birthing tub and that was definitely where I wanted to be. I then spent the bulk of the time on my knees, with my head in JR’s lap, trying my best to deal with the nearly unbearable pain in my thighs with each contraction. I was using the Bradley method to breathe, throughout the day and evening, but as transition hit and pushing commenced, it became abundantly clear to me that I had to just let go if I were going to find it in me to move this kid out. I found that once I gave in and fully stopped giving a fuck, I was able to dig into a deep power reserve that helped me move him through.... a seemingly insurmountable feat at the time. I remember looking at everybody prior to this and pleading “i just don’t think he’s gonna fit, you guys!” But soon his head was out and the cord, which was double looped around his little neck, was effortlessly and calmly unlooped by Kara. One or two last pushes and soon he was in my arms.

It’s very hard to put into words the emotion that came in that moment. I really don’t think I actually can. I was not surprised by the difficulty of the delivery, but the enormity of the power of the experience is inexplicable. I felt so incredibly thankful and just impressed by my body and what it had accomplished. So transformative, so precious, the most incredible moment of my existence.... Oftentimes, I’ll look at my little Gus and be transported back to that magical day. I’m so thankful to Kara and Brigette for supporting me and my husband during our baby’s birth at home.

MARTY: A BIRTH STORY, PART 1

Marty’s birth story really begins with my first positive pregnancy test back in February of 2010. My experiences with Harper, and then Leo, from pregnancy through labor, delivery and recovery have all built on each other, so that it feels like one continuous, evolving story, rather than three separate stories. Halfway through writing this, I realized that it should really be in two parts: the back story, and the birth itself.

When I first became pregnant with Harper I debated over which doctors to use and where to give birth. I really liked the idea of working with women, and had a friend who recommended a midwife group not too far from where we were living in Utah. So I went ahead with them and loved my experience. I delivered in a hospital, with an epidural and pitocin. Everything went smoothly. I watched The Office and napped until it was time to push, and then 30 minutes later she was born. Easy. I had no real desire to ever have a baby unmedicated, let alone at home. But I really connected with these women and knew I would use midwives again.

When we moved to Brazil we knew we would likely be having a baby during the time we lived there. When I got pregnant with Leo I quickly realized that duplicating the experience I had with Harper wasn’t going to be so easy. Midwives are like unicorns there and C-sections are the norm {read the full saga here}. So I dove into reading and research and found myself in love with the idea of a natural home birth {more on that here}. While we didn’t end up having a homebirth with Leo, we found a doctor and a hospital covered by our insurance -that we liked- and I had him unmedicated. I really loved that experience and just like that became a natural birth convert.

Fast forward to April of 2014. We’d been living in San Francisco for a year, had finally weaned 20-month-old Leo off nursing, and were expecting again! Having a different insurance plan for all three pregnancies, I started at square one again. For the first half of my pregnancy I just went through my insurance to a doctor I had found. At my second appointment I was asked if I was planning on getting my tubes tied after this baby, and at the next two I was told to be careful, because I had gained eight pounds (rather than the recommended four) two months in a row. I felt like she wasn’t even getting to know me - just the chart in front of her. I hated leaving each appointment feeling defensive and bothered! I was ready to never go back. Now, just for the record, we have great insurance, and I have loved a lot of things about it. And I could have easily changed doctors and found someone I really gelled with. But the seed of home birth had been planted back in Brazil and I walked out of my 20-week appointment without scheduling the next one. As I walked down the sidewalk to my car I texted McKay: "Home birth, home birth! Tired of docs, ready to meet some midwives!"

I know some husbands are freaked out by the idea of a home birth, but McKay was on board from the beginning. In fact, for him the question wasn't whether to give birth at home or at the hospital, but whether to have the home birth assisted or unassisted. I won out on that one, so we went about finding a midwife. After doing some googling and chatting with a couple women who had delivered at home, I had a list of Bay Area midwives. I sat down one afternoon during nap time and looked through some bios, pictures and websites and emailed a handful of my favorite-sounding names on the list. I interviewed four midwives (all awesome) and picked my favorite two for my birth dream team: Kara- my primary midwife and Michelle- who would come assist on the day of the birth. Right away I was so excited about having a home birth. I legitimately looked forward to my prenatal appointments, which were in the comfort of my own home. Kara spent time just getting to know me and McKay and the kids - who were often totally nuts at the appointments (the kids, not McKay) - and she quickly felt like an old, trusted friend. I never felt like my parenting was under scrutiny. I learned so much more than I ever had from my previous pregnancies. I monitored my own blood sugar at home and learned how my body processes different amounts of sugar, rather than doing the sugary drink lab test. I successfully tested negative for GBS after being positive with the other two kids (probiotics and raw garlic, FTW!)! It really was fantastic. I would have recommended a home birth to anyone at that point just based on the prenatal experience. And we hadn’t even gotten to the real magic yet!

MARTY: A BIRTH STORY, PART 2

My due date for Marty was January 16th. Harper was born 12 days early and really set my expectation for all my babies being that early, or earlier! Leo was only 5 days early and as Marty’s due date got closer I found myself getting more grumpy and antsy. I told myself I was just going to be patient and chill this time around (I had felt pretty annoyed when Leo wasn’t as early as I was planning) but I totally wasn’t. Once I got my Christmas decorations put away and the last few little things checked off my nesting list, I started feeling impatient. I felt like a jerk complaining, especially because several good friends of mine had gone well past their due dates in the previous months. But… that last stretch of pregnancy is brutal and I was definitely feeling it! Exhausted, uncomfortable, impatient, heavy, achy…

A few weeks before he was born, I started feeling like things were brewing. Most evenings I would have some contractions here and there, but nothing productive. I went on countless walks up and down the hills in our neighborhood in the cool dark evenings. Each night I would think that maybe this was the night, but the next morning I’d wake up, still pregnant. It did help me keep the house in great shape as I would get everything in order before bed, just in case!

Finally, on Monday the 12th I started feeling different. My contractions had the familiar edge of labor to them that I had been waiting for. McKay and I got the kids to bed and settled down with snacks and TV. I did little things around the house, hoping to move things along, but was disappointed as the clock neared midnight and everything had died down. Exhausted and bothered, I went to bed. The next morning McKay reminded me that my previous two labors had both started in the middle of the night. “Your body is probably over-tired,” he suggested. He encouraged me to get to bed early rather than stay up super late trying to bring on labor. Wise words. That night I went to bed around 9. I wasn’t feeling the cranky impatience of the previous days and I just sort of knew that the baby was on its way.

At 1:48am I woke up to what I thought was my water breaking. I heaved myself out of bed for the bathroom and felt like I peed a river in the dozen steps it took to get there. No doubt about it! I snagged a towel and awkwardly stuffed it between my legs as I hobbled back to my room, dragging another towel along the floor with my feet as I went, because I hate wet floors. I woke McKay up, who had fallen asleep on the couch watching TV. “My water just broke!” I announced, proudly. He jumped up and we inflated the little bathtub I had gotten to use during labor. I took a shower. We texted Kara to put her on alert. We got some snacks and turned on Jim Gaffigan. But then we got really sleepy and went back to bed for a bit. I didn’t sleep, but I timed my contractions which were about 6-7 minutes apart at that point. Every now and then they would get a bit painful, but nothing serious.

Around 6:30am Harper and Leo got up and bounded into our room, as usual. We told them the exciting news that today would be the day! Harper had called it the night before and was quite proud of herself. We quickly got them dressed and gave them bags of peanut butter puffs to eat in the car while McKay drove them over to our good friends’ place for the day. While he was out I filled up the tub and turned on some Ella Fitzgerald. Side note: the little tub we got fit nicely inside our long shower, but I had discovered during a few test-runs that when it was full of water it lay flush against the shower drain and made it impossible for any water to get down. It didn’t take long to fill up the shallow little shower and overflow all over the bathroom floor. So, we had the idea to stick some PVC pipes underneath the little tub to create a bit of space for the water to drain. I hadn’t gotten to that little errand yet, so on his way back from dropping the kids off he stopped by the hardware store down the street. I felt like he was taking forever, but was happy to see him back with pipes in hand! With the tub functioning properly, and McKay back home, I was ready to get this labor going.

Kara checked in with me a little before 9, at which point my contractions were getting stronger, but were still anywhere from 3-12 minutes apart. She suggested going for a walk, if I felt up for it, which would likely get things moving. So McKay and I set out for a stroll in our neighborhood. During that 30-minute walk I recorded about 15 contractions, most of which I had to stop and give my attention to. I had definitely moved into active labor. As soon as we got home I went back to my candle-lit, steamy bathtub sanctuary. We let Kara know that things were picking up and she and Michelle arrived around 10:30. From my memories of my labor with Leo (which may or may not have been perfectly accurate after 2.5 years), I was feeling like we should be getting closer to the end. I asked Kara to check me, which I really had no intention of even doing, because it’s one of my least favorite parts of the whole process, and midwives are rad and let you make your own rules. But, labor has a way of wearing you down… and I wanted some context. When she said I was at about a 6 (not the 9 I was crossing my fingers for) I had to kind of rally myself and mentally prepare for more. This labor was definitely feeling harder than my labor with Leo (which, interestingly, I had dreamed would be the case several weeks earlier. Also, in hindsight, I think it was more painful because my water broke first with Marty and stayed intact all the way until the end with Leo. Maybe?).

Michelle and Kara came with a whole bag of tricks for getting through labor. One of my favorites was the rebozo- a long strip of fabric that they tied around my belly to offer more support. I took quite a few contractions leaning on Michelle, rebozo tied around my belly and McKay and Kara pushing in on my hips from either side. Love me some counter pressure.

For the next little bit I changed things up and tried to get comfortable as I headed into transition. I laid on the bed, rearranged pillows, wrapped up in blankets, took off all my clothes…

Kara cranked the heat to offer Marty a nice warm environment to be born into but I got super hot so we turned it back down. Then I got back in the bath. A big contraction rolled in as I was on all-fours with nice hot water from the shower pouring on me. “McKay, NOW! I need pressure!” I ordered. Not missing a beat, but a little caught off guard, he hopped into the shower fully clothed and tried to get a good angle on me. Not good enough. Out of the bath and back to the bed. Things were really cooking along and I didn’t have much time between contractions to relax. I was in that zone where I couldn’t really think anymore. I remember Kara asking me something; I think a question about if something was helping or was comfortable, but all I could say was “I don’t know.”

The last hour or two was me on my bed, burying my face in some pillows with each contraction while McKay (still in wet clothes) and Kara pushed on my hips and back and cheered me on (and Michelle snapped some priceless photos of the whole thing). I think I did a pretty good job directing them as to what I needed them to do (for example: “harder, McKay. MORE!”). It’s kind of weird, as I think back on it, I remember feeling both like my brain was in a different place (as mentioned above) yet also like I was totally present and aware of each minute. The moments of rest that we did have between contractions we chatted and joked and my team made me feel like a rock star.

Soon enough, it was time for me to start pushing. This time around, the pushing phase was also much different than it was with Leo. The urge to bear down and push came on more gradually, and I felt like I had more control. With Leo, it totally caught me by surprise and slammed into me. I literally yelled out “URGE TO PUSH!” and about 10 crazy minutes later he was born. I felt so out of control with Leo- like I had been caught in a really strong undertow which resulted in him rocketing out and me tearing a lot- that I was really hoping I could feel a bit more conscious and in control with Marty. And I really was. It was really intense and hard, but it only lasted about 30 minutes. I remember thinking in between each push that we were almost there, and it couldn’t be much longer. I also remember thinking how I couldn’t imagine pushing for hours and hours like some people do. Still can’t imagine that.

As he descended more I was able to reach inside and feel his head, which I hadn’t done with my other two. I was surprised at how soft and squishy it felt! I almost didn’t believe it was touching him. A few contractions later, as his head was coming through that delightful “ring of fire” they told me to stop and wait a minute. I got my wish to feel more in control, but man! That memory is burned - literally - into my brain. As his head finally emerged Kara noticed that his cord was wrapped around his neck a couple times so that had slowed him down a bit on the descent. She was perfectly calm and walked me through when to push and when to slow down as she did a bit of fancy somersaulting to unwind him as he came out. Unfettered by his cord, the rest of his body slipped out and I felt that rush of relief that comes with having that tiny human out of your body! The time was 1:13 pm (or, even cooler, 13:13).

I turned over to my back as McKay and I both saw that we had a baby boy. We immediately lifted him to my chest and basked in the relief and excitement of having him here!

He had big lips and a decent amount of dark hair. He didn’t take long to pink up and start breathing. He must have cried, but my memories of those first few minutes and hours together are ones of total calm and peace. We were snuggled up in our own bed together. Marty was perfect and healthy and BIG. I delivered the placenta shortly after, while Michelle gave me little herbs under my tongue to help with the whole post-birth process. Kara and Michelle went about tidying things up while we just enjoyed our baby. They brought us some leftover mac and cheese and ginger beer from the fridge. After a couple hours of just being, I was helped up and to the bathroom. My organs felt like they had taken a beating from all that counter pressure I was yelling for! I got cleaned up, we took off the top throw-away sheet and drop cloth from the bed and had our nice clean sheets waiting for us underneath. I had a tiny tear and got a few stitches as we chatted and joked together (the jokes happened after the Lidocaine kicked in). One of our best friends arrived with her camera and took some beautiful pictures. Marty’s newborn exam was sweet and gentle. It’s honestly one of my favorite memories of that day. He was so alert and calm for it. I think the pictures tell the story best.

Around 4ish, with everything in order and stable, we got hugs and kisses from Kara as she quietly left and said she’d see us again tomorrow. The kids came back home around 5 and our friends brought us burgers for dinner. It was such a joy introducing the kids to their new brother, getting some fun pictures together and then putting everyone to bed in their own beds and sleeping all night with no interruptions. No 2am monitoring. No uncomfortable hospital bed. No waiting for the go-ahead to go home. My mom arrived the next day and took over the cooking, cleaning and grandmothering.

I’ve said it before, but I think the real magic of a home birth begins the second the baby is out of your body. Being at home with McKay in our own bed and getting five in-home postpartum visits was incredible. Having not only the physical check-ins to make sure my body was adjusting properly, but also the emotional support was huge. I truly looked forward to having Kara come by and check up on us and tell me how incredible I was and how beautiful Marty was (who wouldn’t like that?!). I always felt empowered and loved at each visit. It felt like I had discovered a fantastic little secret that I wanted to tell everyone about. It was kind of a sad day when we had our last visit. Building a trusting relationship throughout my prenatal care, and then going through something so intimate and personal was a really binding experience. And of course, I can’t say enough good about McKay’s invaluable support and love during this whole process. I’m a big fan of my people.

Now, over three months later, I still love thinking and talking about Marty’s birth. My healing was the best of all three births. My memories of the pain have dimmed a bit - no doubt nature’s way of perpetuating the human race - and I love that we had the experience we were hoping for. I’m really grateful that my body worked for me. I know there are plenty of people who do everything right and things end up going wrong, or differently than planned. Giving birth is such an emotional and personal process, and there can be so much pressure and guilt from society to do things a certain way, or have a certain type of birth experience. After having done it three times in three very different ways, I’m a believer that there are lots of right ways to have a baby. I just feel so thankful that I’ve been blessed with three healthy children and three happy birth experiences.

Marty Kenneth Thomas // Jan. 14, 2015 // 13:13 // 9 lbs. 10 oz. // 20.5 inches

Born at home in San Francisco

When I found out I was pregnant again I knew right away, without a doubt, that I wanted a home birth this time.

I started looking for midwives in and around San Francisco. It didn’t take a long for me to find Kara. As soon as I saw her picture and read her story, I knew she was the one. I was so excited about our first meeting. Kara genuinely took her time to listen. She encouraged and empowered me from a place I have not seen in too many people before. Her whole being radiates peace and delight. Being with her didn’t make me feel just like another pregnant woman or another client of hers. She was genuinely intentional about the way she spent time with us, giving me space to be who I was and to feel what I felt. I knew I made the right choice with her.

It was 2 am in the morning when my contractions started. They were strong from the beginning but remained spaced apart. I took a bath trying to relax but felt like this wasn’t the place for me. As the contractions got more intense, I woke up my husband telling him to get the birth pool ready and contact Kara. I wanted to only focus on my body and birthing our baby out. I borrowed one of Ina May’s midwifery books from Kara and was reminded of how mammals birth out their babies. They move a lot and let their bodies carry them, and I was ready to do the same. I was on my knees in the living room and envisioned myself being like a whale in an endless ocean and started moving my hips from one side to the other. I allowed myself to release whatever sound the depth of my soul needed to release. I felt this really helped me and the baby. It didn’t take more than 3-4 contractions for me to feel the urge to push. I went to the bathroom instinctively, sat on the toilet and pushed. My husband told me that Kara was already on the way since the contractions came pretty quick and strong. There was no time to blow up the pool and let the water in. I wanted to tell my baby to wait until Kara and Brigette were here but I knew this was the time.

I released the same deep sounds from within me as I did with the birth of our first child. This time I really allowed myself to be present and let go of everything. It was around 6am when my first born woke up and watched me sitting on the toilet and giving birth to her sister.

I pushed and my husband saw the baby crowning. With the next push our baby girl got flushed out and landed in my husband’s arms. It was a sacred moment that we experienced as a family of four. Kara and Brigette joined us a couple minutes after I delivered the placenta and took care of me and the baby.

Without Kara, I would have never felt as empowered, fearless and strong as I did. I know now that there is so much strength, grace and power inside of a woman which makes her so beautiful.

What I appreciated most about Kara is that she didn’t try to make decisions for me or push me into making decisions she considered as the right ones. She informed, supported, and allowed me to be me. My experience with Kara as my midwife was far beyond what I could have imagined or asked for. It was as if her way of supporting and empowering me healed me from my past birth experience with my first pregnancy, birth, and postpartum. Her care went beyond my expectations. She did not only take care of my baby but she saw me, too. She cared for my physical, emotional, and spiritual wellbeing as a mother.

She was and still is a gem that I call myself blessed to have found.

Kara is my midwife. This means she cared for me at every stage of the pregnancy and postpartum journey with my two babies (ages 4 weeks & 3 years). The word ‘cared’ doesn’t feel like enough; she loved, supported, considered all of me; my physical health from a clinical perspective and my emotional and spiritual well being and resilience through the journey to and through motherhood.

Lazer, January 2017

Labor began slowly on a Thursday morning, I was 39 weeks with my first. I had been out and about all day feeling an ache in my lower back about every hour. At about 8 pm the aches became more crampy and closer together - it was really happening! My partner started to dash around the house setting things up. There was a giddy feeling - I was excited and put on the special playlist. About an hour into the rhythmic surges the giddiness was gone and my body was working... hard. This was hard work and my mood became far more serious. My support people trickled in through that evening. My sister and her 6 month old came at about 1 am and poured water on my hips. My best girlfriend then came and held me in bed as things got stronger. My cousin emerged just as I needed her strong arms to literally pound on my sacrum for counter pressure to my ‘back labor’. Kara arrived in the early morning and intuitively knew when to join the physical and verbal support with my little harem of doulas, and when to step back and do the important job of waiting and holding space. I yelled, I cried, I laughed, I stomped, I made everyone laugh from my very loud and intentional cries of ‘YAAAASSSS’ with every surge. I labored for about 26 hours and had never felt so much unconditional love. It was Friday evening and the sun was setting. Candles were lit and I moved from the tub to the floor of the living room. The surges changed and the feeling to bear down entered my body. Standing I pushed down and my water broke - just a small pop sound and some fluid. It was a feeling so uncontrollable that my only choice was to go.with.it and work in harmony with what my body was doing all on it’s own. I was on hands and knees as my cousin held my arms and I buried my face in her lap. My partner and Kara were behind me protecting my bottom and ready to catch. This part felt like such a relief after the many (many) hours of laboring. I was going to meet this person I had dreamed of for so long. I pushed for about 40 minutes. Our boy was born into his father's hands and passed through my legs. I leaned back on my partner and we together discovered his sex and announced his name. My mom had sent take out and we all enjoyed a warm meal as the baby and I were examined and cared for. I went to sleep a few hours later with my baby in my arms in the comfort of my own bed feeling so safe and loved.

Ruthie, May 2020

It was about 10 pm and I was 40 weeks with my second babe, about 2.5 months into Shelter in Place due to Covid-19. It was a hard few months of uncertainty for all of us and an especially tender time of unknowns for those pregnant.

I said goodnight and gave a smooch to my partner. I noted that it was an extra special full moon (super flower!) and he should not be surprised if tonight was the night. Mostly as a joke I stepped outside and opened my robe to let the moon light wash over my round naked body. I walked upstairs and got into bed, my surges started within 5 minutes. They were strong from the start and felt different this time around. I was also different this time around and felt such confidence from my first birth. Radiating up from my public bone they came quickly and ended abruptly. I was able to rest and recharge mentally for those few minutes in between. I woke my partner and he started to prepare the house, and I got into a hot bath which is lucky enough to be outside under that full moon. Two girlfriends and Kara, Brigette (apprentice midwife), and another wonderful SF midwife arrived all around 1AM. I sat in the outdoor shower and stood up with every “wave” as I started to visualize myself climbing up a mountain and sliding down a wave. It helped to go there mentally and be reminded of the difficult physical tasks I had faced before like pushing myself up mountains and letting things go while swimming in the ocean. I moved around the backyard for a few hours and felt comforted by the cold air on my hot sweaty body and the loud dull drumming sound of the ocean a few blocks away. I came inside the basement den and started to wonder if I could handle another 20+ hours of this intensity... doubt & fear started to creep in. I told Kara I was scared and I couldn’t do this forever. She held me and kissed my arm and told me the baby would come soon after my water breaks and asked if I wanted to check myself. In between surges she guided me through what to feel for. Inside I felt soft and expansive, almost a bubble above my fingers. Cool! It gave me confidence and an indication that everything was working as it should. Shortly after with a little pop my water broke and that familiar uncontrollable urge to push started. I was again in hands and knees on the floor with everyone supporting different limbs and parts of me. I pushed for about 20 minutes. Dad caught again and we met our girl. I was somewhat in shock by how fast it all went, roughly 5 hours - she was here! Big brother woke up about 15 minutes later, and he was excited to put on gloves and poke the placenta. I ate an orange as I explored her fresh new face and body comfortably in our bed.

During Ruthie’s birth I was able to forget about the chaos & fear outside and online that had saturated all other parts of our lives. She was born into such a peaceful, cozy, and safe space. I am forever grateful for the care and attention of Kara’s love-infused maternal care.

Two days before my due date I woke up at 10:30pm with contractions I couldn’t sleep through, I thought that this was labor but wasn’t sure. I had been having contractions that would just peeter out most evenings for a couple weeks and had had a similar pattern with my first labor. This time however, my husband, Tal, was confident and I felt more relaxed about the ambiguity. For about four hours or so I was awake but resting, listening to self-hypnosis recordings and breathing/moving through contractions.

Around 2am I woke up Tal to set up the labor space. We had salt lamps for lighting, my belly cast and the vision board that I had made for a supported, powerful labor hung above the altar. The altar had objects that connected me to ancestors, earth, and body. Once the space was set, my labor really slowed down. I went back to sleep, waking up every 45 minutes or so for a contraction.

In the morning my toddler, Koa, woke me early and the contractions came back every 4-7 minutes in no real pattern. When Koa nursed they got more intense and it was hard to sit still. Tal called Kara to let her know I was having contractions and we called our nanny and my mom. Once Koa was off with the nanny and my mom had his go bag, I felt a lot of relief.

My mom did acupressure points to stimulate labor and then I asked her to go around 10:30am. Once we were alone this very sweet space between Tal and I opened up that felt like a daytime date. We went for a walk in the neighborhood, stopping during contractions, it started to sink in that this was labor. When we got home, I felt altered and got silly, we sang along to Death Cab for Cutie. I had some intense contractions on the toilet and we crossed a line into labor land/ journey space.

I was feeling high and playful, contractions felt manageable. I hid a gnome for Tal to find and chased him with a feather. We were laughing and taking pictures, I was enjoying just us and hesitant around having anyone else come. At 11:30am, I called my doula Meaghan to let her know I was in labor.

Then things started amping up, I was feeling really high and I asked Tal to text Kara to tell her. She was about 40 minutes away with her apprentice Bridget, they started driving. We asked Meaghan to come, too. I let Tal know that the playful part was over, we shifted the music and lit the candle on the altar.

I was on the birthing ball and set my intention for the birth to stay open and present with whatever happened and to stay connected. I said a prayer for everyone to make it through healthy and easefully. I spent some time in the shower with the water on my low back, Tal and I had our groove with him supporting me.

Things got more intense and I was on all fours on the bed in the livingroom breathing and working through the contractions when the midwife team arrived around 12:30pm. As soon as Kara walked in the door, I started sobbing with relief. Kara came over and took my hand, I was emotional and grateful, I said “you came” and knew I was going to be ok. Kara held my thumbs with this pressure and I felt this deep sense of presence and safety.

Shortly after that, I needed something to be different. Kara suggested lying on my side and was saying “soften, soften”. The softening felt good but I needed to be upright. We found a position with me on the birthing ball leaning on a pile of pillows. I told Kara I needed to check in, she told me she could see my surges were strong and I was going to have a baby today. I said I knew she couldn’t tell me but I wanted to know how long this was going to take. She also let me know that Michelle the second midwife was 5 minutes away and that they had done a doppler and baby’s heartbeat sounded good.

Then Meaghan arrived, I reached out my hand to her and told her I was glad she was here, welcoming her in felt really heart-opening. Meaghan did some counter pressure which left Tal free to do eye contact and just be present with me. Then I said, “is it crazy that I want to go outside right now?” There was a collective “no not crazy.” Tal helped me get dressed and we went outside with Meaghan to the area behind our apartment building with some redwood trees and flowers. I was surprised by how well I was walking and how coherent I was between contractions. I hung on Tal with contractions and the fresh air felt amazing.

Back in the livingroom with the smell of the ginger chicken soup cooking in kitchen and the salt lamps glowing, Brigette did a doppler check on the baby and then she and Kara went into Koa’s room. I was laboring for a bit and then someone suggested getting in the shower, as I was walking to the shower, Kara peaked at me and I told her I felt super drunk, she said it was the oxytocin.

Meghan suggested essential oils and Tal rubbed lavender on my back while I was in the shower. The intensity increased again and I started saying I don't want to do this anymore. Meghan was telling me I could do it, giving me things to focus on. I turned to Tal and asked him if it was ok that I don’t want to do this anymore and he told me “yep, it's totally good, it's fine that you don’t want to do it.” Once the not-wanting-it was allowed, it kept moving. I asked to try a bath and we started filling the tub but then I decided I wanted Kara to check me.

I came out of the bathroom, being wet and cold felt good. Kara checked me lying on my side and told me I had a two centimeter lip all around, telling me I was 8 cm dilated without using those words; she also said she was feeling the top of the head. I was relieved, my first birth I had stalled at 8cm for many hours and my son was face presentation. I jumped up and was standing in front of Tal who was sitting on the bed, leaning on his thighs during contractions as I squatted and looked into his eyes.

Tal started making some sounds with me, Meghan kept trying to get me to do lower tones but I was screaming and didn’t feel like I had control over the sound. My hand went down and I felt inside and heard myself say “I feel a head,” a minute later Michele walked in the front door. I

realised the baby was coming and said “I need help.” Our plan had been for me to catch the baby myself but I was standing and leaning on Tal and knew I couldn’t.

Kara and Brigette moved in closer. Tal screamed with me through the contraction, which felt like an earthquake that opened me up from belly all the way down into the earth. I heard these sounds coming out of me that didn't’ sound like my voice, sometimes a hissing snake-like sound. The sensation of her crowning was so intense I made a conscious choice to relax and open with it. Kara was trying to support my perineum.

Then the baby’s head came out and burst the bag of waters, spraying Brigette. I waited for the next contraction as they were still 2-3 minutes apart. I heard the baby take a breath and felt a huge relief that spread through the room. The next big earthquake contraction Tal and I did a big uncontrolled primal scream together again and the body came out fast, Brigette caught the falling baby quickly. I stood up and brought the baby to my chest. I was crying and saying “Oh my baby,” Tal helped me down to lie on the bed. I got the baby positioned on my chest and we baby gazed.

The midwives prompted Tal to look and see the sex, he was confused about what he was seeing but they assured him it was a girl, just swollen. The placenta delivered easily with a little push. We did some skin to skin and she latched easily. I got to cut the cord with Brigette’s help. Our little girl was born at 3:36pm.

For me, the choice to have a home birth was a given. I have been around the birthing world as a holistic health practitioner, prenatal/postpartum/labor support person and doula for over 20 years. I have attended many types of births in many places and although all births are amazing and beautiful, I’ve always known that home birth was what was right for me. Luckily, my husband, and the father of both of my children is the oldest of 7 children, all born at home so he didn’t need much education or convincing.

My first pregnancy and birth were attended by Ami and Michelle. I found Ami and Nancy at Rites of Passage and immediately fell in love with them and their approach. It is both a blessing and a curse to be well educated in the processes of prenatal, birth and postpartum experiences. I simultaneously knew what I was in for and what options were available to me but I also knew I would be over analyzing literally every bit of data. I needed people around me who knew their shit, straight up, and were also in love with the process of birth. I needed qualified professionals that really cared about me and most importantly, respected my knowledge and had complete trust in my abilities.

My first birth was textbook awesome. I was one of the smaller percentage of women that had my water break before any contractions. I was 41 weeks and after being at least 4cm dilated for a couple days and 70% effaced, I went to bed on September 11th and gush, my water broke all over my bed. Luckily, the plastic sheet was on. I called to tell Ami that the fluid was clear and I was going straight to sleep. Many women find it hard because they’re so excited. I knew from experience that it can happen soon, or not at all soon so I wanted to get as much rest as possible. Somehow, I slept like a baby and woke to no contractions or anything at all really. BP was fine but I knew the clock was ticking. I decided to hike the Baker Beach stairs(3 times!) and get some electro-acupuncture at 4pm. During acupuncture I felt a real contraction! I concentrated and held onto it and asked for it to be big and complete and to do the work. I had two more big ones on the way home, drank some miso soup and told my husband to time my contractions. I labored for awhile in the birthing tub which was so nice and things were getting intense. I thought it might be time to call the midwife and doula. I asked Chris how far apart my contractions were. He said, “You’re having contractions?” I was like, “Yeah! You can’t tell!” Apparently I had been silent for over an hour and a half. It was about 7pm at this point. I said, “OK, I will raise my hand when they start and lower it when they stop.” After about 30 minutes he said, “They’re about 2.5-3 minutes and about 45 seconds to a minute long.” “What?! CALL THE MIDWIFE!” Everyone arrived in plenty of time. Ami showed up around 9pm and my contractions slowed for about 20 minutes. I am absolutely one of those people that does not like to be observed. I need to go inward and find my strength. There was one moment when the intensity of the surges began to mimic pain. In that moment I saw two paths; If I walked one way in my mind’s eye I would experience pain and fear, and if I walked the other, I could step out of my own way and ride the wave. I could experience freedom. I saw my choices as clear as walking down a forest trail and I went with freedom. My contractions came back and this time I felt the urge to push. She checked me and said to go ahead with whatever I felt was right. I pushed for 30 minutes and Chris caught our 8lb12oz daughter. She came into this world with her eyes open looking at me and my husband in turn, eyes wide open and ready for everything.

Fast forward 7 years. We decided to have another baby. I had recently worked with Kara as a doula for one of my own clients. I loved Kara’s energy and confidence and, to be completely honest, I appreciated her patient stitching technique. I’ve seen a lot of postpartum perineum situations and it is very important to me personally to have someone at the other end of the thread with a steady hand, a lot of practice and a respect for your postpartum vagina. I’m nothing if not practical:). This is one of the most important things about modern home birth midwives in my opinion. You get continuity of care. They will see you several times after you have your baby. They care about your postpartum body and literally check their work later if stitches or other after care are required.

This pregnancy I turned 40. I was older, wiser, and a bit more tired. My little girl this time also decided she was more comfortable in breech position from 28 weeks on. I knew she needed to turn. I knew what it meant if I went past a certain point with a breech baby and I knew the longer I went, the harder it would be. I also knew she was a big baby. Bigger than my last. I was pretty stressed. I really wanted to have a home birth. I also knew that the one doctor who used to perform breech deliveries in SF had passed away. My options were limited. Kara helped me sort through my feelings and my options; options I wasn’t aware of that seemed, if not ideal, doable. I did absolutely every possible thing I knew to do to help turn that baby. My hands were peeling from doing handstands in the public pool. I’m sure people thought I was insane, this huge pregnant lady doing handstands for 30 min everyday. My knees were peeling from crawling around on all fours and doing inversions. My house smelled like a Chinese herb dispensary from the amount of moxa I was using. Chiropractic adjustments, Gyrotonic, massages, herbs, playing music to my crotch, warm packs, cold packs, you name it, I did it. I was somewhat obsessively checking her position. Also, her head was pushing against my aorta/vena cava so I couldn’t drive or sit in certain positions or I’d pass out. It was really frustrating. I finally decided to take a break. Kara asked me to come in every other day for gentle belly massage. I was scheduled to get a version in a couple days and was somewhat resigned. Finally, finally I did a very intense moxa session and Kara gave me a very gentle belly massage. She only touched me for a few minutes and I didn’t really feel the baby move but I suddenly didn’t feel her head pushing hard like usual. We both checked and thought cautiously that she finally went vertex! Her head was high though, so we went for a brisk walk to nudge her down into my pelvis. I immediately went to get an ultrasound and confirmed she was head down…YAY! I was almost 38 weeks at this point and I was so excited I would get my home birth. I was so ready! And then…I waited…and waited. I found I was so much less patient this time around. There was a once in a decade heat wave and I pretty much spent my time in my underwear or in a cold bath. I was getting a bit concerned because I was getting bigger every day. I was also getting tired. Finally I got to 40 weeks and a whole lot of nothing. She was also quite high which is normal for a second time but I just wanted something.To. Change. Kara checked me and I was 1.5cm. She gave a little membrane sweep. A few more days passed. Nothing. Finally I got to 41 weeks. I was feeling so done. She gave another sweep and said she could stretch me to 4cm. The next day nothing. The waiting was getting to me. Finally, we decided I could nudge my body a bit with a little castor oil shake. I started in the morning so I had the most energy. Nothing happed. Not even a bowel movement. My husband took our older daughter on a fun last outing while I had some rest time. 3 hours later I took another dose. Still no active sensation although my belly was really tight and it stayed tight for the next 6 hours. In retrospect, I now know that general abdominal tightening was one long contraction that helped me almost completely efface. My husband, being the psychic genius he is brought me my favorite pregnancy craving; fried chicken from Farmhouse Kitchen. I ate it and felt so tired so I got into the bath. My husband was putting my daughter to bed at 8:30 and as I lay down after my bath gush, just like with my first birth! I called for my husband and of course my daughter came in too. I said, “Help me clean up and get her to sleep!” I texted Kara, who had already had Brigette come hang out with her and they were basically waiting outside my house(I found out later). By the time Chris came back in about 9pm, I was like, “Oh-kayyyy, I’m having some intense sensastions.” I started contracting and for some unknown reason I still kind of didn’t totally believe I was in labor so we were all going back and forth about when they should come. Of course everyone knew I was about to have this baby except me, so they were just waiting for me to say come over. Finally the surges were getting intense and Kara and Brigette were there pretty much immediately. This birth was incredibly intense compared to the first. It really felt like a freight train was speeding out of my body. I was making lots of noise. I dropped a few f-bombs. I got in the shower, out of the shower, on the bed, in the tub, out of the tub, leaned on dressers. Finally at midnight, I was making enough, what sounded to me like “cow noises” my eldest came into the room. She promptly chided me for using the “f” word and informed me that I owed her $5. I really wanted to have the baby in the tub and I really wanted to catch her myself this time. The sensations were getting really big and Kara asked me to do an inversion. I knew what that meant because I have asked women to do the same. She thought maybe this little girl who moves around a lot and spent a lot of time breech might be doing something funny and possibly changed position. In my mind I thought, “oh no! She’s gone posterior!” I had a tiny freak out and told Kara I couldn’t hold an inversion through 10 contractions! She said, “Let's just do one and I will hold you up.” I did one and took a rest. I guess it did the trick. I got in the tub about 12:00am. At 12:09 I had a huge contraction and urge to push. I felt her head but I couldn’t for long because the sensation was so big I literally had to hold on to the edge of the tub or I thought I would fall over. Kara moved in front of me, sensing that I couldn’t catch her myself and one more big sensation and out she came into Kara’s arms! All long black curly headed 9lbs 6 oz of her! I can’t believe that beautiful, giant baby came out of me with 2 big pushes! Michelle was there to help with this baby too. This baby was not as alert as my first. In the haze of those first post birth moments, I truly realized how incredible these midwives are. I knew she was a little limper than she should be. Michelle seamlessly rubbed her little chest and got her animated really quick without so much as a flinch. I've attended so many births so I’m attuned to the silent language that these women have between them that makes the home birth experience so calm. If you don't know it, it's easy to miss. Home birth midwives are equal parts compassionate and bad-ass birthing ninjas. Shortly after sitting on the birthing stool to pass the placenta, I moved to the bed shortly after and she got right on the boob like she’d been doing it forever. And, Kara didn’t need to stitch me up after all…

Our journey to Kara and The Root began when I was about 8 weeks pregnant. My husband and I had discussed having a home birth and explored various options around SF. As soon as we met Kara we knew that she was the person we wanted to lead us through our home birth adventure; her experience, sincerity, humor, and compassion were values we immediately picked up on and appreciated throughout our journey. I was fortunate to have a smooth and largely uneventful pregnancy. Even though I was low-risk and healthy, I knew there was a chance that something before, during, or after the birth would cause me and/or the baby to need to go to the hospital and I tried to tell myself that it would all work out as it was meant to. Deep down, though, I was scared to be in the sterile, unfamiliar, and medication-centric culture of the hospital; scared to feel out of control and at the mercy of strangers. An unexpected and intense lower back pain caused me to go to the maternity ward in my third trimester to rule out something serious and while it was good to counter the negative image I had created about the hospital it also solidified my desire to be in the comfort of my home when the time came. As my due date approached, it brought up so many mixed emotions of excitement and apprehension. After a week of maternity leave spent around the house “just in case something happens” I decided to go visit family in Davis. It was on the drive back home that I started early labor and plunged into the most exciting night/day of my life. My contractions got progressively stronger through the night and my husband called our birthing team (comprised of our Moms, Kara, and Bridgette) in the early morning hours. My contractions were strong but remained spaced apart and I remember thinking “this must still be early on; I wonder if I’ll be able to handle it when it’s close to delivery time and even more intense?” It turns out that I was closer than I thought and soon found my body pushing. I had been told that my body would know what to do during this process but to experience it was so bizarre – it felt like some other person was pulling the strings and I was stuck with the pain. Kara was right there with me to provide the necessary encouragement and support when I hit the “I can’t do this” moment of labor. There, at the foot of my bed, I delivered my son into my husband’s and Kara’s waiting arms and heard his voice for the first time. I remember laying back on my bed with this amazing miracle on my chest, feeling nothing but the radiating love of my family around me; there has never been anything in my life that felt like that. Even though the “birth” had occurred, the process of transitioning to motherhood had just begun. I continued to benefit from Kara’s wisdom through my physical healing, newborn baby issues, and Mastitis/lactation concerns. Going to our final visit at The Root felt both sad and like we had somehow graduated to the next phase of parenthood. I could not have created a better birth team or birth experience; I feel awed and grateful to have had the opportunity to introduce my son to the world in the way that I did. It sounds cliché, but this experience was an amazing journey which revealed to me my inner strength and my great capacity to love.

After a night of being fully engrossed in labor and having my eyes closed throughout much of the process, I knew the second that Kara and Brigette came through our apartment door. I had made the hallway and the bathroom my new home while laboring. My partner, Peter, and our doula, Cherie Lockwood, were already with me – providing all sorts of comfort measures, like massaging my shoulders with a wet cloth, fanning me, applying pressure to my lower back, giving me words of encouragement – as Kara and Brigette into the living room and unpacked their gear.

I trusted both Kara and Brigette completely since our first appointment when I was nearly 36 weeks pregnant. Now, here in my home, she checked in with me and shared that she was going to see how far my cervix had dilated. She then told me that I was as thin as an earlobe (at least that’s what I remember her saying!) and that I was doing great work. Her affirmation felt magical. I remember how she encouraged me to come into the living room, and would suggest different positions at all the right times, and offered guidance on how to use my breath when pushing. It was unlike anything else I’d experience – being in my home, the morning sunlight starting to brighten the place, fully immersed in the sensations of my contractions and the heaviness of pushing, holding tight to my partner’s hand, and feeling the expertise and extraordinary care of our birth team right here: Kara, Brigette, Cherie, and now Michelle Wellborn who had joined and was to be my son’s midwife. During this time, Kara asked if I could go pee and I hobbled over to the bathroom with Brigette and tried but found myself not able to do so with all the pressure. Kara then suggested trying a catheter and I was like, “Yes, let’s try that!” In my memory, that happened so seamlessly and I continued pushing and breathing.

At some point, we all went into the bedroom and I don’t remember when exactly but it was in our bedroom that I recall pushing and feeling my water break, and tiny streams coming down my legs. I then moved to a birth stool that Kara brought, and it felt immediately comfortable (compared to the relative pressure everywhere!). Peter sat behind me and I would nuzzle hard into his neck or the side of his face with each push. I kept hearing my name, and what great & amazing work I was doing. I really felt like I was somewhere else and yet, simultaneously, so present within myself. Someone drew our curtains closed so the bedroom became like a dark den, and I felt instantly safe and close to everyone.

Our doula Cherie found a stack of affirmations I had written for myself, on the back of envelopes, about the birthing process and started selecting certain ones for Kara to read aloud. The effect of this was otherworldly for me since I had been reading those affirmations almost every night for a couple of weeks. I could hear Kara reading and knew exactly the next words she’d say. It was so familiar, at such an unfamiliar time. I then found the handles under the birth stool (and loved the fact that no one told me about those, but instead I was allowed to discover them!) and used those to push harder and tried to find chances for my body to somehow relax and regain strength for the next time I pushed or the next contraction I felt.

Then, Kara shared that our baby’s head was emerging and asked if I would like to touch it, and she gently took my hand so that I could feel the top of his head. That touch, that moment, was so powerful. I definitely knew I was pregnant with a baby, but now – for the first time – I could feel his body separate from mine! I then remember Kara asking if I wanted to go onto our bed and I said something like, “I’m good here.” After my next push, Kara – with such love and clarity – said “On the bed now.” Everyone there lifted me up off of the birth stool and onto our bed. I was on my hands and knees, holding my partner’s hands so tightly in front of me, and in several more pushes, I felt my son’s body being born from me. It felt so slippery, and I envisioned my baby as a little seal pup. I heard him cry, and I was instantly relieved, rejuvenated, and somehow unable to move from my hands and knees position too! So many gentle hands guided me to lie on my back in our bed, and my son was placed right on my chest with a blanket over us and Peter was right by my side in the bed with us. It was miraculous and stunning. I had everyone right there, and I was filled with waves of gratitude, love, and awe.

Kara, Brigette, Michelle and Cherie stayed with us all for the next four hours. They gave time for Peter and I to be with our son in our bed. They made us scrambled eggs and earl grey tea, and I heard laughter in our living room. I was able to instantly rest. In the time they were with us, so much care happened: my son’s measurements, blood tests, and shots; Kara checked on tearing and was able to give me a few stitches where I needed it; Brigette attended to Kara and to my placenta; Cherie was already helping clean up and gather laundry that she took and did for us. We felt so enormously cared for.

Really, the postpartum care was out of this world phenomenal. It being such a critical time for baby and mama, I have found myself to be super thankful that we chose Kara and Brigette. Their texts, their time in our home together, their true care and curiosity meant the world to me and was a pivotal force in my physical healing and understanding the emotional waves I was encountering. (Brigette also encapsulated my placenta and I found that to be extremely helpful for me). When breastfeeding was difficult, Kara gave me and Peter a concrete plan of action & coordinated with Cherie the plan. She showered us with hope and encouragement. While so much was going on the first few days after birth, there was also laughter to the point of tears. Such powerful times call upon extraordinary people, and that's who Kara and Brigette are.

Everyone deserves the level of care and compassion that Kara and Brigette give. We are so happy to have found them and I’m always going to cherish the simple, fresh postpartum memories, whether it was Kara bouncing on a yoga ball next to our bed as I asked questions from my bed or when Brigette asked me how I was while I walked to the couch with a HaaKaa pump attached to one breast, and the other one leaking through my shirt, and finding myself laughing with tears in my eyes, surrounded by so much raw love and grace.

Having a home birth was never something I had ever considered. The thought was a bit unrealistic to me, but that slowly changed over the months of my pregnancy. I met people who peaked my curiosity about it. That curiosity lead to me spending hours reading about and researching home births. One day I asked myself "why do I want to go to the hospital if I don’t have to?", and I literally could not answer that questionand neither could my husband. So 30 weeks into my pregnancy we decided to have a home birth. 

Then the search for the perfect midwife started. We met several amazing, warm, and well qualified midwives. Which made deciding difficult. But when we met Kara, we knew she was the one; and that proved to be true in every sense. Kara, together with Brigette, were without-a-doubt the most amazing women to have by my side during my pregnancy, birth and postpartum. They are just the most warm-hearted, caring people with the best sense of humor. 
 My labour started around 6 am on the 8 of February. I woke up with menstrual cramps but those were not unusual, since I had experienced them on/off the weeks leading up to this day. But after an hour I noticed a rhythm, there were 10 to 15 minutes between each cramp. It got me kind of excited because I was thinking “this is it, everything that I have prepared for and read about, now it’s my turn”. 
 I spent the whole day by myself, going back and forth from the bed to the bathtub. The surges were not too intense during the day, and I actually preferred being by myself. Around 5pm the surges started to get more intense, at which point, I told my husband, Philippe, I needed him next to me. He joined me, and along with supporting me, he also started timing my surges and staying in contact with Kara and our doula Vanessa.   Later on in the evening, Vanessa was the first to come over. She came into the bathroom, while I was sitting on the toilet holding my arms around Philippe, and she said one sentence that I needed to hear; “You are in very active labour Nanna”. That comment gave me a boost of power, knowing that everything was progressing perfectly. Around 11pm Kara and Brigette came to our house. I was so happy and relieved to know they were with us too, because I then knew I was in the best hands and meeting our baby was getting closer. 
 Many events of that night are very blurred to me, but I clearly remember when my water released; that was quite an experience. There was so much water Philippe, who was laying behind me in the bed, and I, were soaked from chest to toe. It was as if we were laying on a giant water balloon that finally bursted, completely soaking most of our bodies. So much so, Philippe had to hop in for a quick shower to rinse off. That's not an experience we'll soon forget. Once my water released Kara said to me “you will now feel a lot more pressure” and I sure did! It then required all of my mental power to work through the surges.   I focused on the sounds that I was making. I learned from my yoga classes with Britt Fohrman, the way we use our sounds can either help the birth along or do the opposite. Together with that I kept imagining my pelvic being super wide, so wide that my baby could just slide right out, and that really worked for me. I started to get the urge to push, which was the highlight of my labor. It felt so relieving to give in and just push with all my strength. I was sitting on a birth stool, Brigette and Kara on the floor in front of me and Philippe sitting behind me on the bed, so I could lean into him. That is the moment when I felt the most strong and powerful. I pushed for 1,5 hour and around 5am on the 9th of February our baby was in our arms. 

Deciding on a name for our baby was the absolute most difficult decision we had ever faced together, until the perfect name came up; Kylan, an old norse name, from my viking roots with the meaning “son of the Goddess Kara”. BINGO! That’s the name for our little Haitian viking. Thank you for being you Kara!  

Monday September 26th I was feeling surges, small ones throughout the day that picked up towards the evening. The first presidential debate was on and we had picked up some pizza and bell peppers at Bennett’s request. I had seen Kara earlier that day and felt like sometime this week we were going to have a baby, but what I didn’t realize was that it would be sooner rather than later.

Around 12:30 AM I woke up from the surges as my body was telling me we were going to have a baby. We debated how long we could wait until we called my parents to have them come get Bennett. After about another hour, Paul felt like we should call as my surges were getting closer quite quickly. As Paul and I gathered up everything for Bennett, I thought about welcoming this new life into our family. Soon we’d be a family of four rather than three, a little part of my heart grieved for the family unit we’d lose, but my heart felt an abundance of joy as well knowing my love would grow to welcome this new life, only enriching the love I already had for Paul and for Bennett.

There were a few things to get ready during early labor. I wrote a few thank you cards to our amazing midwife, assisting midwife and photographer. Why you ask? Because these are the people responsible for bringing my daughter safely into this world. They are taking part in the most intimate, emotional moments of life. While it is just a thank you, it symbolizes all I have appreciated and loved about these women who will witness and support my little girl coming into this word. I love that she will be welcomed in by strong, amazing women whom I look up to.

I attempted to organize some snacks for everyone, although by this point I was stopping and breathing through the surges, so my organization resulted in more disorganization. I took out Delphine’s birthday cake, a simple yogurt cake, just like I had for Bennett when he was born. For me having these little items ready makes me feel like I have things in place, like I have some control over a very physical experience.

Paul called my Dad to have him come and get Bennett so he could have his special time with Yaya and Papa. We debated having him stay for the birth, but I knew that I would need the mental, physical, and heart space to focus on bringing our new addition into our family. Paul set up the birth tub and the bed. It was slightly more complicated this time as at our last apartment we had the strange fortune of a garden hose spigot as our bathtub spout, thus allowing an easy hose attachment. Paul was incredibly calm and organized and worked hard to figure out how to connect the hose and start filling it up. A little part of me wondered if I was going to have a tub, but my handy husband made sure I had what I needed—what a guy!

Around 3:30 I really wanted to get in the tub, so we called Kara. I labored on a physio ball while we waited. She came over around 4:30. Labor was picking up and I deeply wanted some relief, which came in a flood of warm water as I sunk thankfully into the tub. Channeling my focus and energy on opening and widening, on bringing my baby into the word I labored with eyes shut and an internal focus. I leveraged my breath and deep noises while laboring on the ball and in the tub, alternating positions, walking around, moving my hips, and trusting my body. We had on 80s music that made me smile. Paul focused on bringing me water and keeping up my strength. I focused on my body and my center, grounding myself in knowing that I was bonded with my daughter, that she and I were working in tandem to meet each other.

Baby girl continued to sound good throughout labor. Every surge I knew was bringing her to me, so I met each surge head on. Welcoming the intensity, knowing the more intense it was the sooner she would be here. At this point, I got out of the tub and continued to labor on for several hours. Because so many people said that second labors go faster, I was becoming impatient and needed a change. Around 7:30, I got into the shower which helped jumpstart my labor again. Paul poured water over my shoulders as I labored in a lunge and breathed deeply again using deep noises and a relaxed face. I really wanted my water to break as it had done so in the shower with Bennett. But not this time, water bag intact, labor surging on.

I moved around a lot this time during all of labor. Walking and lunging and moving my hips to encourage my body to open. Now though things were very strong. The tub looked safe and welcoming, so I got back in around 9 am. Labor was in full gear. Alright, lets do this. Kara stayed close by and Nancy was checking baby’s heart tones. I was focused inward, deeply entrenched in the power and intensity of labor and impending birth. The tub brought a feeling of safety and I wanted to stay in the water. I wanted to have her in this safe place.

My bag was still intact at this point but after several incredibly intense surges it burst flowing into the tub, encouraging my baby to come into the world. With the water came a flurry of soft white flakes, the wonderful layer that covers a baby in the womb. I reached in and was able to feel my baby’s head— a finger in. It seemed by this point my cervix was out of the way, but I wanted Kara to check again. I leaned back and breathed and moaned deeply with the change of position. Moving my body was hard at this point, all my energy focused on wanted to push my baby out. Everything looked good. I felt inside for her head again and felt it turn. Little did we know, but this turn was her shifting around in my pelvis, taking the long 360 degree route to make her way into this world thus prolonging labor. Kara asked if I wanted Paul to get in the tub, I said no. Even before labor began I knew that this birth was one I needed to own all myself.

As I used every muscle in my body to push and move her down, I said in my head, “this is so hard, but this means I am meeting my baby girl.” The baby’s heart tones were hard to find now, we kept checking around. I kept wanting to push, and Kara encouraged me to rest and only push when I felt the urge. Okay I can do that. I just had in my brain two pushes and she’ll be here. It was hard because I had this expectation that it would be easier, faster this time around. I remember I kept looking at the clock on the oven thinking, hey I’ve been pushing for a while, I want to meet my baby now!

Kara wanted me to get up and try getting out of the tub since they were having a bit of trouble finding the baby’s heart tones. I did not want to move. Paul helped me up and I pushed for a few times in a full squat, bearing down on his arms, using all my strength and trusting that he would support me. I knew I would meet my baby soon. It was really hard to move to the floor from the tub, but I did it—my baby and I did it.

In our room, 9:35 am, I went into a runner’s’ lunge. I felt the incredible urge to push, to really move her down. Kara checked me and said she could feel the cord around her neck. I could start to feel her head stretching me out and pushing through, all I could think was this is it, she will be here—my baby!

Weeks before her birth, Kara and I talked about catching her myself. I knew if there was one thing I needed in this birth, it was to be the first thing my baby touched when she came into the world. It was a necessity for me as I wanted to show myself and show her the strength of women and the empowerment of birth. So, I had both my hands there, feeling her head crowning. Kara said you need to hold her head up when she comes, we need to loop the cord off her neck as it is wrapped around twice. I internalized what she said. I beared down and felt her head slip into my hands. Right then, Kara helped me hold it to the side and loop off the cord. As I pushed the rest of her body out — shoulders, hips, she slid fully into my arms. All baby close to me, the first thing she felt were my hands and my body. I was moved beyond words, overcome with emotion. I caught my baby. I held her close. She was in my arms. My precious girl made it.

With an emotionally stressful pregnancy, (bleeding at 12 weeks and a left kidney finding that progressed from hydronephrosis to a cystic kidney), holding my baby girl in my arms was the most amazing feeling. All of the stress and uncertainty slipped away as I looked at her perfect sweet face. I couldn’t be happier to be the mama of this strong girl. Throughout her growth inside me and during her birth she has shown me her own determination in the face of challenges, a quality I know will stay with her for life.

I am so eternally thankful for Kara. Her poise, flexibility, and confidence are contagious. Throughout our journey, she has been there every step of the way. Offering her support and guidance, tissues when needed and smiles when needed. Nothing was short of excellent. I am leaving this pregnancy journey with a friend, a relationship that has grown me as a person and as a mama. I always trust Kara, always felt safe, and always knew she was there. We love you Kara! Thank you for everything.

Around 8:00am on Friday March 30th, 2018, my water bag broke at 38 weeks and 2 days.

Geoffrey and I were home and had just gone to check on laundry and prepare our downstairs suite for our last Airbnb guests before we took a break from hosting for three months due to the upcoming birth of our first child. (Oddly enough, we were always concerned about the timing of these last guests and thought we should have cancelled their reservations months ago because we feared it was maybe just a bit too close to our due date.)

Upon feeling liquid trickle down my leg, I quickly made it to the toilet and told Geoffrey that I thought my water bag had just broken and asked him to grab a test trip that our midwife, Kara, had given me some weeks earlier so I could determine if the liquid was amniotic fluid or urine. Sure enough, I tested it, texted a photo to Kara, and she texted back that it was amniotic fluid. Geoffrey and I went back upstairs and with every movement more fluid would leak out. She called me some minutes later and explained our situation given that labor hadn’t yet started. We made an appointment for her and her apprentice, Brigette, to come to our home later that afternoon.

Shocked and surprised, Geoffrey and I spent the rest of the day in a bit of a panic as we hadn’t planned on an early arrival. Geoffrey called our Airbnb guests and cancelled their reservation, fortunately they were very understanding, as was Airbnb. I quickly tried to wrap up several loose ends at work, given that my last day would now be that day, Friday March 30th, instead of a week later, Friday April 6th, as I had planned, given our due date was Wednesday April 11th. Geoffrey, did the same, notifying his company that he planned to take the following week off. When Kara and Brigette stopped by that afternoon they checked me and the baby and fortunately our vital signs were healthy and normal. Since surges (contractions) still hadn’t started they gave me a series to steps to follow throughout the weekend to try to get labor going, including homeopathics, acupuncture, herbs, breast stimulation, and castor oil (in that order).

Geoffrey and I planned to have a home birth and because of this we had 72 hours (until Monday morning) to be in active labor before we would have to go to the hospital for an induction - after 72 hours with an open water bag, the risk of infection increases.

The plan for the remainder of the day was to rest, eat well, and relax. Geoffrey ran out to do some errands and I tried my best to take it easy, knowing that if labor started the following day I would need my strength and endurance to get through it. We had a quiet dinner at the house and went to bed at a reasonable hour.

We woke on on Saturday with still no signs of labor. Since we figured we might have some time, we decided to run a few more errands and enjoy the afternoon. I advocated for a manicure, pedicure, and car wash knowing that it might be months before I had time to fit these in and I had intended to get to these over the weekend assuming it was just another weekend. Before we left the house that morning I started homeopathics, which consisted of alternately ingesting Caulophyllum and Cimicifuga pellets over the course of two to three hours. I had also scheduled an acupuncture appointment for 1:00pm that afternoon as another method of inducing labor naturally. Geoffrey accompanied me on all of our errands and even worked in a visit to Tone of Music, his favorite audio store in San Francisco (finally putting down a deposit on a pair of coveted rosewood Harbeth 30.1 speakers). When we got home, we had another visit with Kara and Brigette and started the breast stimulation using my breast pump as well as the round of herbs (a combination of Black Cohosh and Cotton Root Bark) for the next three hours. Following these steps, I had surges for two to three hours, but they gradually slowed down throughout the evening. We wrapped the day up with some spicy Thai takeout, trying to do everything we could to get labor going. We attempted to relax and stream some shows on Netflix. The unknowingness of the situation was beginning to challenge me and I became emotional at times, thinking that I would indeed end up being induced in the hospital and that would likely be a more challenging experience and birth.

By Sunday morning, labor still hadn’t taken off and I was coming to terms with what seemed like a hospital birth. We got up and went for a walk, heading down to the Inner Sunset, grabbing coffee from Snowbird, pastries from Arizmendi, and jianbing from Nabe, sitting in the sun at the parklet on 9th Ave, and enjoying a beautiful, sunny Sunday morning. We stopped by the Farmer’s Market for some strawberries before heading back to the house and working in the 162 stairs on Oakhurst Lane that connect Warren Drive to our cul-de-sac. Back at the house, we made a castor oil smoothie as the last and final step to to get labor started. (Castor oil is a natural laxative that can stimulate the uterus and kickstart labor.) Within an hour of ingesting the smoothie, I had thrown it all up. By that point, I was convinced that this baby just wasn’t ready to be born and that the hospital was our next step. Kara and Brigette came back that afternoon and gave me a castor oil massage plus a castor oil and ice cream concoction to ingest. We talked about going to the hospital the next morning and made loose plans for when to meet there. Kara and Brigette left around 3:00pm and just before then the castor oil started emptying my bowels and I began to have a few mild surges. For the next three hours I was making bathroom trips every twenty to thirty minutes, as the castor oil worked through my body, cleaning everything out. Geoffrey ran out of the house around 3:30pm to pick up sandwiches from Bi-Rite Market and I started having more regular surges that were growing in intensity. Before he left, he set me up on a blanket in the sun on our back patio so I could enjoy the weather. After twenty minutes of lying down on the blanket, I got up and moved inside, wanting to be a bit more comfortable on our bed downstairs. Geoffrey returned home and I re-joined him outside, eating bites of turkey sandwich between surges. I made it through half the sandwich before I had to go back inside and focus on getting through the surges. At around 5:00pm Geoffrey started timing my surges and they were averaging about a minute in length and about two minutes apart. As labor had stopped and started throughout the weekend we weren’t sure if these surges were simply going to fade away after an hour or so and we would be back in the same position of waiting for this baby to make his arrival.

Prior to labor and even in the early stages, I wasn’t certain what to expect from the surges in terms of the physical intensity and pain. In retrospect, I realized I was having intense surges for awhile, but I kept thinking that maybe they were going to get worse and that what I was experiencing was minor compared to what was coming. It’s really hard to put a measure on physical pain since everyone has a different threshold and tolerance. In the beginning the surges were similar to bad menstrual cramps and they lasted several seconds. As labor progressed, they became longer and felt similar to a wave of pain coursing through my body and the pain was always worse near the beginning and then gradually faded. I coped by breathing through the intensity. Prior to labor, I had purchased several hypnobirthing tracks by Rachel Yellin and the breathing techniques really helped my get through them. I tried my best to just breathe in and out through my nose and not to yell or scream during the surges, thinking that if I could stick with my breath as long as possible I wouldn’t get distracted by the pain and lose my focus. I also tried to welcome the intensity, by simply repeating “Yes” at each wave of the surge and not fighting the feeling - believe it or not this actually helped!

At around 6:00pm, I believe I transitioned to “Labor Land”, in which women enter a trance-like state and give in to the power of their surges and the birthing experience. I was sitting up on the bed with pillows propped below me and I remember looking to my right and seeing the Monterey Pine trees on our hillside swaying in the sun and thinking how peaceful they looked - I was definitely in a different head space!

Geoffrey stopped timing my contractions around 7:00pm after checking in with Kara. She was most interested to know that things were staying consistent, still thinking everything might slow down a bit as the evening progressed. Around the same time I got into the shower to let the water help take the edge off of the surges. The hot water helped and I gradually made my way onto hands and knees in the shower, with Geoffrey’s yoga mat underneath me for support. By 7:30pm, I decided to get out of the shower as I felt like I needed to lie down and let my legs rest. Before I did, I was actually able to really shower, washing my hair and body. It’s almost as if there was a brief pause before my body was ready to start pushing. I dried off, laid down on the bed, and within seconds another surge started and it was just too painful to be lying down. I ran into the bathroom feeling like I might have another bowel movement, though it felt different than a bowel movement, the pressure wasn’t directed quite towards my anus, it was closer to my vagina. All of sudden, this wave of fear washed over me as I realized that my body was telling me to start pushing. I screamed for Geoffrey and told him, “I think I need to start pushing!”. Geoffrey was startled and dialed Kara immediately. She responded that she was getting in her car and instructed me to get on hands and knees and start taking slow, deep breaths. She told Geoffrey to get the towels and supplies ready and she stayed on the phone as she made her way from her home in the Mission to our home in Forest Knolls. While on the phone she asked me to insert one finger into my vagina and to tell her what I felt. I did and told her that I felt a soft, round bump. Though it didn’t register at the time this was the very top of our son’s head! She then asked how many knuckles deep my finger went in before I felt anything. I told Kara it was about two and half knuckles and though she didn’t say it on the phone she was relieved because she knew she wasn’t going to miss this birth! (Had it been closer to one knuckle deep she would have likely been instructing Geoffrey on how to catch the baby!)

Once I was on my hands and knees, my instinctual response was to scream when the surges started. It wasn’t a decision I made, my body was telling me to scream my baby out of me. The screams were so loud, guttural, and primal. I’m certain I’ve never screamed quite like that in my life. I remained on my hands and knees for several surges and screamed for Geoffrey to put pressure on my hips as I was feeling such intensity in my hips, butt, and thighs that I needed something to counteract that feeling. At some point I stood up and went through at least one or two surges on my feet with Geoffrey facing me and me holding onto his forearms. Standing proved to be too intense for my legs so my next and final position was back on my knees with my elbows resting on the edge of the bed. At some point Kara instructed me to reached underneath me to feel our baby’s head and when I did I was completely overwhelmed and became emotional that he was actually arriving! Up until that point I had felt stretching in my lower labia and perineum, but as Ashby’s head moved down and out of my vagina I started feeling intense stretching and pain at the top of my labia, near my clitoris. I screamed and told everyone that the top of my vagina was in pain and with another surge or two Ashby’s head came out and his body quickly followed. Kara and Geoffrey caught him and handed him to me. I looked down at him and the first thing I noticed was that he was breathing and softly crying. Upon seeing this I felt a huge wave of relief and that set forward a wave of emotion, tears, and happiness. The room was dark but I could see that he was a light reddish, brownish, grey color. I picked him up under his chest, but it was hard to do so because he was so slippery! I looked into his eyes and then saw his penis and scrotum and immediately commented to Geoffrey that he was a boy and that we guessed right! Geoffrey and I looked at each other and then at our son. I pulled him in closer to my chest and continued to inspect him. We could see he had a conehead from the journey out and one of his ears was folded in a funny way. After a few minutes, the midwives moved us into bed so we could lay down for the first time as a family. The midwives started to clean up as we all held each other in bed. Maybe thirty minutes later they removed the placenta which I didn’t even need to push out as it was basically out of me. They tucked it into a ziplock bag and went upstairs to make a sitz bath remedy and give us some time to bond undisturbed.

Geoffrey and I were shocked, amazed, and in complete love with Ashby. We couldn’t stop looking at him and just thinking how perfect and beautiful he was - we couldn’t believe it!

Some time later Kara came back and prepped the umbilical cord so Geoffrey could cut it. Brigette showed us the placenta and the sac that Ashby had been living in along with the placenta. It was really amazing to see everything.

I felt an immense sense of gratitude to Kara and her team that she assembled. What they did for our family and do everyday as midwives is amazing and inspiring. I was beyond happy that we were able to have a homebirth and undergo this experience from the comfort and familiarity of our home. Given the personal and intimate nature of birth, I’ve also been left with an understanding that all women should have the freedom and opportunity to choose how and where to birth.

Giving birth a second time was a journey I feel so grateful to have experienced. It was easy to assume Eliot's homebirth would guarantee something about this one: the general narrative is second time labors are "easier, stronger, faster!" But I tried to approach it with the same mindset I hope to continue while parenting Aidan: his birth journey existed on its own, independent from those before, and worthy of space to be unique.

My water broke early Monday morning, but labor didn't start until Tuesday morning after drinking a castor oil milkshake (which had worked like magic during Eliot's labor). My contractions were still weak, and I realized that with this labor, instead of surrendering to the contractions, I would have to invite and encourage the contractions to grow. My lucid mind was saying "encourage stronger contractions? You've gotta be kidding me..." Haha :)

I saw images of embers that I was coaxing into flames, hoping for a bonfire. I marched up and down stairs, did squats and lunges with resistance bands, and modified yoga inversions all to turn up the heat. Andrew was my beloved birth partner, with me on the journey through each contraction even when I wanted to quit. My midwives and doula were an incredible team witnessing and monitoring my progress. Each contraction grew in intensity, and although I wanted to say "that's enough fire, let's stay at this level!" I knew I had to keep upping the ante to build the momentum. Even during transition (the stage right before pushing), I tapped into my inner momma-bear and roared as loudly as I could, almost as a face off with my own body in a ceremonious declaration that I was ready for this challenge!

My body accepted my call, and with only a couple pushes Aidan was born swiftly into my arms. We chose to name him Aidan, after the Celtic Sun god, inspired by the fire imagery that helped bring him into the world.

I am full of gratitude, for Andrew and my birth team, for all the family that watched Eliot pre and post delivery, and for my body. My body that I have, in the past, wished to change and now feel so blessed to have for the future.

After 41.5 weeks for pregnancy, I finally went into labor (with the unglamorous but very effective help of a castor oil milkshake)! I loved the experience of labor. I know that’s not a commonly expressed sentiment, but with so many narratives in our culture around birth being painful and something women suffer through, I want to share an alternative side to that coin. My mom always told me and my sisters that natural birth made her feel strong and empowered, and it laid a foundation for me to enter labor without fear. My experience was not painful but instead I felt very grounded in my body. Yes, the contractions were intense, but I was with Andrew, our Doula, Midwife, and my mom. I felt safe, loved, and supported and therefore I was able to harness a deep courage during the intense moments and surrender to my body instead of fight it. The next morning, our baby was in my arms and I was in awe, awoken from a trance and feeling like the dream I had experienced that night had followed me back into reality.

The first week of parenting was humbling. Andrew and I have had the classic hilarious moments of spit up and poo explosions at 4am. We also had more trying moments since my milk had been really slow to come in, and sweet Eliot was inconsolable the first week. But more so, we experienced a renewed faith in the goodness of people. I know the current events in our country are filled with hate. In contrast, that week we experienced connection and community - from the moms, most of them complete strangers, who donated 100oz of breastmilk for Eliot, to the friends and family who cooked, cleaned, and managed to make me laugh and lift my spirits. They say raising a child “takes a village.” I now believe most challenges in life takes a village - a community fueled by the kindness of strangers. I hope you each get a chance to experience this sense of community, and the fountain of courage and resilience that is born from it.

On the morning of February 26th we had a team meeting with our midwife Kara and our doula Murial. I was just shy of 37 weeks pregnant, and Kara mentioned that we could have the baby today safely. I spent the day aggressively nesting, making a long list of “things to do before the baby comes” and organizing the house. I kept telling myself, “thank goodness I have at least two more weeks!”

Well, that night I woke up with contractions. I wasn’t sure what was going on…I really wasn’t ready to have this baby. I had only finished client work several days before, and I was really looking forward to having some free time before he arrived.

Yet by the time sunrise rolled around, the contractions came to a complete stop. Then on Friday night, a similar thing happened. A few hours of contractions a few minutes apart, lasting a minute (or more). Then the sun rose, and they faded away. My midwife Kara stopped by on Saturday morning to check baby’s heart tones. She also did a vaginal exam. I was one centimeter dilated and baby was at zero station. The contractions were making progress, but I wasn’t in labor. Just labor-y.

The medical term for my pattern was “irritable uterus,” which is a truly horrible name. She prescribed a glass of wine and a bath before bed to calm everything down so I could sleep. It was important that I sleep so when active labor began I would have enough energy to make it through.

After months of no alcohol, I brought out my favorite wine — a frappato by a female producer from Sicily who makes beautiful biodynamic wines (seriously). If I was going to drink something, it was going to be really good! Thankfully the wine and the bath were enough to calm down both my uterus and my nerves. It was really challenging to go through night after night not knowing if I was in labor, or if I’d wake up the next morning pregnant.Thank goodness, I knew that in max five weeks, he would be out, but five weeks was a long time to wait…

Because I didn’t know when I was going to have the baby, we canceled most of our plans. I told myself I was on my “birth retreat.” And I tried to make the most of it, taking long walks, cooking good food, taking some flower essences, enjoying my nightly baths, and resting as much as possible. And I continued talking to my baby, letting him know that he was welcome whenever he was ready.

I asked my spirit guides what was happening. They told me, “Low and slow, and then we go!” So I believed them, knowing that it might be awhile before the baby came.This pattern lasted about two and a half more weeks, although the contractions stopped for a brief few days when my dad was in town. Thankfully, I was able to get a few nights of good sleep, which really helped my body and my spirit.

The morning of Friday, March 11th, I woke up with a huge amount of wetness in my bed. I texted my midwife that it’s possible my water broke, but I wasn’t sure. She did a test to see if it was amniotic fluid. Nope….I had actually peed myself.

I texted my friend: “When you think your water broke but you just peed your pants.”A little disappointed, I still couldn’t help thinking he had to be coming soon.

That afternoon, I started feeling more contractions. I went to the park and spent a while on a tire swing, just swinging around and enjoying the solitude. My friend came over later, and as we were talking, I could feel the contractions starting to pick up a bit. She’s in acupuncture school, and I had her feel my pulses while I was having contractions. The pulse was definitely “scattered,” which is a pulse you feel if a woman is in labor, but I didn’t think too much about it, as I was so used to the surges by now. They had become my new normal.I decided to take an early bath to see if the contractions would settle down like they normally did. I filled the bathwater with some mugwort flower essence and some essential oils for opening and expanding. Every other time, the contractions would slow down while I was in the bath, but this time they didn’t. I rubbed my belly with more flower essences and essential oils, and went to lie down in the bedroom.

At this point, I also decided to use some acupuncture needles to help with the crampiness and to move the energy downward. I used the acupuncture points Large Intestine 4 and Spleen 6 bilaterally. I’m in acupuncture school, and I promised my acupuncturist I wouldn’t needle myself in labor. But I didn’t really believe I was in labor at the time! The needles helped a lot with the intensity.

Around this point, my husband came home and I was seriously craving some gluten free cheese flavored crackers. I’ve never had this sort of craving in my entire life, and my cravings had largely gone away during the 2nd and 3rd trimesters. I remember how delicious they tasted, even though it sounds gross to me now.

Around 9 pm I asked my husband if we could watch a stupid Julia Roberts romantic comedy. Notting Hill was available on Netflix, so he turned that on. By this point I was using a TENS unit to help manage the intensity of the surges., and I was still in complete denial that I was in labor. I was sure that morning would come, and I would still be pregnant.

After a certain point, I said, “I can’t watch this anymore.” I made my way upstairs to the toilet where I would labor for the next four or so more hours. My husband sat in the dark next to me, and with each surge, he said “You can do this.”

Deep in labor land, I remembered the miscarriage I had before conceiving this child. I cried away the deeper layers of grief I hadn’t yet healed.

When the doula Murial came around 2:30 am, I was vomiting. I have blurry memories of thinking the contractions were going to kill me. I also thought I wouldn’t be able to physically handle twelve (or more) more hours of this. But she coached me through each surge, and she held the bucket as I continued to vomit. I was either really cold and shaky, or overwhelmingly hot. I didn’t know this at the time, but at some points the contractions were back to back, up to four minutes long. Each one would come and surprise me with its intensity, but I was able to sink into them and let the energy course through me.

I had a memory come to me of a miscarriage my mother had when she was seventeen weeks pregnant. I was twelve years old at the time, and I remember holding the baby and being so sad. I held my doula’s hand as I cried it out, continuing to labor on the toilet. I had yet to move.

After this cry, everything started to speed up. After awhile, I decided to try moving to the bed. I had tried moving to the bed once before, but the contractions had intensified, and I moved back to laboring on the toilet. At this point, I moved to the bed and prepared for another super intense surge. But they didn’t intensify at all, and I took a 15 minute nap.

I woke up to the sound of my water breaking (pop!) and very intense pressure in my pelvis. I screamed out, “What’s happening?!” because it felt like there was a sharp pencil scraping the inside of my birth canal. I also had an uncontrollable urge to push.

At this point, we called our midwife Kara who arrived at 5:15am. We were lucky she only lives two blocks away!Pushing was quite a different sensation. When Kara arrived, she asked me to use my fingers and tell her what I felt. I could feel my baby’s hairy head, and also a bit of tissue. There was still a lip of my cervix that had yet to dilate (causing the pain), and she helped maneuver his head over the lip so I was free to push. After a few pushes, I had a vision of him being born in the birth tub. My baby made it very clear that he was going to be born in the tub! Thankfully, the tub was just full enough, and I made my way into the most delicious water I’ve ever been in. I tuned into my body and my baby and pushed whenever they wanted me to. It was such a physical, primal, intuitive process.

Around 6 am, Kara asked me to move to hands and knees. I pushed on all fours as his head came out, then Kara helped somersault him through the cord. I went on one knee and the rest of him came out in the water, so beautiful and blue. As we pulled him out, he just reached his arms out to me as we cuddled and I sang to him a song I wrote for him before we conceived him. It was the most beautiful moment of my life.

After gazing into his eyes, we moved to the bed where I held him skin to skin and let him make his way towards my breast. Kara helped me birth the placenta. I needed to talk to the placenta, to tell her that her work was done, before she was born. When the placenta came out, I felt a huge sense of relief.

We had done it!

Throughout the process I had so much doubt. How could I ask my baby to be born vaginally, when I didn’t do it myself? But I trusted my body. I trusted that the story of my birth was separate from the birth of my baby. I made peace with my own birth story (thank you flower essences!), and that made all the difference.

Adam Hiroki Swartz was born at 6:07am on March 12th, 2016. It was absolutely transformative. Absolutely beautiful. And I would do it all again.

To this day, whenever I’m having a challenging moment as a mother, the mantra still comes back to me.

“You can do this.”

Jess and I kept hearing that only about 4 percent of all babies are born on the due date, and that first babies typically arrive late. With that in mind, as our due date approached we figured we had at least a few weeks to go. Between prenatal yoga, acupuncture and naps, I was feeling pretty good. Then at 2 a.m. on January 11 my water broke. I remember sitting in our bathroom and feeling excited, but also knowing that I had to try to stay calm and get some rest. We debated calling Kara since it was the middle of the night, but eventually we worked up the courage to text her. Kara was at a birth and told us to get some rest and to check back in the morning.

In the weeks and months leading up to this day, knowing that there was no way to predict exactly how things would go, I simply envisioned staying calm and focusing on my breathing. I knew I would have to trust my body and my baby. So when my water turned from clear to green at 6 a.m., I knew that things weren’t going to go “as planned”. We once again called Kara and talked through the presence of meconium in my water. We knew that this could be a sign of fetal distress or that it could simply pass, so we gave it two more hours and then decided to have Kara come over to figure out our next move.

Kara came over and listened to our baby’s heartbeat. It was a little fast, and because my contractions had not yet started, Jess, Kara and I decided it was to transfer to the hospital. Jess and I had decided early on that our priority was to ensure our baby was healthy above all else, so the choice to transfer was easy. As I packed for the hospital I started to get nervous, but both Jess and Kara seemed calm so that helped me stay calm as well. While Kara called the hospital to arrange the transfer, Jess went out for snacks and other necessities for our hospital stay. Soon it was time to go.

When we arrived at Labor and Delivery I felt uneasy. The waiting room was full, and we had to wait in the busy hallway as doctors and nurses ran back and forth. During my pregnancy I couldn’t imagine giving birth in a hospital. It was a source of anxiety for me that lingered until we decided to have a home birth. I wanted to feel connected to my baby throughout the entire birthing process, and I didn’t think that I could have that experience at the hospital. When we told the admitting nurse that we were transferring in from a homebirth I was relieved to sense that she understood our situation and was willing to work to make us comfortable in the hospital environment. She told us about her grandkids who were born at home. She was kind, patient and didn’t make us feel strange for wanting a home birth. We didn’t have a written birth plan but it was important for me to have an un-medicated birth, as well as mobility during labor, delayed cord-clamping, and immediate skin-to-skin contact with our baby. She made a note of these things and said she would make sure that our care team knew our plan. So far so good.

By this point it was around 11 a.m. and my contractions still had not started. The same nurse that admitted us suggested that I take misoprostol (“miso”) to get my contractions started. Looking back, I wish that I had taken more time to think about the decision to take miso. It was not until later that I realized what it means to have contractions that are not your own.

At first my contractions were light, but they very quickly became more painful and intense. I barely got a break between each contraction, and at times there were two to three in rapid succession. I tried hard to focus on my breathing, squeezing Jess’s hand during each and leaning on him for rest in between. Since I wasn’t hooked up to a monitor I was able to switch positions – resting on a yoga ball, on hands and knees, and leaning on Jess. I remember feeling too hot and then suddenly feeling too cold. Even before we were moved from the triage room to a labor and delivery room I went into a sort of daze – I don’t think I really opened my eyes until our baby was born.

Jess was great during the entire labor. I don’t remember a lot of what happened, but without his presence, encouragement and care I would not have been able to get through it all. As for the nurses, they came and went, occasionally adjusting the fetal monitor and checking in on us. By 6 p.m. the contractions were extremely painful and the nurse came in to discuss pain medication options. This was a low point for me. I was exhausted and in pain and agreed to listen to my options. All I remember hearing was that Fentanyl would be ineffective but that I could have an epidural. Every part of me wanted to say yes so that I could get some rest and relief from the pain.

I didn’t know this at the time, but Jess had texted Kara letting her know that we were discussing pain medication. She was on her way back to the hospital and asked if we would wait until she got there before deciding on the medications. Jess and Kara both knew that this was not part of our birth plan. Kara’s arrival was a turning point in my labor. She had me switch positions and got me to sit on a birthing ball in the shower. The hot water provided a lot of relief, and from then on it was all about getting through the contractions one at a time.

I don’t remember how long I was in the shower but afterward Kara had me sitting on my knees with my chest facing the back of the bed and the bed raised so that I could drape my hands over the sides. Jess stood behind the bed and I squeezed his hands during the contractions while Kara applied pressure to my lower back and hips. I remember Kara telling me that I was safe, and to let go once a contraction was over so that I could rest. And we went on like that for hours.

I also don’t remember the doctors ever checking to see how much I was dilated but at 9:15 pm the doctor did check to see if I could start pushing. I remember it being extremely uncomfortable and painful when the doctor pushed aside the remainder of my cervix so that I could start pushing.

I pushed for what seemed like eternity —- and in reality it was four hours. Our nurse helped me maximize each push by counting, while Kara and Jess encouraged me to rest and relax between contractions. At one point they could see the top of our baby’s head and told me our baby had a full head of hair! Kara asked me from time- to-time whether I wanted to see using a mirror. I kept saying “no”. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to see our baby but rather, I was determined to get our baby out and I didn’t want to see how far our baby was because I thought I might give up from exhaustion. So Kara suggested that I talk to our baby —- I remember saying, “come on baby, come out, I am tired. Please come out, I am so tired.”

I was not very convincing but labor is truly a beautiful process and a woman’s body an incredible being. The last few pushes were the hardest. I knew we were close but I just couldn’t see how I could push any harder. It as at the moment when I felt I gave up that our baby’s head cleared and the rest of the body flowed out with it. Seeing our baby held up by the doctors was an incredible sight and filled me with pure joy that it completely muted all the pain for several seconds. The doctors immediately placed her (although we didn’t it at the time) on my chest, and I was surprised by how calm she seemed to be, despite all the pushing and painful labor. Her eyes were open and looking at us, and Jess and I were immediately transfixed. We were so awe-struck that we completely forgot to check her sex! Jess checked and told me that we had a little girl, and we laughed and kissed each other, thinking of all the predictions and wagers around if our baby would be a boy or girl. I remember thinking that she was beautiful and perfect in every way. The doctors delayed having Jess cut the umbilical cord, and we were able to enjoy our baby’s first few moments of life together as though it was only the three of us in the room.

Maya Rani was born on January 12, alert and ready for this world, and we were ready to be her parents. Maya’s birth was not the one we planned but it was just the way it needed to be. I truly couldn’t have done it without Jess and Kara. The gratitude that I have for them, for their patience, love, strength and support is beyond words. We were overwhelmed with love and joy when Maya was born and still are. Holding her in my arms the day she was born was an indescribable experience and the bond that we have both as mother and daughter and as a family continues to grow stronger everyday.

When we brought Maya home it was as if she had always been a part of our lives. She was instantly written into our every memory. Being at home with her after nine months was an incredible feeling and Kara’s daily postpartum care was an indispensable part in helping us navigate the early days of parenthood. I always knew that I wanted to be a mother. Giving birth to Maya was the hardest thing that I have done, but the day that Maya made me a mama was one of the best days of my life and worth every minute of my labor. Maya teaches me every day to be patient, loving and strong. As new parents our lives have changed forever, and our promise to Maya is that we will always keep her safe and help her learn to be a good person.

Naomi’s birth story begins on Friday October 28th, 2016, with a suspicious leak. I had taken some pH strips from Kara just for this event, and sure enough after a few different tries confirmed that I was in fact leaking amniotic fluid. If I had been GBS negative as I was with Thea, this news would have been met with excitement that the birth was imminent. But this time around I was GBS positive. I knew we would have to start IV antibiotics soon, and that my runway to get this labor started was short.

Once I got confirmation I sent Jon the text that I needed him to come home because this was it (!). I then paced the house for an eternity waiting for him to arrive. Once he finally walked in the door I started the final preparations; getting the congee out of the freezer, packing some last minute things for Thea, and collecting the various pillows and props for labor. I was encouraged to take a long walk to see if I could get things moving, and we also needed to take a little space and time to digest what was happening. Fortunately Erika was free and came over to watch Thea while Jon and I went for a labor induction walk down the Panhandle. It had been raining and the trees and ground were damp, giving everything that magical feel. We strolled and reflected on the fact that we would shortly be meeting a new member of our family and there would soon be four of us! As we walked I felt a twinge here and there, giving me some hope that perhaps labor was on its way. Around halfway we stopped at a bench and had a couple of teenagers take our picture to memorialize the moment. We shared a hug. Then we started in on the real meat of the walk as we discussed strategy based on information from Kara- when to start the antibiotics, what labor induction we should begin, and the what ifs. I was anxious. While we walked and talked about risks associated with GBS and the not so glamorous induction methods (namely castor oil). There was no clear answer on what to do next so we decided to call Ami and Nancy to get their opinion too. Ami seemed to be on the more conservative side and wanted to get the antibiotics started sooner, while Nancy and Kara were willing to give it a little more time. The kicker here was that the leak had mostly stopped. If I were having a hospital birth, I would have gone in to see a midwife to confirm the leak. If I arrived and the leak had stopped, they would have sent me on my merry way without starting any intervention. But I knew that I had had a leak because I tested it myself, and that was something that we could not un-know. I just didn’t want to take a chance, and the final decision was to start antibiotics that night. That got us on the penicillin-every-four-hours train. While there was peace of mind in starting the antibiotics, we also knew we were starting the countdown for potential transfer and induction. After a few phone calls and texts letting people know that baby Naomi would be arriving soon, we headed home to start working on the labor.

Step one was to send Jon to Scarlet Sage to get our induction potions. We would begin with the Black Cohosh and Cotton Root Bark every two to three hours, while Castor Oil would be reserved for the next morning so that I could maybe get a little sleep. The breast pump came out too for some trusty nipple stimulation. Perhaps it was the tinctures mixed with the anxiety but I just felt terrible; heart racing, stomach churning, totally unable to relax. We ate a little dinner and Jon tried to get some sleep in preparation for the unknown. I had already been sleeping on the couch with a mountain of pillows around my hugely pregnant body for a couple of weeks, so I continued to camp out in the living room. Kara came over at 9:00 to check in on us, and we agreed on a plan to start the antibiotics later that night. The schedule for the antibiotics was fairly brutal for all of us. Kara got the IV started at 1:03 am. Then another visit at 5:43. It felt as though I had had no sleep at all between Kara’s visits, and just before she came back in the morning I threw up the horrible red Cotton Root Bark tincture.

Once Jon and Thea got up it was time for round two of induction, the Castor Oil. I had decided on a delicious Castor oil milk shake with ice cream and blueberries. While trying to chug the concoction, my body made it clear that this was an oil which was not meant to be ingested. I fought hard and was able to keep it down, but it was unpleasant. I started with the recommended 2 oz; nothing. Then Kara came over for the next round of antibiotics, and recommended another 2 oz of the Castor oil. Yes, then it started working. The process was not as horrible as people had described, but still no labor. I pumped, I paced around the house, I even walked up and down the block while people in costume passed by me (it was Halloween weekend after all).

Around 2:00 pm Ami came over to join Kara for the next intervention, and it was a deja vu of Thea’s labor. In just about the same place on the couch as last time, Ami and Kara broke the waters. The tricky thing here was that the timer really started for getting this baby out. Yes, I had a leak before, but it was probably a tiny leak high up. Now that we broke the waters Naomi no longer had her amniotic buffer. I was hoping to start heading in the direction of active labor after that, but the contractions still weren’t conforming to a pattern.

By 4:00 it was starting to feel like Thea’s early labor- contractions that would come and go in intensity and duration but didn’t seem to move toward active labor. I was feeling increasingly discouraged. Besides the fact that I felt absolute fear and dread of another labor that went on for days, we simply did not have that kind of time before I would have to transfer. I paced up and down the sidewalk outside while people (still in costume) gave me funny looks as I paused and bent over to moan through a contraction. I came back inside and paced the hall, this time pausing to hug the chair through contractions. I did hip circles on the ball, hip circles with one leg up, then the other leg, I got out the bolster and blocks and all the pillows to try out the positions we learned from Britt during our partner yoga session. Although the contractions were not exactly progressing in a linear fashion, they were becoming increasingly uncomfortable so Jon suggested I get in the shower for a while to cope and clear my head.

When I finally got tired of the shower I came back out to the living room for a heart to heart. After opening the bag, walking, yoga, nipple stim, herbs and Castor Oil, we had really run out of options for intervention at home and were just waiting impatiently for my body to get coordinated. It was just before 6:00 pm and getting dark. It just felt late. If transfer was inevitable I wanted to do it sooner rather than later and not have to labor into the night. I also wanted to get things moving so that we weren’t out of touch with Thea for too long. But Jon and Kara both agreed; we had four more hours of runway and we should just max it out. Kara said once we transferred, that was it. Even if I went into active labor spontaneously the minute we got there, we couldn’t come back home. I agreed, somewhat reluctantly, because I didn’t want to have any regrets. As was getting close to dinner time, we made preparations for the evening and Jon called Anna to come over and sit for Thea and get everything ready for her upstairs at Pete and Tracy’s. I thought about packing myself a bag for the hospital, but I just had to convince myself it was possible to have this baby at home within the next few hours.

Kara had one last trick for us to try and induce this labor. It was kind of a long shot but couldn’t hurt, so we got out the ring sling to try Rebozo sifting. At 6:17 pm I got on my hands and knees while Jon jiggled my belly with the sling. We had only been at it for a couple of minutes when I had a hard contraction, then another, and I asked Jon to stop while I leaned forward and buried by head in my arms to try and cope. Anna arrived and Jon left to help them transition Thea upstairs.

I remember the spaces between the contractions during Thea’s labor as surreal; I would be hit by a contraction that felt like an oncoming train, then it would be over and I would be in no discomfort at all. This time around, the contractions of active labor started and didn’t stop. It was one wave after another without time to collect myself between them. At some point Jon came back from getting things settled upstairs and I remember the two of them reclining on the couch giving each other nods as they timed the contractions. Meanwhile I was on hands and knees on the floor trying desperately to keep on top of the relentless surges. I asked Kara if I could please please get in the tub. Ruthlessly, she replied that we should give it four more surges. After all, it had only been maybe twenty minutes of real contractions. She casually got up to use the restroom down the hall, and as she left the room she asked if I felt the head changing position. I grunted yes, but inside I was screaming, YES how did you know!? Because at that moment I felt Naomi travel down the birth canal.

It was only a few minutes later that my deep moans changed to shrieks as I tried to indicate to Jon that her head was right there and I was ready to push. Kara got the message, and frantically texted Ami that baby was coming right now and ran back down the hall. I still had pants and panties and socks on and was holding her head back with my hand. We pulled everything off and somehow Jon managed to get a couple of chux pads down on the carpet for me. At 6:51 I started pushing, cautiously and with a lot of panting in between because, wow, is it really okay to push right now? With a good push she crowned, and a couple of slow pushes I delivered her head, then her body with a big gush. Jon had grabbed the camera and was somehow capturing shots even though tears were streaming down his face. Kara placed my very tiny soft baby on my chest, and all I could say was, “oh my god oh my god!”, which meant: “My beautiful baby is here!” as well as, “That was the craziest birth!” We were all so surprised- it had only been a total of 37 minutes from the time we started the Rebozo to when Naomi was born.

At some point I made it up onto the couch and the postpartum activities followed in a blur; Naomi immediately latched, Ami arrived, Kelli the photographer arrived, Jon cut the cord, I birthed the placenta, a small but painful tear was repaired. I got up for the first momentus pee and ate some quiche. Since we transferred to UCSF shortly after Thea was born, we had missed out on the quiet bonding time together right after birth. This time we were ceremoniously tucked into bed with Naomi- the culmination of the home birth. Thea then came down to join us in bed and complete our new bigger family. It was an intense moment for me to have my first baby meet my new baby for the first time, and my love for them was overwhelming. Thea was in awe of her new little sister, and I was in awe of Thea. It was an amazing to see the start of their relationship together.

I had started this labor feeling discouraged, particularly because of the history of Thea’s long and arduous labor. But I could not have hoped for a more spectacular conclusion! I feel so lucky not only to have had the experience of giving birth, but to have been able to do it my own terms in my own home.

A love letter to my childbearing years

After my second daughter was born, I struggled to get her birth story written down. It was really important to me to write it, and I kept meaning to get it done, but when I sat down to write, the words just didn’t flow out of me. I was confused at first. My labor and Zoë’s birth went beautifully. She was born in our living room in the wee hours of April 20th, in what was the most purely exuberant, life-affirming experience of my 36 years on earth to date. My husband, my parents, my midwives, my sister, my older daughter, Isis, and my niece, Sasha, were all there to welcome her into the world. It was intimate, and joyful, and empowering.

It was everything I ever hoped for out of childbirth, really.

So, I didn’t understand why it was so hard to craft the narrative. My first daughter’s birth story also took several months to write, but that made sense to me because my labor experience had been more emotionally difficult to process. We planned for a home birth, but had to transfer to the hospital when we discovered thick meconium in my waters midway through labor. I felt really sad about the transfer, but I knew it was what we had to do, and I lucked into the care of an amazing nurse—Heidi—so, I was grateful for that. She helped make space in the hospital for some really beautiful, intimate experiences, like the moment I touched my little girl’s head for the first time, as I was pushing her out. That blew my mind—to reach inside my own body and feel the hardness of another person’s skull. Of course I knew through my whole pregnancy that I was carrying another human being inside of me, but honestly, she didn’t become real to me until I touched her. That was the moment I truly understood that I had made a child, and she was here, with me. A new little soul, just two knuckles away from being born.

Heidi gave me a gift, by keeping the labor room as calm and private as possible until the last minute, but as Isis was getting close to crowning, it felt like the rest of the hospital flooded into my room. Besides the neonatal team chatting with each other off to the side, I suddenly found myself with a resident at the foot of my bed, being supervised by a hospital midwife, who, for reasons no one ever explained to me, was being hovered over by a perinatologist. They all seemed to have talked to each other about me, but none of them thought it might be a good idea to include me in the conversation. One minute I was calmly pushing, having been told I was making great progress, and then suddenly the doctor at the foot of my bed was holding episiotomy scissors and staring at my vagina while the hospital midwife tersely informed me, “Okay, we need you to push this baby out on the next contraction or else we’re going to do a vacuum assist.” There was no explanation offered, and certainly no discussion of the risks or benefits of episiotomy and instrumental delivery. I was educated enough to know that in certain emergencies, the time saved with a vacuum assist can really matter, but we were not having an emergency. My child was not in distress, and no one saw fit to explain to me what the great cause for concern was in this case.

I remember feeling discouraged, vulnerable, and rushed along by authority figures who it seemed were either impatient or simply did not believe that I had the strength to push my baby out on my own. My homebirth midwife, Nancy, was beside my head, and I remember her whispering into my ear, “I don’t know why this is happening, your baby is doing fine, but push like hell on the next contraction.” I gave it everything I had, and apparently that was enough to fend off the doctor, because he lay down the scissors after that, and they told me I could have another chance to deliver on the next push.

As I sat there waiting for the contraction to build I remember feeling confused, afraid, and utterly resigned to the idea that I would end up with an instrumental delivery. These clinicians at the foot of my bed filled me with self-doubt, and I somehow couldn’t find the words to advocate for myself. My baby was not in distress, I had been pushing for under two hours (which I knew was totally average for a first time mom), and my daughter’s head was visible and close to crowning. What was the rush? Why was I suddenly being told out of the blue that I had to have a vacuum assist? Even today, as I remember those moments, I desperately wish I could teleport back into that delivery room and stick up for the me that was lying on that bed. I wish I could look them straight in the eye and insist on better communication and more respectful bedside manner. In my normal life I am assertive, but as a laboring mother I needed to keep all my focus and energy on the task at hand. I didn’t have it in me to pick a fight with the doctor, so I just stayed silent. I closed my eyes, I put my head down and I pushed… I channeled all my anger, and sadness, and frustration into that push, and to my shock and relief, that got her out.

I got her out.

I heard her wail immediately. She came out pink and healthy and screaming. We had waited to find out the sex, so the first words out of my mouth were “What is it?!?” As my husband checked, my sister heard the doctor bark, “Get him on the table, now!” My husband announced that we in fact had a little girl, and then followed her over to the side table, where the pediatric team apparently wanted to suction her despite the fact that we had been told earlier that she would stay with me unless she presented poorly at birth. They suctioned her anyway, figured out quickly that my baby was fine, and sent her back across the room to me. Gradually the throng of people departed from our room, until it was quiet and intimate again, and we were free to focus on falling in love with this thoroughly delightful little creature who had joined our family.

My first daughter’s birth taught me to let go of my expectations, and embrace the complex grief and beauty of a different journey than the one I had planned. I learned that childbirth is an awesome rite of passage, no matter where it happens, and I developed an earnest and entirely new respect for my own body after seeing what amazing things it could do. Nevertheless, the change of venue made me feel sad and cheated, and my too-close-for-comfort run-in with episiotomy scissors and clinicians with poor bedside manner left me even less enthusiastic about hospital birth than I had been to begin with. I processed my feelings about Isis’ birth by writing about them. I made her a picture book with the story of her birth that focused mostly on the profoundly beautiful aspects of the journey, and I wrote a letter to the hospital that let me say my piece about the parts that particularly sucked. Once I had done those two things, I wrote a letter to my future self about what I thought I would need to feel supported, should I have another chance at childbirth.

When Isis was three years old, I got that chance. We learned that I was pregnant again, and that we had another little girl on the way. My second pregnancy was smooth, healthy, and low-risk, just like my first. Both times, I loved being pregnant, and absolutely marveled at the whole thing, from conception to birth to postpartum. I know for a lot of women it can be quite a bumpy road, but in most things pregnancy-related, I really got the lucky draw. I conceived babies easily and never suffered the loss of a pregnancy. I didn’t have morning sickness, and never faced any serious complications. I kept my normal commute, biking to the Caltrain right up until I was 37 weeks pregnant. I taught two consecutive quarters of my introductory human rights class at Stanford with Zoë growing inside me, and we even took a trip across the Atlantic together for work when I was big enough to get plenty of nervous side-eye from the flight crew.

I know that pregnancy can bring tremendous discomfort and complicated feelings about all the changes that happen to our bodies, but I found that pregnancy made me more confident and at home in my body than I had ever felt in my adult life. Both times, it made me feel strong, and beautiful, and tremendously capable. It felt like something I was meant to do, and I honestly loved doing it. I was grateful I had the opportunity to take this journey twice in my life, and I felt preemptively nostalgic the whole time I was pregnant with Zoë, knowing that this would almost surely be the last time I got to experience it all.

I re-hired Nancy and Kara, and started planning again for a home birth, but truthfully, I was afraid to hope. The whole time I was pregnant with Zoë, I was scared to believe that I might actually get to birth a baby in my own home, on my own terms, surrounded exclusively by people I loved and trusted. I had longed for it and fantasized about it for so many years, but I felt like I needed to guard my heart against disappointment. So, I spent much of my second pregnancy trying not to have any expectations for where or how Zoë’s birth would happen. This was more easily done in the beginning, when work kept me busy and distracted. In the final weeks of pregnancy, I had much more free time, and I spent most of my days at home with my thoughts wandering toward visions of her impending arrival.

At 38 weeks pregnant, I lay on my couch, gazing out my living room window at the beautiful mural on the front of the Women’s Building. The whole mural is built around a cascade of clear blue amniotic fluid flowing down the side of the building from the womb of a peaceful and powerful mama with a baby girl inside her belly. Because of my first and (until then) only experience with childbirth, I could scarcely imagine my bag opening and seeing anything other than that green stain of meconium. But Nancy and Kara kept telling me, “this is a different pregnancy, Penelope,” and as I lay there on my couch with Zoë wiggling inside of me, I used that mural to help me visualize something different. For the first time in my entire pregnancy, I nervously entertained real hope about giving birth right there. It scared me to allow those expectations to form, but I just couldn’t help it any longer. My living room felt like a place a child was meant to be born, and as fortune would have it, that is indeed what came to pass.

At seven days past my “due date,” following two weeks of maddening on-again, off-again contractions, my labor began on the afternoon of April 19th, after I drank four ounces of castor oil in a chocolate milk shake. Within a few hours, strong contractions were coming in a regular pattern. At 5:00 I had a run of some really powerful ones right on top of each other. I alerted Kara and Nancy to the shift, and they said they were on their way. Minutes later, as I was standing in the hallway, I felt my water break. I happened to be in the exact same spot where I was standing when we discovered the meconium with my first, but this time I was relieved and frankly astonished to see clear fluid running down my legs. I think I hollered, to no one in particular, “It’s clear!!” and then I just laughed and laughed as fresh bursts of fluid leaked out on every subsequent contraction. I moved to the bathtub just to let the fluid run down the drain, and that’s where I stood—joyfully leaking—when everyone started to arrive. In that glorious moment, when my water broke clear, a burden of worry lifted, and I suddenly had faith. I felt totally present. My body was working. My people were there. And I thought, “Yes. This is everything I wanted. Let’s do this.”

I labored through the evening with my family around me. The mood was joyous and loving and peaceful. When contractions would come, I closed my eyes and trusted my intuition to find coping methods that carried me through each one. And in between contractions, I just really enjoyed being in that space, and in the company of these ones I loved. Sometime after 11:00, once Isis and Sasha had fallen asleep, I started to feel an urge to push. It wasn’t overwhelming, but bearing down had definitely become the coping technique my body preferred with each contraction at that point. I asked for a midwife to check me, because I suspected this urge was still premature. Sure enough they discovered I was at 5cm. I think Nancy was worried I would be really discouraged by this news, but actually I was mostly excited to learn that Zoë would be born on the 20th, and end up sharing a birthday with a very special cousin.

Nancy and Kara sent everyone to bed, and I lay down with headphones and a mellow playlist of songs, trying to rest and avoid the urge to push. That worked for about an hour, until I couldn’t handle being horizontal anymore. I spent another hour pacing around the apartment, trying to find some magic spot or position or thing to squeeze that would take away my increasingly urgent need to bear down. This was both the quietest and the loudest part of labor—quiet because it was the dead of night, and all the lights were dim, and it was just me and my husband and Kara taking things one contraction at a time… Loud because oh my gosh the sounds that were coming out of me. The incredible power of my uterus amazed me. How can something be so strong and yet delicate enough not to crush the baby inside? Before I ever had children, I imagined contractions as something that happens to you during labor, as if some outside force is responsible. But after going through labor twice, I realized, that power is me. It cannot be too much for me to handle because I am the origin of that force. I could feel myself involuntarily pushing as I heaved and bellowed my way through each contraction, and when that started happening I looked at Kara pleadingly and said, “I’m trying not to push, I swear! But it’s just happening. I can’t stop it. I know I shouldn’t push, but what if I can’t control it??” Kara looked me straight in the eye, nodded her head and said, “That’s fine. You’re just going to do the very best you can with each contraction, and that is going to be enough.” She believed in me, and that meant the world to me.

I asked Kara to check me again, thinking surely I must be fully dilated by now if I was pushing uncontrollably. She obliged, and when I heard her say, “you’re at a seven. Now is not the time to push,” I just thought, “Are you fucking kidding me?” She moved me face down on the ground with my butt up in the air to get the baby off my cervix. I remember lying there with my check against the floor, and saying to Kara, “I know you can’t really answer this, but seriously, how much longer do you think it’s going to be?” Thankfully, I didn’t feel afraid, because Kara was just so calm and composed. She looked at me with such kindness her eyes as she said, “Could be an hour? Maybe two?”

“No. No way. That is simply not happening,” I thought.

My mind reached for alternate possibilities. I knew that an epidural would take away premature urge to push, but for that I would have to get to a hospital, which required getting down my stairs, riding in a car, and, most inconceivably sitting still while someone inserted the catheter in my spine.

“Nope. That’s definitely not happening either.”

It was funny. It wasn’t a feeling like “I can’t”—it was much more matter-of-fact than that: I just thought, we’re not transferring to the hospital, and I’m not doing this for two more hours, so something else must be about to happen.

And in fact, something else did happen. A new contraction came along with unbelievable force. My brain switched off, my body heaved, and my magical cervix dilated from a seven to a ten in one contraction. I heard Kara say, “I see a head,” and then there was a scramble to rouse everyone from sleep. Within just a few minutes, my husband woke up our older daughter, my sister grabbed my parents, Nancy was there ready to catch, and Kara was back by my side. I was on another planet trying to catch up with what was happening when I heard Nancy’s voice say, “Penelope! Penelope. Everything is good here. You’re fine. Everything is great actually. You’re having a baby!” I realized it was now okay to push with my contractions, and what a relief that was! I took a deep breath, heard Kara whisper, “you’re safe,” and on the next contraction, Zoë’s head was born. The rest of her flew out ten seconds later, right through Nancy’s hands and onto the mat below. Nancy scooped her up and handed her to me, and I was a new mother all over again.

Our family was complete, and we were home. It was everything I wanted it to be.

I realize now why I struggled to write Zoë’s birth story. I actually had two stories trying to make their way out into the world at the same time, and they were getting mixed up in my head. There was a story to tell about the night Zoë arrived. That was her birth story, and it could stand on its own, without all the prologue about her big sister’s birth. I wrote that story in long form this week, and put it in a book for her with beautiful pictures from her birth. But I also needed to write the story of my birth into motherhood, because we’re stopping at two kids, so I am reckoning with the realization that my childbearing years are complete, and I needed a place to reflect on the full arc of that experience. When I was young I thought you became an adult and that was pretty much your last big transformation until you became old. But of course it turns out, there are seasons to adulthood. The last five years of my life have felt like a metamorphosis. I feel wiser and more self-confident, and somehow tougher and more tender all at once.

Its an amazing privilege to have become a mother twice, and I could not be more grateful for the people who have cared for me and guided me and believed in me along the way.

Penelope Van Tuyl

October 20, 2017

A good friend of mine said, “You will never regret having a third baby, yet you may always regret not”. I totally agree, as I lay with my newborn nestled on my chest, knowing there is nothing out there that fills this love and emotion but life itself.

Ok, so let’s back up to how Jose (now Colton) came to life :) Marshall and I were out with our NightTrain swim friends (same group that gave me above advice). We had completed a lovely swim in bay, a 5 mile run around Angel Island, and were sharing few drinks at San Francisco yacht club. All the sudden a dare started and the next thing I knew I was taking a shot of Tequila (Jose Cuervo). Now I had just stopped nursing Jordan 1 month ago so my alcohol limit was low, I never do shots, and I HATE tequila! That said the song holds true “tequila makes your clothes come off”. I knew the next afternoon we were pregnant! By 3:00 pm I had implantation cramping (I’ve felt this before when I got pregnant with both Shane and Jordan). I was suppose to be tracking my period, but having had only 1 since I stopped nursing was bit hard to track. Plus the tequila :)

I didn’t mention anything to Marshall and thought I’d just wait a few weeks till I truly missed my next period. This was so hard to do, but I didn’t want to scare him quite yet if it was a false alarm :)

That day came and no period. Jordan and I rushed out to Walgreen’s to get a pregnancy test. I took the test and within 15 seconds it clearly read “PREGNANT”. I scooped Jordan up giving her big hugs with tears of joy in my eyes saying, “you’re going to have a baby brother or sister!” I was thrilled!!! I knew I wanted more kids but Marshall saw two as very manageable. I viewed Jose as my lucky charm, he just happened, and it was all meant to be.

That night Marshall got home from work and I was dying to tell him but thought it was best once kids were in bed. He literally came home telling me he just had lunch with a friend who had their 3rd baby and “wow it’s methane there! They are bringing in a live in au pair from Brazil”. I was biting my tongue; I knew there was no au pair in the cards for us. We sat at the breakfast bar and ate dinner. After dinner I handed him a little white bag. Marshall opens the sack, pulls out the pregnancy test, turns it over, and over again, looks at it still dumbfounded for two whole minutes. Then he starts laughing and says “NO WAY, HA”! I’m now shaking and crying. He hugs me; still laughing I think in disbelief and nervousness, and says just as my positive, calm, devoted husband would “let’s do this”!!! We cry, hug, kiss and start to vision Boyd family of 5!

We had our amazing midwife Kara (who also delivered Shane and Jordan in our same home) caring for Jose and I through out our pregnancy. We were in the best hands anyone could be in. All our appointments were positive, fun, with no issues. Jose heartbeat remained in low 130’s to high 120’s. I just knew he was a boy! My varicose veins were the worst thing about my pregnancy. They were bad and hurt a lot but I could handle it. I loved feeling Jose move in my belly, his hiccups at night, even big kicks under my right ribs. Its just soooo fascinating the body makes a baby!!! As usual we chose to forgo all ultra sounds and do no testing. Kara listened at first with the Doppler to hear baby’s heartbeat then just the stethoscope and it was always strong. I knew my baby was perfect, I just felt it.

We cruised along during pregnancy and a few weeks before Colton was born really started wrapping our heads around the birth and having a newborn. Marshall and I attended Kara’s refresher home birth class. I took a month long prenatal yoga class, and I mediated often. Jordan and Shane started sharing a bedroom (you should see what a 2 and 4 year old can create before the sun rises) and we got the house ready for baby. Well, really me nesting; installing new shelving in all closet and garage, deep cleaning house, doing big Costco runs.

Jose’s due date was March 16th. I started having contractions on and off a few weeks out. Saturday 7th I had many that day and that night thought “Marshall this could be it, get hose ready (for birth tub)”. No baby. Sunday and Monday more contractions but less often. Tuesday 10th I picked my Mom up from airport and now didn’t feel any contractions. It was so great to see Mom and have her with us. That Wednesday we had a meeting with Kara and everything was perfect with Jose. That week we did our usually routine with kids and had fun. Mom did a ton of cooking, baking, organizing, and laundry in preparation for baby. Every day wondering “was this the birth day?”, and everyday (besides cold/cough I got) I said, “Nope I feel just fine! Nothing happening”. Monday 16th came and no sign of Jose. Kara came Tuesday 17th and all was still normal. I had her do sweep the membranes with Jordan, as I was getting antsy when she was a day late, and I think it lead to more difficult labor/birth. This time I wanted him to come when he was ready. I was fine with waiting. It was hard and I did try all natural things (spicy food, sex, acupuncture, foot reflexology, and walking a lot/stairs) but God had a plan and he was going to come when we wanted too.

Jessy arrived on Thursday 19th!!! She had a ticket booked with plans to be meeting the baby yet maybe now she’d get to be there for the birth! She got to be present for Jordan’s and it was so great so maybe this one too!

Friday morning I did acupuncture again and did lion street stairs 3 times that night. That night 10:30pm while cleaning up the kitchen before going down to my room I had a strong contraction. I got down to my bedroom and felt dad’s presence. I felt as if he was sitting in my brown chair where he sat and held Shane and Jordan. He was there and I knew it was all going to be fine. I had 3 more strong contractions. I read my “Jesus calling” page and knew this was it! My contractions lasted ALL night long every 10-15mins. Some were more intense then others. I remained lying in bed as to not waste energy. Breathing through the contractions as the midwives suggest, trying to sleep. Let me tell you that sleeping during labor is not possible. Marshall would hear me moan and roll over pat my side and say “ohhh” and go back to sleep. At 5am Marshall texted Kara to let her know I’d been having contractions all night but they were still far apart. We had an appointment with Kara that day at 9:30am so she’d come see me then. At 6:30am I told Marshall to go wake my sister and have her feed and dress Shane and Jordan and drive them to my friend’s house. Mom woke too to help and was very excited. Everyone got out of the house around 9 am and my mind was at rest knowing the kids were gone and in fun good place.

We continued to labor in the bedroom. Kara arrived and said we were doing great. I was keeping it very mellow (Marshall was shocked at how I handled this labor). I was rolling on a ball, holding his hand and needing to be in child’s pose through every contraction but would then go back to reading Us Weekly, talking/telling stories, and listening spa music. Mom made me a protein shake, eggs, and English muffin. You can always count on my mom when it comes to excellent food, along with love and support.

Kara asked if I wanted her to check me I said “yes”. She did and I was 5cm dilated and cervix thinning!!! She said “honey you’ve made such great progress”. I said “thank you”. I told her to continue on with her Saturday as she had an appointment and she said, “No I’m going to wait around for an hour”. As she did the labor grew more intense. I couldn’t talk as much and the contractions became closer together and much stronger. I requested Marshall to put the tense unit on my back (muscle stimulator to help combat contractions). I leaned on Marshall SO much during my labor. He is my best friend, my rock, the calm one. He knows how to comfort and encourage me in any situation. He honestly held my hand though every contraction! I began pacing around room, sitting on chair, rolling on the ball, hugging pose, and even went out in backyard. Kara said, “I’m not going anywhere” and went to call Michelle Wellborn our secondary midwife. Marshall called his Mom too as we wanted her there for the birth.

We were still in bedroom and I had urge to bear down but it wasn’t quite as intense as I remember with Shane and Jordan. Kara washed her hands and her and Michelle put on gloves. Mom, Jess and Debi were all in room too. We were thinking this is it, but then it all slowed down a bit. I started get 15 mins breaks. I asked everyone but Marshall and midwives to leave room. They did. I tried to really absorb my breaks and rest. I was getting tired though. I had been drinking my Gatorade and doing GU (thank you Debi for running to sports basement to buy more) but could start to feel the long night weighing in. I had Kara check me again and she said I was only at a 7cm and still had a bit of cervix left. This was discouraging to hear but I wasn’t giving up. Giving up wasn’t in cards for me. My process was normal, natural, what a women’s body is suppose to do.

Kara and I discuss possibly breaking my bags of water (we did this with Jordan too) and I said “yes”. She said, “let’s wait an hour, ok honey, and see where you’re at”. “Ok,” I grunted. Twenty tough more minutes go by and I’m feeling this can’t get any harder but deep down know IT WILL. We decide to try the birth tub. Marshall basically carried me up the stairs and I got into the warm tub. The contractions were so painful that I’m moaning and whimpering all at once, wondering when can this will end, and I’ll have my baby! I remember having a glimpse of doubt and I looked up at Marshall who was draped over the side of the birth tub holding both my arms, and in his calm voice he reassured me that it was going to be fine, that I am strong, and I am doing great.

I hear Kara say “how about 20 more mins hon, and we can open your bag of waters”. I grunt “ok”. I was struggling not to bear down, but this baby was there and wanting me to push! Kara says “ok hon, let’s get you out tub and open your water”. I’m relieved, as I know baby will be here soon. I lay on my back on my yoga mat (same one Shane was delivered on) and she broke my bag. Whew and SHIT as pressure, contractions are SO intense now. I quickly reverted to hands and knees squeezing Marshall’s hand and pushing. Kara was amazing and noticed I had an anterior lip of cervix (same thing that happened with Jordan), she held her two fingers inside and slipped the cervix over Jose’s head. The midwives yell to my Mom, sister, and Debi to come! They come flying in the living room. I push once and push his whole head out!!! I let Marshall’s hands go so he can catch our baby! I push twice and push his whole body out. I hear him cry and Kara and Marshall pass him under my legs and I see he IS a BOY. We lay down with our son our third beautiful healthy baby!!! Oh my gosh we did it! We cry, kiss, and hug our baby. It’s an amazing miracle. Circle of life. He’s a big boy and Marshall and I lay there with him and kiss. I feel a contraction come and out I push my placenta!! This might seem normal for most of you, but the past two kids Kara had to manually remove my placenta (which is not pleasant and pretty scary on both our ends) so we were THRILLED it came out on it’s own. We all cheered and did high fives.

My mom cooked up an amazing dinner for all and poured glasses of Rombauer wine to celebrate. We toasted to Colton Vincent (my dad’s name) Boyd’s birthday and sat around chatting how beautiful and big he was :) We are blessed.

Marshall cut the umbilical cord; Jessy adjusted Colton (she adjusted his head sutures and his neck. We love that she can adjust him so soon into life) and Kara took baby vitals. We all were guessing how much Colton weighed. I said 9 lbs. He was 8.11lbs and 22” long with head circumference of 14”!!! Big big boy! He was nursing great. The only issue we had was his temperature was low.

We got us moved into our bedroom and midwives stay to clean up. His temperate was still low. Around 8pm everyone said good night except Kara stayed to make sure his temperate was ok. My mommy’s instinct kicked in and I told Marshall to grab me the space heater. He looked at me like I was crazy even said “Mandy this isn’t going to work”. And I insisted. “Lay it horizontal on bed and I’m going to unswaddle Colton and really dry him out. All his little creases and folds are clammy and wet”. We had him laying on me and both of us were just sweaty and clammy. The heating pad I felt was creating wet heat. We blasted the dry space heater heat and I laid over him talking to him telling him “come on Colton, we can do this!” Jessy got me some essential oils that had cinnamon in them which can help create heat. I rubbed them on his back and feet. I dried out his neck, arm pits, and rub our noses together talking to him whole time. Heat blasted away. Kara took his temp 96, but then in a few minutes it was 97! It was working! I knew it. Follow your gut :). By 10:30 pm Kara said she felt ok leaving. His temp was better, but to keep checking it every hour and text her. We needed it to be 97.7-99.

I made Marshall sleep with Colton on his chest while dry heat blasted them. Imagine sleeping in dry sauna :) I took it again 97. By 12:30am it was 97.7!!!! I text Kara. Finally we could all rest a bit. I set my alarm for every hour to be sure to nurse him and check his temp. By 7am he was perfect 98.3! Yeah we did it. All in clear.

Marshall and Jessy went the next morning on bikes to go pick up Shane and Jordan from our friend’s and brought them home to meet their new baby brother! They came rushing in our bedroom and they loved Colton. I was surprised how much Jordan really liked him. They were very sweet to him. Touching, kissing and looking at him. They both wanted to hold him too.

We are now a lucky blessed family of 5! Marshall and I love each other more and more everyday and strive to show our children the passion we have for one another and life itself. Thank you God.

On August 26th 2012 Marshall and I were thrilled to discover the home pregnancy test read loud and clear “pregnant”. We were very excited to add to our family and have another child close in age to our funny little boy Shane.

This pregnancy was totally different then Shane’s. I wasn’t sure if the pregnancy was different due to having a toddler to chase after all day so rest was limited, or that is was “a girl”! I had multiple sicknesses along the way and I’m typically a very healthy person, very bad varicose veins in the left leg, more hormonal (Marshall can contest), and nesting all the time!

Marshall and both knew we would like to hire Kara Engelbrecht to be our midwife as she delivered Shane. At the time she delivered Shane she was just a midwife in training. When I called her at 8 weeks pregnant with Bubba (that is what Shane nicknamed this baby), she was on her way to take her midwifery exam. Obviously she passed the test and we were her first official clients!! We couldn’t be in better hands.

We cruised along week by week. Kara took great care of Bubba and myself. I always enjoyed our home appointments. Bubba had a strong heartbeat that ranged from 130’s to 120’s so then I switch my mind to “it’s a boy”. We thought this baby was going to be smaller then Shane as due to all my sicknesses I wasn’t putting on a lot of weight. After I visited my family in Florida I got healthy and started adding the weight, and it worked. I made sure I grew a bigger baby and the belly started to really POP out. Bubba’s movements were always very soft and rolling in my belly. No hard kicks like Shane, so I switched back to “it’s a girl”.

It wasn’t until about week 36 it all sunk in that “Wow! were going to have a baby and soon!” I now thought “nope it’s totally a boy”. I’m going with a boy!

On Monday March 11th I woke twice in the night with two contractions! Wednesday 13th I was up several hours in the night doing my yoga moves as I was very uncomfortable. It felt like the baby flipped sides and dove down. And that’s exactly what happened! I called my Mom and said, “I think Bubba is coming early”, but after that no more contractions.

Mom arrived on Monday March 25th. That Wednesday we went and got a foot massage as we did this with Shane and with Shane that massage, set me into labor. We then picked Jessy up from the airport (she was going to be there for the birth by had to leave by 1st), so I was now officially READY to birth this baby! But nothing happened that night. I didn’t think I’d be antsy and I’d just let it happen, but I was. I was excited to meet my baby! I had Kara come over and sweep my membranes. She said if I was on the verge this could help and it’s not harmful in anyway. Thursday night no baby. Friday day no baby. I had Kara come sweep my membranes at 4:45 pm Friday night and by 5:40 pm I had strong 40 second contractions! I knew it was time. YEAH

Mom started dinner and Marshall and I walked the block for ½ hour. During that time I had 4 strong contractions. I sat through contractions through dinner, Shane’s bath and putting him to bed. I cried when I put him to bed, as I knew it would the last time I had “just him”. I then could focus on my labor. Contractions grew stronger for a full minute but remained 5-7minutes apart. Marshall called Kara and her and Michelle Wellborn stopped over around 10pm. They could tell I still had some work to do so they said they were going to go back home and keep them posted. I felt like I had been working FOREVER, yet it was frustrating the contractions weren’t getting closer. I asked Kara what I could do to make them closer and she said just try to get some rest in between and relax. Don’t waste energy moving around. That was HARD to do. Marshall and I lay on the floor on the yoga mat. I had the TENS unit on my back fighting each contraction with it.

Finally around 1:30am my contractions were around 3 mins apart Kara and Michelle came over. They told me I could get in the aquadoula. I did and felt the urge to push. I asked Kara if I could and she said, “Go ahead”. She checked me and I was fully dilated. I pushed and pushed and pushed, but nothing was happening. It was hard work, but I didn’t feel like the pushing was quite as excruciating as Shane. I also had some breaks in between still, which I didn’t have with Shane. After an hour of pushing, Kara rechecked me and informed me “your cervix has come back”. WHAT!!!!!!! She said there must have been a bag of water in front of the baby’s head that allowed me to fully dilate and when that bag broke I went back to 8 cm. HOW DEFEATING. She said I couldn’t push anymore and need to now get up move around and go back into active labor to get me back to 10 cm again!!! I felt like I just got to the end of my Ironman and the referee said, “sorry you’re DQ’ed so go back to the beginning, start over, pace yourself and you’ll get there.”

Marshall, Mom and Jessy were all so encouraging telling me to stay positive and you can do it. I must say I had doubts. I did. It took everything for me to refocus. Marshall was my solid rock! He never doubted me, and moved me into different positions, held my hand, and supported me with kind words along the way. Kara and Michelle told me how to breathe and what to try next.

As I was squatting by the banister Kara noticed I was bleeding and knew my cervix was swelling. She said, “ok we can’t do that position, you need to lie down and labor through these.” We put back on the TENS unit, Kara held my leg and we worked through more UNBEARABLE contractions. I can’t even explain. I finally said “I can’t do this, what can do we do to make me fully dilate”. Kara said she could break my bag of waters and that would most likely allow me to fully dilate. I know the baby needs it’s bag of water if it’s not really ready to come, so I wasn’t quite sure I wanted to do this, but then again I couldn’t keep up this pain/pace. I confirmed with Jess that her midwife broke her water with Charlotte and it was ok right, she said yep. I asked Marshall what he wanted to do and he said, “Lets break it”. Kara did and the contractions somehow became even more unbearable then they were. I got back in the tub and had the urge to push again. She checked me and noticed I now had an anterior lip of the cervix. She said she would hold it back while I pushed. She did and it slipped over the babies head, I felt the ring of fire did a few more pushes and my babies head was out. Kara said reach down and feel your baby. I did, it was so surreal, but I just wanted Bubba out A few more pushes and Bubba was born underwater!!!!!!!! Kara pushed her through my legs and onto my chest. Marshall and I held our baby. I was in shock and so relieved, we are FINALLY holding our baby. We both looked down and checked what Bubba was and said “OMG it’s a GIRL!!!!!” We were bawling. We have a daughter. A funny handsome son and now a beautifully little girl, wow we are blessed. She was cubby and adorable.

We moved us out of the Aqua Doula and now needed to birth the placenta. Kara knew from Shane’s birth the placenta had a problem detaching and same thing happened with Bubba. I was losing a lot of blood, Michelle gave me a shot of pitocin in the leg and Kara said, “Mandy, I’m going to have to go in for it”. As if I couldn’t have gone through more pain I did! But I had full faith in Kara, and knew we needed to do this. After some minutes of Kara physically working to detach my placenta she DID IT!!!!!!!!!! THANK GOD!

We stabilized me and Bubba and Marshall, I and our new daughter Jordan Lynn Boyd lay there in tears. WE DID IT WE DID IT. Our bodies are meant to do this and thank god for the wonderful midwives like Kara and Michelle who are SO skilled in their profession they are able to handle anything. Thanks you guys!

Our little chubby bunny Jordan was officially born on 3/30/13 at 4:32 a.m. She weighed in at a whooping 8.4 lbs and is 20 ¾” long. She has brown hair, long fingers and toes, small waist, broad chest, a cute chubby face and the Thompson nose. We are in love with our little girl.

What a nice Easter gift.

We’re pregnant! Marshall and I looked at each other in shock and excitement when we saw the test say “pregnant”. We didn’t quite believe it so we took another one. Still in disbelief we thought, lets wait till tomorrow and do it again. Morning came, and yep still pregnant! Very exciting, yet what do we do now?

My sister had done a home birth the year before and I learned so many wonderful things about midwives. I also met, a now good friend of mine here in SF, who did a home birth in Sausalito. I started quizzing her on her experience and the midwife she used.

I discussed my ideal birth plan with Marshall and he wasn’t quite on board. I informed him of all the great benefits of having a homebirth and he still was skeptical. It wasn’t until I made him watch the Business of Being Born that he said, “Ok, I’m in!”

From here we began interview midwives and fell in love with Rites of Passage, Nancy, Ami, and Kara. They were warm, friendly, and super educated. Hired!

From 10 weeks till birth Nancy, Ami, and Kara took amazing care of my baby and me! I never went to another doctor or hospital, except for one appointment to do my prenatal blood draws and the 36 week check in with UCSF Midwifery unit to have them as a back up. I never did any ultrasound or additional tests. I trusted in my team and my body that my baby was healthy and happy.

We began our monthly home appointments with either Nancy or Ami, and always Kara. I had a strong bond/chemistry right away with Kara. It was as if my best friend had come over for coffee. Kara was a doula and midwife in training at the time, so Nancy and Ami allowed her to do most of the appointment analysis. Being in your home laughing while getting an exam is amazing. They would take an hour or two out of their day to review my vitamins, food in take, measure belly, listen to the heartbeat and be there for all my odd, hard, or uncomfortable questions. You do not get this kind of time or care from an OBGYN.

Kara, Nancy, and Ami (along with Jane Austin’s homebirth class) made me embrace pregnancy, enjoy it, and not be scared of birth. They let me still enjoy the things I love to do in life; running, skiing, eat sushi, drinking wine, traveling… as long as I felt ok doing it they were on board. They educated me in prenatal yoga, massage, and herbs. They made Marshall feel confident and safe in having a home birth, which was HUGE.

Since we didn’t find out what we were having we called our baby in womb Minnow. I swam a lot during pregnancy, so this was a perfect name.

Here is how Minnow entered the world. My Mom arrived on Tuesday, so I knew mentally now it’s time to do this; any day from here on out would be okay. Wednesday we got a 70 minute foot and reflexology massage in China town. That night we were out in the bay on my friends boat. Had some nice wine, cheese, and bounced around on some big waves. We drove home and I told my Mom “I’m going to have this baby tonight”.

I went to bed at 11:00pm and at 11:10 I heard a “pop” and I knew it was my water. I woke Marshall, as when his head hits the pillow he’s out, and said, “my water just broke”. I was excited. I text Nancy, Ami, and Kara to inform them. I didn’t have contractions right away, so Nancy said to go back to bed and call her in the morning if nothing had changed. I laid back down and in 15 minutes, BAM! Strong contractions! Two and a half minutes apart 45 seconds to 1 minutes long. We went right into active labor. Marshall put the TENS unit on my back (like a muscle stem machine that women can use in labor) and I’d push the button to provide relief through each contraction. We stayed in the bedroom for 2 hours doing this. I found it most comfortable flopping my upper body over the bed and swaying my hips side to side (lots of juicy hips), and moaning. I told Marshall to, “call the midwives.” He said, “No we need to wait for 4-1-1.” He was remembering contractions 4 minutes apart, for 1 minute long, for 1 hour. I said we’re pasted that we are at 2 1/2 MINUTES apart! He said “oh yeah, your right!” He woke my mom to come help me as he went to go fill the Aqua Doula and call the midwives. He came back to the room to tell me Nancy and Ami were both at births and Kara was on her way. I was THRILLED to be getting Kara, and in a ton of pain, so knew they would figure out the two other certified midwives to attend. And they did, Michelle Wellborn and Sue Balen. I was in great hands.

Kara and Michelle arrived at 1:30 am, not sure when Sue shown up. I was thrown over the back of the couch when they got there. Kara checked me and I was 5 1/2 cm dilated. She told me I could move into the Aqua Doula if I wanted. I was a little afraid to take the TENS unit off as I felt it was a way for me to battle back on the contractions, but I wanted to try the tub. I moved into the tub and was in there for several hours on hands and knees and thrown over the sidewall.

Marshall and Kara were amazing talking me through breathing techniques, rubbing my back, letting me squeeze/bite their hands. My Mom too was a huge help, running around getting anything needed, telling me I was strong and can do this, and boiling/adding additional hot water to the tub! I think I was in there 3-4 hours and then I wanted to push. Kara checked me and I was only 8 cm, so I couldn’t push. She told me to empty my bladder and that would help give me room and for my cervix to fully dilate. I couldn’t focus on peeing, so she got me out of the tub and put in a catheter! That was tough to do, as I had to lie on my back, hold through a contraction as she did this. I guess I drank too much Gatorade. I was not going to the hospital for dehydration!!! It worked and it gave me room to fully dilated, so after resisting the urge to push for an hour, Kara gave me the green light and on I went.

The pushing I must say was WAY harder then I planned. I guess because stories I’ve heard where the active labor was tough and the pushing was easier. I always hear women say, “I pushed 3 times and out came my baby.” I pushed for 2 1/2 hours changing and trying positions constantly (squatting holding a railing, birthing stool, kitchen breakfast bar, over the couch, kneeling, and then child’s pose) asking, “can you see the head???” Kara always answered me in a calming voice “You are doing so well. You are so strong.” Thanks, but not what I wanted to hear!!!! I want to see the head as this hurts. I got a little discouraged during this time and just had to remain strong and know this baby will come out. There were moments I wasn’t sure.

Kara suggested moving into child’s pose on a yoga mat in our living room, and through lots more bearing down and pushing, our baby Minnow was born!!! Kara told Marshall to come down here and get ready! Marshall put his hands on Minnow’s head I heard him say “WOOOWWW!” Another push or two and out came the shoulders and body. They passed Minnow through my legs onto my chest where Marshall and I held our baby for the first time!! It was the most amazing moment. We cried and just hugged Minnow sitting there in awe. We were so excited we didn’t even know the sex right away, or cared, it was such a precious moment that WE have a beautiful healthy baby! I eventually looked and said though lots of tears, “it’s a boy”.

We lay back to hug our baby and soak in this moment, the 3 of us.

Then for the delivery of the placenta. Mine didn’t want to detach. We waited 20 mins, nothing. I was bleeding a lot so the midwives gave me a shot of pitocin in my leg. Now 40 mins nothing. I could sense the midwives whispering and knew I had to deliver the placenta and soon. They did another shot of pitocin in the other leg, nothing. I asked if it would help if I stood up, and they moved me to the birthing stool. Here Kara had to make the decision to go in and sweep my uterus to assure the whole placenta came out. She did and yeah the placenta was delivered!!! Whew! We DID it!!!!! We had a beautiful home birth to our baby Shane. Born at 8:21am on 4/7/11 weighing 7.05 lbs and 20.1/4” long.

The postnatal care was amazing as well! Ami and Kara preformed 10 second degree stitches on me, clean up my home, let me shower, helped with nursing, and tucked the 3 of us in our own warm bed. They continued to check on Shane and I for the next few weeks, which was so helpful and needed.

We are blessed to say we are now pregnant with #2 and have hired Kara to be our midwife!!!! We couldn’t be in better hands. We are 28 weeks along and again I enjoy every coffee visit (appointment) with my friend/midwife Kara.

Choosing what kind of birth I wanted to experience had everything to do with choosing Kara as my midwife. Kara was there for my first son’s birth as a doula three years prior and I was thrilled that she had since decided to become a midwife. She is attentive and sensitive to my needs and my husband’s, she has the most gentle yet commanding presence in the moment, you simply feel that you are in the best hands with her by your side. I gathered so much strength from her, knowing that she believed in me, I was able to find the strength and courage to stay in the moment and meet my baby on the other side.

All of this was of course set up over the course of my prenatal care. Kara was super in tune with everything I was experiencing over the months, very quick to respond to any question or concern I had, resourceful with her suggestions to what I needed to heal common ailments during my pregnancy. She always seemed to have just what comforted me the most at any given time. It was bliss not having to go to a hospital or other facility for prenatal visits! Having Kara show up at my door was not only a great excuse to bake something and sit down and have tea, but take care of what we needed to do in the comfort of my own home and bed (an extra bonus with any older child in the house!). I could depend on her for anything. And I trust her implicitly. No one else but me was going to get my baby out and that took a lot of self preparation. But I feel like that all hinged upon what team I had set in place for pre and postnatal care and for the actual birth. In the final moments after two hours of labor and two hours of pushing, my baby’s head came out and was stuck. With a completely calm disposition, Kara helped to get me on my hands and knees and perform the Gaskin maneuver to deliver a beautiful 9 lb 11 oz baby boy. I remain forever filled with deep gratitude that Kara was there with me for one of my life’s greatest moments!

Chronicles of a Breech Baby

Part I - Intro

At my 28 week appointment, my midwife palpated that my babe was breech. I was able to feel his little head and bum after she showed me and it was amazing. Being breech at 28 weeks is quite normal as there is still plenty of time to turn and most babies do. I began seeing a chiropractor at this point to ensure my pelvis was in proper alignment and to ensure baby had as much room as possible to turn. At my 32 week appointment my midwife confirmed that our baby was still breech. I started to get quite anxious knowing midwives cannot legally assist breech deliveries at home. The mere thought of having to get a c-section was terrifying to me.

At that time, I continued seeing the chiropractor and receiving acupuncture. I was doing forward leaning inversions and breech tilts every day. I tried moxibustion, swimming and every possible recommendation to help turn a breech baby vertex. I was able to feel his head so I knew day by day that he remained in the breech position. At 36 weeks we knew we had to explore other alternatives to home-birth. I had an ECV done at 36+2. It was unsuccessful. Another ECV was attempted four days later at 36+6 with no success.

It was a very stressful time and many tears were shed throughout the weeks. I believe my baby was breech for a reason and truly believe it is a variation of normal. In an effort to get him to turn head down, I felt I was fighting against nature. After the second failed ECV attempt I stopped trying to get the baby to turn. I was very disappointed and somewhat angry in the lack of knowledge and support of vaginal breech deliveries in the medical community. When I told family and friends that the baby was breech, most of them asked when my c-section was scheduled for. Some family members were concerned about my adamancy of having a trial of labor and whether or not it was considered “safe”.

I was able to get an appointment with a physician at the Sutter Davis Birth Center at 37 weeks to be evaluated to determine if I was a candidate for vaginal breech delivery. After checking the babies size and getting an MRI of my pelvis to ensure it was “adequate”, I was given the go ahead for a trial of labor. At this point I had already mourned the loss of my home-birth and was grateful and relieved to have the opportunity to try a vaginal breech delivery rather than having a c-section. For the last few weeks I finally felt at ease and was able to relax and enjoy my breech babe.

Part II – Birth Story

I woke up at 3:58 am on October 26th when I felt a small gush of fluid. I was 39 weeks and 6 days pregnant (my due date was the 27th) and while I wasn’t immediately sure it was my water that had broken, I couldn’t help but become excited that I was going to have our baby soon! I went into the bathroom and my pajama pants were fairly wet and when I sat on the toilet more clear fluid released. My husband Ed woke up when I went back into the bedroom to change so I told him my water had broken. He was very excited as well. I waited about 20 minutes and then called Kara (I was not having contractions at that time). She said to try and get some more sleep and to check in with her in a couple hours. I couldn’t sleep, clearly, out of excitement and anticipation. I laid down for a bit and around 6:30 am I got in the shower. I was feeling very mild contractions at that time. Kara and I checked in with each other a little after 7am. She said that herself and Hana, her student midwife, would arrive in about an hour and decide on when we would travel to Davis, CA, about an hour and a half away from San Francisco. My mom was now awake and I informed her of the news. I think she was a bit anxious but excited as well. Kara and Hana arrived around 8:15. She listened to the baby’s heart rate which was steady and strong and had good variability. She asked if I wanted to labor at home for awhile or if I wanted to head to Davis. My contractions were still very mild at that time but I felt it was appropriate to head to Davis now rather than later. I didn’t want to be stuck in the car for an hour and a half if contractions were strong.

My mom, Ed and I were in our car and Kara and Hanna drove in Kara’s car. We arrived at the birth center around 10:30 am. They put me in a room, checked me in and monitored myself and the baby for about an hour. The nurse told us Dr. Fineberg would be coming over on her lunch break to see me. Dr. Feinberg came in around 12:20 pm. She did not want to do an internal exam due to the fact my water had broken so she did a visual exam of my cervix with a speculum and said I was probably about 2 cm dilated. She recommended that I go to a nearby hotel to relax and continue laboring. There was no need for me to stay at the birth center at this point.

We left the birth center around 1:15 pm and checked into the University Park Inn Room. My contractions had started to slightly pick up in intensity around this time but I wasn’t uncomfortable. Ed had gotten us lunch so we ate and watched some T.V. When we left the birth center, Kara and Hana headed back to San Francisco so Hana could get her car in case another client went into labor. Kara texted me around 2:30 pm and said she was leaving San Francisco and would meet us at the hotel. At this point contractions were becoming more consistent and getting stronger. Kara arrived at the hotel sometime around 5 pm. We were all anxious for her to get there because my contractions were getting more and more intense and we weren’t sure if we should head back to the birth center without her. She listened to the baby again and checked my vitals, all of which were good. She told Ed that he and my mom should eat so he went to Whole Foods to get them dinner. I labored mostly on the bed. I used deep, steady, slow breaths to get through each contraction. I would lie on my side and sort of writhe my legs up and down. I had imagined myself being more active during labor, and needing support from Ed but it felt the best to be lying in bed and I did not want to be touched. I was drinking a lot of fluid to stay hydrated so I felt like I was in the bathroom every 10 minutes. Sitting on the toilet through contractions was a nice change but the toilet was quite uncomfortable to sit on. I was laboring on the toilet and Kara was in the bathroom with me around 6:50 pm. She could tell by observing me for the past two hours that things were really progressing and that my contractions were very intense. She decided that we should probably head back to the birth center soon. I got dressed and had a few more contractions on the bed.

I wanted to minimize the number of contractions I had on the way to the birth center which was about 10 minutes away so as soon as the last contraction finished we went straight to the car. I had one contraction on the way there and one really intense one in the parking lot walking in. We arrived around 7:30 or so. We were given a room right away and I was connected to the monitors again. It was nearly impossible to stay still at the point. The rushes were extremely intense. A few times I had them back to back lasting 2 ½ to 3 minutes long. When things seemed unbearable I tried to remind myself that each contraction was bringing me closer to finally meeting my baby boy. All the contractions I had gone through already were in the past never to be felt again; and that between the contractions I would be able to rest.

My nurse Antoinette had called Dr. Feinberg to let her know that I had returned to the birth center. She was not on call but she is only one of two doctors that will assist with vaginal breech deliveries in that practice and she will come in when a mother with a breech baby is in labor. Dr. Feinberg asked Antoinette to do an internal exam to check my progress. I had to wait until I was in between contractions to get comfortable enough to lie on my back while Antoinette checked me. She was a bit confused at first because she wasn’t quite sure what she was feeling. The baby’s testicles presenting first may have been the reason why ☺… but she estimated that I was approximately 9cm to fully dilated. Hallelujah!!! I must say I was very surprised that I was 9 cm, but I was oh so relieved as well. Antoinette left the room to call Dr. Feinberg and update her.

To say my contractions were intense at this point is an understatement. Penetrating might be a good word. I turned over so I was on my knees and elbows. I’m not sure how long it was before Dr. Feinberg got there, but when she arrived, she wanted to check me. I had to manage to turn over on my back again which was not pleasant. She confirmed I was indeed fully dilated, but the baby was still fairly high up. She said I could get in the birth tub for a while if I wanted to but I honestly didn’t think I could move from the bed. I turned back over onto my elbows and knees. She said if I was feeling pressure I could push and that may feel better. I was feeling pressure so I started pushing, not hard like I was trying to push the baby out, but enough so that it relieved some of my discomfort. It really did make things feel better. At this point Dr. Feinberg told Antoinette that I needed a heplock. Oh joy, this should be fun. I put my right arm over the top of the bed and continued to labor and breathe through the rushes while she put the heplock in. Around 9:10-9:15 pm or so Dr. Feinberg wanted me to turn to my back again. She checked me again to see if the baby had descended any more and he had. She wanted me to start real pushing now. I did around 3 rounds of pushes with contractions and the baby’s testicles were starting to emerge. It was around 9:34 and they wanted to transfer me to the operating room. They want all vaginal breech deliveries to take place in the operating room so that if there was a need for an emergency C-section, everything would be ready and all necessary personnel are present. Hana had driven back and arrived just shortly before I was taken to the OR suite. Ed, my mom, Kara, and Hana had to put white jump suits on and OR hats. They had me put on a hospital gown at some point and I took off my shirt and sports bra. They put an OR hat on me and wheeled me back to the OR room. This part was kind of a blur to me. I was just trying to focus on myself and the baby. While they were wheeling me back, I continued to push with my contractions. Once we got into the room, I had another contraction on the bed and then I sort of rolled over onto my hands and knees onto the tiny operating room table. It was 9:39 pm at this time. They hooked up the monitors again to track baby’s heart beat and my contractions. I pushed with another contraction and then Dr. Feinberg wanted me to get on my back again and continue pushing that way for a little I believe because it facilitates the baby’s descent. My gown was now off, and I was completely naked but I certainly didn’t care. Two more contractions and rounds of pushing and his testicles were completely out. Kara had me reach down and feel him. There was meconium everywhereeeeeee. Kara was on my right and one of the midwives from Dr. Feinberg group was on my left. My mom and Ed were towards the foot of the bed. There were apparently a lot of people in the room. Vaginal breech deliveries are not too common. I believe it was the OR staff, the anesthesiologist, a pediatrician and pediatric nurse, a respiratory therapist, Antoinette (my L&D nurse), the midwife, Dr. Johnson (another doctor from the practice who is learning breech deliveries), Ed, my mom, and Kara. Hana was asked to watch from the observation room. Four more contractions and pushing and his little bum was starting to emerge. 9:51 pm and Dr. Feinberg wanted me to turn over onto my hands and knees again, at which point I politely cursed. Back to the hands and knees position, 9:53 pm, testicles out, bum emerging… At this point I can look between my legs and see my progress. And basically I didn’t care if I tore, I want my baby out and in my arms. So I start pushing with every bit of strength I could find. I don’t really remember his legs popping out, but I remember a lot of relief. And everyone was so excited and encouraging. The baby was now out to his above his belly button. He was just hanging there, I was so exhausted. At this time you want the rest of the baby to come out fairly quickly because the cord is being compressed. Dr. Feinberg helped slip his arms out he was now hanging outside of my body with just the top of his head inside. All I wanted was for her to get his head out, which she did assist in doing. There was so much pressure and then a huge release. Before I knew it, his head was out and he was in my arms (9:57 pm). It was the most amazing and miraculous feeling in the world. I remember Kara telling me weeks before to grab him and stimulate him so the pediatrician will not feel the need to intervene. Breech babies are more likely to need resuscitation. I was kind of in shock but Kara helped rub him. He did not need any help, he was doing great! He was so calm and quiet, he barely even cried. I managed to turn around onto my back and put him on my chest. He was wide awake and perfectly quiet. It was so amazing. Welcome earthside Sawyer Dylan! He stayed on my chest and we waited a bit before the cord was cut. The placenta was delivered shortly thereafter and they stitched me up in the two areas that I had torn. We were transported back to the L&D room. Kara and Hanna stayed to make sure Sawyer would latch properly and start breastfeeding, which he did like a champ. It wasn’t until almost two hours after I had delivered that Antoinette took Sawyer to weigh and measure. That took place right next to me in the room. 6 lbs 10oz, 19 3/4 inches. He was given back to me and we continued skin to skin all night long. I couldn’t really sleep. It was all so amazing and surreal.

Looking back I would not change anything, not even Sawyer being breech. It was how he and our birth were meant to be. I’m so grateful to have had Kara by our side throughout my pregnancy and birth. She was incredibly dedicated, supportive and encouraging.

My due date was originally June 27th, but at one of the early ultrasounds they changed it to July 4th. Since our first son, Phineus, arrived 4 days early, I finished up my last day at work and closed the office for the entire week after that. So then the waiting game began!

I had my last acupuncture appointment and was anticipating a slightly earlier-than-due-date arrival – similar to our first son, Phin. But that wasn’t what Elan had in mind! From June 24th until the evening of July 5th I spent most of the time wondering when my contractions were going to begin. With the time off from work, I tried to fill the time with other activities: hung art work on the walls around the house, organized baby clothes, went out for labor-inducing pizza, and we met up with friends for breakfast.

Finally at 7:26pm on Tuesday, July 5th, I started feeling real contractions and my mucous plug started releasing. I texted with Kara Engelbrecht:

Phoebe: Hi! Starting to have a bite of bloody show, but not really any “real” contraction. Just wanted to give you a heads up. We’ll keep you posted if things pick up. My sister is coming over in a bit just in case to be available for Phin.

Kara: Great, feel free to call whenever you want me to come. How is baby moving?

Phoebe: Still moving, Seems like he’s tightening up/flexing more often. Or it’s just Braxton Hicks?

Kara: Sometimes when they move it stimulates your uterus a bit.

Phoebe: Right… that’s what it feels like. He’s kicking right now.

Kara: That’s good. He’s finding his way. Eat some food. Get some rest. Looking forward to meeting this guy!

Mike put Phineus to sleep, and Chloe was on her way over. At 8:26pm contractions were closer together but still mild, and Mike got in touch with Kara again:

Mike: contractions 5 minutes apart, mild.

Kara: Great. Looking forward to meeting Elan.

Mike: Phoebe said she’d feel good to start antibiotics, thinks she’d like you here.

Kara: Great. I’ll come on over.

Mike: 40sec duration, 5min apart, last was a bit more than mild.

Already this labor was different than my first – it was slower to start and slower to progress, which was welcomed after the precipitously fast labor for Phin’s birth. Kara said that it was likely because Elan had a lot of work to do during labor – he needed to flip himself around and drop several more centimeters.

Kara arrived around 8:45pm, while my contractions were still infrequent and short (early labor) – but I wanted to start antibiotics for GBS+ and have midwife present, since last birth was super fast. Kara got all he supplies setup, Chloe arrived around 9pm, and we started the first round of IV antibiotics to combat heavy GBS colonization. Chloe stayed close by, giving me a shoulder rub. IV antibiotics were disconnected once they were finished, so I was then free to walk around.

Contractions were steady but very mild still, so from 10:30pm until 1:30pm we were just waiting. Mike, Chloe and Kara all took a little cat nap in anticipation of not getting much sleep tonight. I tried lying down with Mike for a few minutes, but I could not sleep – I was just too excited to actually be in labor after waiting for 2 weeks!! I tried a few tactics to get labor to pick-up: took a warm shower, walked in circles around the kitchen/living-room/dining-room, ate chocolate, and did deep squats I learned in prenatal yoga. At 2 am Kara started the 2nd round of antibiotics, and that’s when I started feeling afraid. Since this labor was progressing slower than my first, and it was a different experience, I thought that something could be wrong. Kara assured me that this labor was moving along normally, and that there was not anything to worry about – Elan was moving, his heart beating strong, and he was getting ready for his entrance.

The 2nd round of antibiotics was administered slowly, taking a full hour, during which time contractions were picking up. At this point I moved into elbows and knees, started feeling really nauseated, and puked right after the IV was disconnected at 3am. Active labor contractions started around 3:40am, yet I was only 5-6cm dilated. The next 40 minutes were the strongest contractions. The only relief was when Mike and Chloe were pushing on either side of my hips during the height of each contraction. It felt like the painful contractions would never stop, but they did, and I got a bit of relief as I transitioned to pushing.

Since I had Phin exactly 20 months earlier, I was able to control the pushing to prevent tearing (as it turned out), so after 10 minutes of pushing, water breaking, Kelly (assist midwife) arriving, and a few good pushes, Elan’s head, then shoulders, and rest of his body landed into Mike’s hands at 4:30:19 am with a vigorous cry! Somehow Elan was passed between my legs, I picked him up to my chest, and we waited for the placenta to be delivered a few minutes later. Elan started rooting right away, and he was nursing soon after being born.

Phineus woke up during the commotion, and joined everyone in the room. Now we were a family of 4!

There was nothing to repair down yonder, so the next few hours was spent cleaning up, eating eggs and a smoothie, completing Elan’s newborn exam, and shuffling Phineus off to Aurora’s. Mike, Elan, and I spent the daylight hours resting from the long night of activity. The group efforts worked again.. Baby #2, Mr. Elan Holmberg Good, was here and ready for action.

My due date was November 10th, but an ultrasound at 20-something weeks mentioned possibly November 4th, so I thought all along that he might arrive a few days early. I finished up my last day at work on Tuesday, 11/4 (I was supposed to finish on 10/31, but I unexpectedly had to train our new front desk coordinator at my orthodontic practice before going on official maternity leave). Luckily, Mike and I got in a last minute reservation to Gary Danko’s on Tuesday night – we had never been and I’m so glad we fit in a romantic dinner together “before-baby”. After Tuesday, my schedule was clear. A friend of mine mentioned that she thought our baby would arrive on the Full Moon (which was Thursday 11/6), so that is what I started visualizing and telling people. On Monday, Kara even wrote in my chart that I wanted him to arrive on Thursday. I felt that little Phineus was ready (his head dropped lower, his movements were settling down, and he was resting for his job ahead)… and I felt ready (nothing else in my schedule, I didn’t want to be bored, and my blood pressure shot up in anticipation of becoming a mama).

On Wednesday, Mike and I finished up the last of our work obligations. I mostly hung around the house, only stepping out for a quick grocery shop and what ended up being my final pre-natal acupuncture appointment with Linda Gruber. She must have hit all the right trigger points that appointment! Wednesday night 2 of my close friends came over to eat dinner, and I decided I just might have a few sips of wine to help relax my body. My friends really noticed that I was exhausted and that things had changed just in the last couple weeks.

On Thursday, Mike and I planned to stay around home. He was working around the house, and I took my final “nesting projects” of cleaning out and organizing the hall closet shelf of cosmetics/medicine and making a big pot of chicken soup. I had read online about a few “natural techniques” to help labor get started. Some of the ones I tried were: evening primrose oil pills 2x/day, eating spicy foods (had Indian for lunch on Thursday), took a couple of 1 mile walks at a decent pace, and had a few sips of wine a couple nights in a row.

Mike and I went for a walk around 7pm, during which I felt more pressure in my pelvis than before – causing me to actually pause walking for a few moments. In retrospect, these were likely some early labor contractions, but at the time they felt almost indistinguishable from the Braxton-Hicks contractions I had been feeling for the past 2 months, so I wasn’t fully aware that I was in early labor.

We decided to watch a movie, and while lying down on the couch at about 9pm I felt intense menstrual-type cramps, so I got up to pee and low and behold I had bloody show and saw the mucus plug in the toilet (I snapped a photo of it with my phone of course). As my brain started processing what was going on, I asked Mike to get in touch with our midwife and doula. The 3 of them were texting/talking back and forth for what seemed like a while. They both asked Mike to keep them updated, suggested that we have a glass of wine, for me to relax in a warm bath, and to let them know as things progressed.

We did listen to their advice of having a glass of wine, and we sat back down on the couch to resume our movie watching, thinking that things might take a while to pick up. About halfway through my glass of wine my contractions started getting more intense, longer, and closer together – as Mike was timing them on his phone App. Between 7-9pm Mike noticed I had a general anxiety, that I couldn’t put my finger on, but it seemed to Mike a bit like a panic over something that needed to be done or was about to happen. Also, the infamous bout of “clearing of the bowels” occurred over several visits to the toilet. It hit both of us that this was the real deal, so Mike got out all of the homebirth supplies, made up the bed with the drop cloth and old fitted sheet, he got back in touch with Kara and Shannon, and I got back in the bath to try to sooth the cramping feelings and slow down the surges per Kara’s suggestion.

From 9:30-11:00pm the contractions were every 3-5 minutes, at the beginning lasting 5-10 seconds and growing to about a minute, each one coming and going in a wave. At around 10:30pm the contractions were becoming a lot for me to manage, so I went to the bath tub to get some rest. The bath felt ok for a while (about 30 minutes and ~6 contractions), but then it started feeling uncomfortable, as the contractions were becoming really quite painful – it felt almost like the water was stinging my skin and I had no place to turn to. Mike described me as looking spacey and restless, so he asked if I’d like to move to the bed.

I realized that my contractions were more intense than I could talk through so I asked Mike to see if Shannon could come over right away, and he got Kara on the phone so she could hear me experience one of the surges. As soon as she heard one, and my accompanying moan, she said she’d be right over.

Mike walked me carefully to bed between contractions, and that’s when the first BIG one hit. I was barely able to crawl onto the bottom edge of the bed. I spent the next hour in some variant of cat-cow or child’s-pose (a-la-Jane-Austen’s pre-natal yoga class) with my forehead and face pressed into a damp washcloth, and resting on my elbows and knees. I was already having full-on active labor contractions when Shannon and Kara arrived because I barely remember seeing anyone’s faces. (I found out a couple days later that Shannon arrived at 11:10pm and Kara at 11:20pm – baby Phineus arrived at 11:51pm!) As soon as Shannon arrived, I asked her to put a TENS unit on my lower back – it was really helpful for a few of the surges. The support from Mike and Shannon was really helpful in guiding me to breathe through the peaks and valleys of the contractions. In retrospect if someone could hear me from outside of the house they might have thought I was turning into a werewolf for the full moon! As things were getting intense and I wasn’t sure if I could handle it, Mike told me, “they said that if you’ve made it this far without any medication, then you can most definitely make it through the rest with some support and guidance.” That was what I really needed to hear to feel safe and let go into the experience.

From the time I moved to the bed to the time he was delivered, my sense of time was elusive, as I really felt focused on being in my body to get through the contractions. Mike noticed that as the contractions got stronger, I became more in my body and less cognitive. I’m pretty sure I did feel a slight pause in the intense contractions (transition stage) as my body switched gears, and then I felt the urge to push. My body just said push, I asked Kara if it was ok to push, she said yes, so I pushed. As our baby was moving down the birth canal I felt the pressure in different places: pressing on my sacrum/tailbone, stretching the perineal tissues, and pressure of feeling like I had to go #2 (I’m pretty sure that happened a bit during pushing despite early labor’s attempts to clear the way). Hearing Kara, Kelly Murphy (who arrived just minutes before birth as the midwife assist), Shannon, and Mike describe what was going on is what helped me to focus and visualize on what my body was feeling. I wanted to know the correlation between my body’s sensations and the progress of labor/pushing.

My bag of waters broke sometime during the pushing stage, sounding like a water balloon bursting followed by a gush of fluid. It seemed like I had a total of only 7-10 pushes, and Kara encouraged me that each one was working as little Phineus was progressing down the canal. The most difficult few pushes were to pass his head – once those were over it was smooth sailing after that. When his head started showing, Mike said “Cool”, and about 3 contractions later he fell into Mike’s hands. Once Phineus started vigorously crying (which sounded incredible to hear for the first time), Mike and Kara passed little Phineus through my legs for me to see him. I was still on my hands and knees, and when I saw our baby I felt a huge emotional relief, repeated the phrase “oh my god”, started crying, and I was somewhat frozen and shaky as I had to collect myself before being able to pick him up and regain a sense of my surroundings. Mike wiped Phineus’ skin and we all rested for a while soaking it in. It was a nearly indescribable and surreal feeling that 10 months of pregnancy instantly turned into a real human baby squirming beneath me.

Everyone in the room helped me regain my calm, sit back, pick up our baby, and find a comfortable position with little Phineus on my chest as we waited for the placenta to deliver. The placenta came out without complication, I continued holding little Phineus with Mike by my side, and Kara and Kelly got to work suturing some minor tearing. Once Kara and Kelly felt confident that they had finished their “knitting adventures of the most sensitive part of a woman’s body”, Kara helped me to take a shower. It felt really good to take a warm relaxing shower and hand over baby Phineus to Mike (placenta still in tow). Mike took Phineus on a tour of the house, they sat for a while taking pictures, and then returned to bed to lay chest to chest. After the shower I rejoined the boys in bed, and the midwives and doula occupied themselves in the kitchen drinking tea, making some nutritious food, charting notes, and preparing a sitz bath solution for me to use during healing. Mike placed Phineus on my chest as the 3 of us focused on little Phin’s first moments, and experienced uninterrupted bonding with our newest family member. Phineus started to root and he actually breast fed for a few minutes, which was really fun to watch for the first time!

What time was remaining of the first night and day with little Phin was spent sleeping on and off between nursing – alternating napping on mine and Mike’s bare chests. It took a few days to process all that had happened during what Kara has referred to as “my precipitous labor” of 2 hours and 51 minutes. Mike and I are so thankful for all of the help, support and guidance from Kara, Kelly and Shannon throughout this miraculous experience. I am thankful to Mike for his constant emotional and physical support, and beautiful perspective throughout my entire pregnancy and birth. And kudos to you Mr. Phineus for your swift arrival!

I really wanted to be the valedictorian of having babies. I always knew I wanted a natural, unmedicated birth – partly because the idea of an epidural seems more scary to me than labor, but also because it seemed like the ultimate challenge, an opportunity to prove (to myself) that I’m tough, as tough as my mother. I was going to take on labor like a killer set of hill sprints; I was going to kick childbirth’s ass. It turns out that childbirth doesn’t like to be challenged, nor used as a platform for toughness-proving. It turned around, yawned and kicked my ass, twice, and I should send it a thank you note for doing so.

Round 1: I approached Jack’s birth it like an athletic event, and I expected myself to perform well. I trained (via bradley birth classes), got a coach (doula extrodinaire, Kara), and chose a location that would increase my chances of success (St. Lukes). With a week to my due date, I took a break from charging through my to-do list to take a nap and awoke to my water breaking. I set forth on my labor plan – bake for the nurses, take a walk, stay at home as long as possible, basically totally ace this labor thing. Part way through making pumpkin bread, I started to think that baking was a silly idea and took a break to time a couple contractions. Things were moving more quickly than anticipated. I called back Kara and asked her to come. Labor was like runaway train – quick, direct and overwhelming. I didn’t have a chance to catch my breath let alone kick its ass. In the midst of it, I listened to Kara, whom I trusted implicitly, and accepted the support of my awesome husband, but still in much the same way as at a track event – heeding my coach’s direction and registering my families’ cheers while charging ahead by myself. I wanted to be calm, relaxed, efficient and strong, and I was for the most part, but it didn’t really matter. When it was over, I didn’t get a medal for my performance. I got my baby, a sweet, cone-head baby with a natural baby faux-hawk, and a collection of hormones that forgot how to behave. It was nothing I had prepared for. I had prepared myself to take on childbirth, not for actually having a baby. The adjustment was difficult – with no help from hormones or my self-sufficient attitude. Round 2: Everything was different Quinn. I knew I wanted to work with Kara again and she was now a student midwife, so I signed-up for a homebirth. When I signed-up for this homebirth, I thought I would get a birth at home and the convenience of not having to go to the hospital for appointments. What I got was so much more and for me, much for valuable. Having trudged through postpartum depression once before, I was petrified of having to do it again. Throughout my pregnancy Kara (and midwives Nancy and Ami of Rites of Passage) spent time checking in with me and helping me do everything possible to diminish the chances of going through it again – finding a counselor, homeopathy, supplements, and perhaps most importantly, encouraging me to accept help, allow myself to be vulnerable and to be cared for in the midst of a situation I cannot control.

A week past my due date, my water broke in the middle of the night. I called Kara and we expected this labor to proceed much like Jack’s – fast and efficient. It did at the start, but then it seemed to lose traction at a pretty intense point in the process. I could tell that the contractions weren’t as productive as they should be even though the pain was the same. It was frustrating. I felt like a skipping music track, repeating the same contraction and unable to move forward. Kara checked to see where I was (9 cm) and found the source of the delay – a big bubble of water cushioning every contraction. With a quick pop, labor went into overdrive and in a few contractions I was pushing. With Jack, the pushing was the best part and not really painful, but with Quinn it hurt. It really hurt. This baby’s head did not mold. She arrived, round-headed and pink as pink can be. I heard my husband sweetly and unforgettably say ‘I have a daughter’, and we cozied up on the couch. I was tired and completely spent – emotionally and physically, but I didn’t feel like I needed to be anything else. This time I was ok with being a mess and with just having finished.

In hindsight, I needed childbirth to kick my ass, to make me feel out of control, and to fail at being my idea of the awesomest baby birther ever. Birth wasn’t just about my baby arriving or proving I was tough enough to do it without drugs; It was about learning to embrace an uncontrollable situation – labor, the possibility of PPD, and perhaps child-raising in general – while accepting the support of the people around me. Thank you, childbirth.

The name homebirth puts so much focus on the moment of arrival and fails to capture the entirety of the experience. The midwives supported me through her birth, but they also walked with me through the whole pregnancy and into her first few weeks as part of our family. This was invaluable. Thank you, Kara, Nancy, Ami.

There are so many reasons I am thankful for Kara. I am sure that the birth stories of my children would have been no where near as awesome without her in them. If it weren’t for the trust we built when she was our doula during our daughter Riley’s birth, we probably wouldn’t have had a homebirth with our son Max. Having a homebirth with Kara as our midwife was absolutely one of the best decisions we have ever made. As my husband Sam would say, “Kara is punk rock.”

Max was born at home on May 14, 2012 at 6:49 pm. When I went swimming that morning, I felt a little crampy and like something might be starting, but I did not want to tell anyone for fear of jinxing myself.

I went with my daughter Riley and Sam’s parents to Riley’s gymnastics class, but I didn’t feel that great. When Carolyn asked if I wanted to go out to lunch, I knew that I needed to go home instead. During lunch at home I was pretty sure that I either really needed to go to the bathroom or I was in labor. It turns out both were true. I went to the bathroom and after I put Riley in her room for quiet time at around 1:30, I had to stop outside her door and breathe through a contraction.

My friend Bonnie, who was a part of the birth team, had impeccable timing, and just happened to call right after my first major contraction. She was at work, which just happens to be across the street from where Sam works, which meant they would be carpooling to the birth. I filled her in, called Sam, and then went to tell Carolyn that I was in labor. Carolyn and John had been staying with us, but were moving to a hotel that afternoon. Carolyn asked if they could go check in and I figured we had time, so I said I’d be okay to stay with Riley.

To make a long story short, I got back on the phone with Sam and Bonnie and told them to get home as soon as possible. Riley loves TV, but rarely get to watch it. She sits incredibly still and tunes out everything else around her. If ever there was a time for TV, this was it, so her Sesame Street marathon began. By the time Sam and Bonnie got home at around 2:30, the contractions were so intense that I have a picture of me on my knees, with my head on the bed with Riley next to me, eyes glued to the screen.

Knees on the floor, head resting on the bed was a position Kara had taught me before I had Riley and it was one I was again able to rely on while having Max. I have another picture to remind me of how quickly and intensely my labor progressed. At 3:04, Bonnie took simultaneous pictures. One of Riley sitting crisscross on the couch, eyes glued to the computer and another of Sam and I lying on the bed with my head on his chest, resting between contractions.

I remember that when Sam’s parents came back to pick up Riley, I had to be very deliberate about when I left my room to say goodbye to her. At that point I had to do some serious moaning and deep breathing during each contraction and they were coming so close together that I made it a very quick goodbye.

The next three hours were HARD. Being at home felt so right. Kara, Cynthia, Bonnie and Sam were all I needed and exactly who I needed.

Bonnie’s excitement turned quiet presence is one of my favorite memories during my labor. She went from running excitedly into the house, bouncing between rooms taking pictures, to sitting quietly in the small space between the door and the dresser, watching intently, and getting up to make snacks and bring me popsicles. It was around 3:45 that she was on the phone with Kara because both she and Sam couldn’t believe how intense my contractions were and they wanted to make sure she was going to make it over the bridge in time to catch this baby. Luckily, she was already safely over the bridge and very close to our house.

Sam was right next to me, providing incredible physical and emotional support as each contraction came and went. He let me squeeze and hold and lie on any part of his body I needed to. I remember thinking that my actions might be worrying or scaring him or making him uncomfortable in someway. But when I would check on him, he always had this awesome smile on his face. The look on his face told me he believed in my strength and I had nothing to worry about.

Cynthia was an amazingly quiet, supportive and knowledgeable presence. I had to have an IV because I tested positive for Group B Strep and she somehow managed to practically make me forget it was there by holding the bag up and moving with me wherever and however I moved. When I was fighting the contractions as they got stronger and I became discouraged, she reminded me that the most painful moment was right before the contraction was on its way down. This enabled me to think to myself that at the apex I should relax because it wasn’t going to get any worse.

Kara was THERE. We were at home because we knew she would be there and that was all we needed to feel safe having our baby at home. Kara brought many things to Max’s birth, laughter being one of the most important. She did many things to make me smile and laugh, which helps me when things are hard. One time when Kara was checking for Max’s heartbeat, she said she could hear a little acceleration in it. Kara said, “He’s excited. He’s like ‘I’m getting born!’” When I was at the end of my labor and my cervix only had to open a little more she told me to imagine the last bit melting away. I told her that there was no way anything was melting. We laughed and I can’t remember her alternative that she came up with, but she forgot it a few times and we laughed again as she caught herself talking about my cervix melting. My favorite of her affirmations as I breathed and moaned were, “that’s the way” and “you are doing this”.

I remember hitting a point at which I stopped fighting against the pain of the contractions and became determined to move my baby out of my body. I kid you not, I really remember having a WWJAD (What Would Jane Austen Do) moment. So I squatted during a contraction and felt some serious relief. During the next contraction I really wanted to push. So I did. I remember thinking, if I push as hard as I can right now this will all be over. So I pushed with everything I had. First push, his head was out. Sam motioned to Bonnie to get the camera because he could see the baby’s head. Second push, Max shot out into the world.

It is amazing. It is amazing how in one moment it is all over and in almost that same moment you get to hold your baby. And when you have your baby at home, no one tries to take him away from you for a really long time. And even when it is time to take care of the placenta and the stitches and everything else, you still get to hold your baby in your bed.

When I was ready, I got to get out of my bed, go to the bathroom in my own bathroom, take a shower in my own shower and eat a meal cooked in my kitchen made by Bonnie. Eggs and greens and leeks never tasted so good.

It is hard not to cry thinking about the 24 hours after Max was born. The whole world stopped and we got to just be in our home with our new baby while people we knew took care of us. It turns out that new babies and mamas are just fine and don’t need to be checked on every hour and get woken up to have their temperature taken. Before the birth, Sam and I had worried about what it would be like when Kara and Cynthia went home and we would be on our own. The night Max was born I remember being impressed by how long Kara stayed and how fine we were when it was time to say goodbye. Max and Sam slept well in our bed that night. I couldn’t because I just kept waking up in disbelief at how okay and amazing we all were.

The next morning, Sam’s parents brought Riley home to meet her brother. It is hard to imagine that moment being anywhere near as perfect as it was if we were in the hospital. Our bed was big enough for all of us and Riley had all her books to choose from to read to Max. Best of all, we were never interrupted.

I was at a burger joint dining with friends on a Friday night at about 7:30 p.m. when I felt a warm, wet feeling down below. “No way,” I thought to myself. “My water cannot be breaking- that only happens in movies!” My friends called my husband Jay, and an uber. The driver asked me if he should take me to the hospital.

“No, take me home please,” I said proudly. “I’m having a home birth!”

After a glass of wine with those same friends and Jay, the contractions kicked in. At first, they felt like period cramps and I was still able to chat for a bit. Then they started getting more intense, and my friends politely excused themselves and went on their way. By around 10:00 p.m., I began to figure out which positions helped me deal with the contractions. The only position that felt good was sitting on a yoga ball in front of a desk, allowing me to lean over and rest my head on the surface. I wanted to lay down, but the lower back pain I felt during the contractions (and all throughout my pregnancy) did not allow me this luxury. I remember telling Jay that if I could just lay down and sleep for a bit, this would be so much easier. This wasn’t in the cards though, so I mustered up the strength to deal with the exhaustion. Thankfully, my body went on autopilot and knew exactly what to do; it even felt like it sent my mind off to a place to rest.

I didn’t open my eyes the entire time I was handling the contractions. If I did, they barely stayed that way. At one point, I asked Jay to watch while I forced them open. They were all over the place, as if I had kaleidoscope eyes. Looking back, I wish we would have filmed it to see how truly out of it I was during this time.

I was surprised by my strong urge to get naked throughout the birth. I’m far from an exhibitionist, but I started stripping down during the first intense contraction. My body was extremely hot during contractions, so I threw everything off trying to get comfortable. Then I’d get freezing cold, like teeth-chattering cold. It helped having a blanket nearby, thanks to Jay. Whenever I’d throw the blanket off, he’d pick it up and wait until the next contraction was over to place it on me again. He also timed every contraction and massaged me or applied pressure wherever I needed it. Sometimes I desperately wanted pressure on my lower back; other times I did not want to be touched. The poor guy never knew when to step in! I knew exactly what I wanted though, and had no trouble asking for it when I needed it.

Jay was in contact with Kara and Rebekah, our doula, throughout the night. He updated them on how I was doing and how far apart my contractions were. At around 9:00 a.m., Rebekah, who’s also my neighbor, came over and instructed Jay to fill the birthing tub. Kara checked in at that time too and listened over the phone while I had a contraction. Based on the intensity, she headed over. She watched another contraction and based on what she saw and heard, she gave the okay to get in the water. Let me tell you, I could not have been happier being in that tub! The warm water eased my back pain and was extremely soothing. I’m a huge fan of baths, hot tubs, and hot springs, so this came as no surprise to me.

In the tub, Jay and Rebekah took turns massaging my back and applying pressure to my hips. They kept me hydrated and nourished, though I wasn’t very hungry during labor. I was extremely thirsty, though! I still think about how wonderful my water bottle filled with coconut water was at the time.

After being in the tub for about an hour, I began transitional labor. The urge to push is almost uncontrollable, kind of like having to go number two really badly, but worse. I wasn’t fully dilated yet, so it was important for me to resist the urge. I even told myself, “No, no, no, stop pushing, stop pushing!” Once you do get the okay to push, it’s glorious! I almost couldn’t wait for another contraction to come just so I could do it. Again, this sensation really does feel like you’re going number two. They told us in birthing class to expect “extreme rectal pressure,” but I didn’t expect it to feel like that.

This part of the labor was relatively short, lasting about two hours, but it felt like I was pushing him out much longer. The crowning did not seem long though, and thank goodness for that! They don’t call it “the ring of fire” for nothing. I didn’t expect to scream during my labor and I hadn’t before this point. Our apartment is small with thin walls and there are 6 other units in our building, so I had this in the back of my mind, but in that moment I did not care. Surprisingly, no one complained or even knew that I had a home birth in the building. It was also 12:28 p.m. on a Saturday, so I’m sure most of my neighbors were out to brunch like most San Franciscans are on the weekends.

As soon as Jack came out, I scooped him up as fast as I could and placed him right on my chest. Jay was behind me in the tub, hugging me while looking over my shoulder at his brand new baby boy. It was a spectacular moment and one I’ll never forget it.

We left the tub after 15 minutes or so and then went straight to our bed. Jack crawled to my breast while we laid there and he latched on beautifully. I was so proud of my boy for nailing it on the first go! While I nursed him, Jay and I examined every part of his body. We can happily say that we counted all 10 fingers and toes! Once he finished nursing, it was Jay’s turn to hold him. Watching him hold his son for the first time was amazing, and I couldn’t help but be proud of the family we created together.

It only took 20 minutes or so for the placenta to come out and when it did, it felt amazing! Sort of like an “Ahhh, what a relief!” feeling. Kara waited until the umbilical cord stopped pulsing and the placenta born before cutting the cord. Once it was out she clamped it and Jay cut it. I can even say that the placenta smoothie was tasty (strawberries and vanilla yogurt are essential to a great placenta smoothie)! Kara stitched up my few tiny tears, and afterwards, we ordered pupusas from the local Salvadoran restaurant. The whole crew sat around our bed and ate while we talked about how wonderful the birth was, and how lucky we were to have such a happy, healthy, lovely little boy. I couldn’t have asked for a better home birth experience. The amazing support I received from Kara, Rebekah, Michelle (the assistant midwife), and Jay allowed me to relax and let the process unfold naturally.

I worked up to the day my water broke. (I don’t recommend this to anyone by the way.) As I was checking emails on that Monday morning in September I felt a pop then a huge gush. I was so excited that I texted Bryan and he immediately rushed home. And then…crickets. Labor didn’t kick in at all that day so we decided to have one last dinner out before two became three. Kara and I called each other throughout the evening to check in. Contractions had finally begun late that evening. They intensified through the night but quickly drifted away as the sun came up the next morning.

Tuesday had arrived and I felt great, with irregular yet noteworthy contractions throughout the day. With my amniotic sac open, I had 48 hours left before I had to transfer but I knew in my heart that our girl was on her way and that I did not have to worry. I trusted in my body and my baby, in their wisdom, and I felt a primal calm as I surrendered to their plan. As the sun went down we started encouraging labor to progress with herbs and pumping, per Kara and Ami’s instructions. Labor started to get really intense, but the contractions never organized into a pattern. They were four, then eight, then three minutes apart. They were a minute, two minutes, then a minute long again.

At 4 AM I was nodding off between contractions under a boiling hot shower where I had stationed myself for the past three hours. Kara called to let me know that she and Ami were on their way over to check on us. An hour later we all sat around in the living room chit-chatting and logging my contractions. They were still unorganized and I was. So. Exhausted. It was all a mystery at that point, especially since checking dilation was a no-no with an open bag. The midwives prescribed me a beer and a nap, which I attempted after they left at 7 AM. As soon as I laid my head on the pillow I howled with discomfort and made a beeline for the shower. I needed to move, sway, squat, and rock!

I was really in the zone now. Nobody existed in the world–not even me. I finally learned what it meant to “be present.” As I labored the next three hours I went to a deeply inward place that I didn’t know existed. At 10 AM, Kara checked in and gave us the green light for me to take castor oil. Joy. Bryan did his best to mask the castor oil in two delightful fruit smoothies that I slammed ice cold in the hot shower. And the timing couldn’t have been more comical as I sat on the toilet and felt the urge to push. Turns out I didn’t need the castor oil after all, but I chalked it up to a free colonic.

Pushing felt great, though it took a lot more pushes than I had imagined. Into the second hour Euna’s head was poking out and slipping back in for what seemed like eternity. I asked Kara, “How many more pushes do you think?” to which she said, “I don’t know honey…maybe 20?” 20??? Twenty?!?! You’ve got to be out of your $#(%)&ing mind!…And then I remembered that gentle and patient pushing has its rewards, like less tearing. Sold! So we went on for at least twenty more pushes.

After two hours of pushing, Euna’s head popped out, with a double-wrapped cord which Kara slipped right off, then her shoulders and body followed suit. She was here! As I held her in my arms for the first time, Kara and Ami admired her still-pulsing cord, which they said was the thinnest, most perfectly stretched one they’d ever seen. And we had in front of us the answer to the great labor mystery. My body and my baby tailored labor to stretch the cord without causing her distress so she could find her way to the outside when the time was right. Though I felt confident in my body’s ability to give birth before this moment, I now knew without doubt that the body is infinitely wiser than we could ever fathom.

I felt so lucky. My baby girl was healthy and I got through pushing without tearing at all. As if that wasn’t great enough, our midwives took their time to answer questions, clean up, do some charting, and to make sure we felt comfortable before they left about four hours later. The aftercare over the next six weeks was invaluable with their support in physical and emotional healing, lactation, newborn care, and best of all, their friendship. Kara’s concern and thoughtfulness made us feel so safe and special throughout pregnancy, labor, and the postpartum period, and even to this day, more than a year later, I know we are still in her thoughts as she is in ours.